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Don't like to hear about BM's pregnancy w/SD

leatrezleatrez member
in Blended Families

My DH and I have been together for a little over 12 years.  DH had sole custody of my SD who is 14 years old.  I am expecting my first baby in July 2010.

When DH, SD and I are having random discussions about the baby, DH will tell stories about when SD was born or when BM was pregnant with SD. The other day when discussing gender, DH said that he knew that SD was going to be a girl when her mother was pregnant with her.   I usually become quiet and distant when he begins to talk about thngs like this.  I know that he doesn't mean any harm and its probably good for SD, but it bothers me.  I don t think it's worth mentioning it to him.  I was just wondering how other SM's feel about this.  SD and I have a pretty good relationship and I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it does.

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Re: Don't like to hear about BM's pregnancy w/SD

  • Lady RedrumLady Redrum

    Hi Leatrez. I'm in Baltimore too.

    My DH does this too. SS is almost ten and he'll draw parallels between this pregnancy and hers with SS. I think it's just his point of reference for things pregnancy related and he that he is just as excited about this baby as he was his first. I take it you don't have any other children so this is your first time around? Mine too. I try not to let it bother me. I know how much DH loves SS and our LO. I'm sure his bringing up BM isn't so much about her as it is about his thinking of when SD was on her way into the world.

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  • Erin0922Erin0922 member

    DH does it with me, but its not really a comparison. Its memories. He gets excited when he knows something I am talking about, and wants to share what he knows.

    If anything, I ask him TONS of questions, seeing as how he's been down this road before, and I haven't. I even watched the video of BM giving birth (don't worry, it was aimed at her head, lol).

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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member

    I don't think it's something you should get upset about so long as he isn't comparing BM to you.  He is probably just trying to make SD feel included in your pregnancy. You have to remember, he has been down this road before however, no pregnancy is ever the same so this new road with you will be special and different.

    This is my 2nd baby, DH's 4th (our 1st together). I actually ask him questions ALL the time about BM's pregnancies and deliveries with the skids because I'm interested in knowing all about them since I wasn't there for that part.

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • FriskyPandaFriskyPanda

    DH talked about BM's pregnancies while I was pregnant.  Like someone else said, I think that is his point of reference, and an attempt to make sure that SD is involved so the whole conversation isn't about the new baby.


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  • DaringMissDaringMiss member
    From your description, it doesn't sound like he is comparing your pregnancy to BM's, it sounds like he is trying to make sure his teenage daughter knows how important she was/is to him.  He may just worry that she will think he is more into this new pregnancy than he was into her birth, so he is bringing up stories to demonstrate his involvement and care.
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  • DREWLILYDREWLILY
    It doesn't bother me when DH shares stories of SD being a baby or when she was born. I love her and I wasn't a part of her life then, so it's nice to hear stories of her. It's not a comparison, just memories. You shouldn't get distant because your DH is sharing memories of his child being born. You need to let go of whatever your issue is with it.
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  • FloF9FloF9 member
    Here's the opposite story - DH can barely remember when BM was pregnant because they had already split.  He was there for the birth but he doesn't have many stories of SS as an infant as he wasn't with BM.  Personally I think this is sad because he can't share these stories with SS. 
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  • J+RJ+R

    This kind of happened with us... SD asked my DH if he "wanted to name her K"  and he said "uh... yeah!" and she was like "really???"

    After that, DH did sit down and talk with SD about how he was never involved with BM, didn't even know that she was pregnant, wasn't there for the birth, etc.

    I think it is important that we don't lie to SD... she needs to know the truth. She needs to know that teen pregnancy isn't "glamourous", etc. No sense in us trying to fabricate lies when BM just tells her how it is anyways... We figured if we talked with her, we could do it in a more loving, sensitive manner than BM would/has done in the past.

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  • PhantomgirlPhantomgirl member

    Personally I think there is a fine line / happy balance here.  You should be able to talk to your DH and SD about your pregnancy without have to hear about his Ex.  There are other ways for your DH to make his daughter feel special.  He can take her out for ice cream and bombard her with stories about her childhood.  This is your first pregnancy and your DH needs to have a little compassion.  I am not saying he should not be able to mention it I am simply saying he should have enough common sense not to constantly mention it.

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  • luckyangelluckyangel member

    DH doesn't look back at his last marriage as a happy time in his life.  He talked a little to the kids about when their BM was preg with them during my pregnancy but not much.  The kids really weren't all that interested in it anyway, they were more interested in what was going on with this pregnancy.  I sort of agree with Phantom.  If its making you uncomfortable, then just tell DH that you're kind of tired of hearing about his ex's pregnancies and maybe he could make story time something special and take SD out somewhere and tell stories...at the same time, you can't expect them to never talk about it infront of you.  You married into a blended situation and the past doesnt ever really go away and SD has a right to and SHOULD know about her past.

    accordingtoabby.com" "From of suffering emerges the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahlil Gibran
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  • J&A2008J&A2008 member
    imageErin0922:

    If anything, I ask him TONS of questions, seeing as how he's been down this road before, and I haven't. I even watched the video of BM giving birth (don't worry, it was aimed at her head, lol).

    Oh My. 

    I was/am thankful DH had been down the baby/toddler road before, but I never asked him about BM's pregnancy.  I certainly wouldn't have had the stomach to watch her in labor, so kudos? 

    To OP - I think your DH's stories must be great for SD.  I know I try to talk to my SSs as much as I can about what I know from when they were babies.  Personally, no, I don't think I would appreciate hearing about BM's pregnancies.  Hopefully after the baby comes, he'll move on to stories about SD as a little one. 

    I'm happy for you and SD that your DH is such an involved, caring, father who remembers things from her pregnancy.  That is special, so enjoy it. 

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
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  • leatrezleatrez member
    Thanks for your responses.  I just want to make it clear that it's not the discussion of her childhood that bothers me.  In fact I have been around since she was two years old she is now 14 years old, so I have plenty of my own stories of her childhood.  I would just prefer not to hear about BM's pregnancy or her even birth stories.  This is a special moment that DH and SD or BM and SD can share as SD and I have our special moments.
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  • allyandpat2010allyandpat2010

     

    My DH does do some comparisons between me and the boys BM. But its good stuff- like "you handle pregnancy sooo much better than she did" lol so I don't mind. DH was not happy with BM so I don't think he has many fond memories of the pregnancies and such.

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  • goldenjesgoldenjes member

    I'm on the other side of this one.  DH asks me all the time about the boys' births.  He constantly wants to know what feels the same, what is different, how did I feel about __ situation, etc.  This is his first bio-kid.

    In your situation, it doesn't sound like your H is comparing you to his X or anything.  That's probably his only experience with pregnancy, especially because most men don't sit around talking about it like women do -- IRL or on chat boards.

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  • asmo0401asmo0401 member

    I told DH I didn't want to hear about the birth experiences he had with his ex. I don't hate many people, but I HATE her. One day I was upset because DH and I weren't going to have time to do birthing classes because he was busy every weekend they were offered. He said, "Don't worry, I'm a pro, remember? Ex and I did have two kids. I've been through it all before and this will be no different." I started crying and hung up on him. First of all, I WAS worried, this was my first child and it's coming out of MY body so I really don't give a flying fvck about your ex pushing out a couple babies. Secondly, it IS different. It's my FIRST CHILD so don't act like it's not a big deal. He apologized and realized (even though he wasn't doing it intentionally) he was totally insensitive and being a real @ss.

    I guess that's been bothering me for about 6 months! Ha, thanks for letting me vent. ;-)

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  • hindsight's_a_biotchhindsight's_a_biotch member
    imageasmo0401:

    I told DH I didn't want to hear about the birth experiences he had with his ex. I don't hate many people, but I HATE her. One day I was upset because DH and I weren't going to have time to do birthing classes because he was busy every weekend they were offered. He said, "Don't worry, I'm a pro, remember? Ex and I did have two kids. I've been through it all before and this will be no different." I started crying and hung up on him. First of all, I WAS worried, this was my first child and it's coming out of MY body so I really don't give a flying fvck about your ex pushing out a couple babies. Secondly, it IS different. It's my FIRST CHILD so don't act like it's not a big deal. He apologized and realized (even though he wasn't doing it intentionally) he was totally insensitive and being a real @ss.

    I guess that's been bothering me for about 6 months! Ha, thanks for letting me vent. ;-)

    Bitter? Party of one!

    Dude, I hate my exhusband. I wish he would DIAF but there is no way in hell I'm going to pretend that my pregnancies with my two children didn't exist just so I don't have to think about his doucheass.

    Way to make your H feel like an ass_hole for reassuring you.



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