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Need advice on MIL

PEANUTS QUEENPEANUTS QUEEN
in Multiples

Help!  I have no where else to turn.  Basically I hate my MIL.  I have 5 mo. old triplets and we couldn't be happier.  The problem is that she feels as if they are her kids.  She has never complied with any requests I have had about the babies and things are just getting worse.  I ask her to wash her hands and she "forgets".  When the babies were newborn, we told her no kissing- she did it anyways.  My parents are offended by her because they don't understand why shes gets to "get a way" with things.  When we confront her about this stuff she makes up lies.  She denies everything and says I am picking on her.  My husband says this is the way she is and she isn't going to change so we have to live with it.  She even came over once when she was sick!  I mean really- I had to litterally ask her to leave and explain that our 1 month old triplets ( who were born a month early) can't be around someone who is sick.  She left crying- sobbing like a baby and saying noone loves her and noone wants her around. 
I have always kept my composure around her- I vent after she leaves.  Is it to much to ask that when we have a request she abide by it?  I am to the point that I don't even want the babies to see her.  I know she is their Grandmother but at this age they aren't going to remember if they see her or not.  Will I be a bad mother if I make this request?  Any advice on how to handle this woman?

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Re: Need advice on MIL

  • lisa&andylisa&andy
    They are your kids, she needs to abide by the rules you and your DH have. Your husband really needs to step up and lay it out to her, it may take keeping the kids from her to get through her head. I would avoid you saying anything to her, but your DH needs to step up and say something. I'm sorry you are having to go through this; does she just show up or does she call first? Can you pretend you are not home? As for washing her hands, the minute she comes in the door take her to the sink, don't let her detour on her way in.
    Our Blog TTC since 10/2004 Follistim+Ovidril+Metformin=BFP on 12/8/08 2 heartbeats-12/30/08 Betas- 10DPO-104 12DPO-274 Photobucket Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
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  • GiGi1221GiGi1221

    argh- my sister just had a baby- full term, 6lbs.  Minutes after she gave birth her MIL came in hacking, sniffling and sneezing.  She held the baby and cuddled her, giving her kisses and everything.  She didn't even wash her hands or use the soapless crap by the door!

    My entire family washed up- and we were all healthy as horses!  My sister's husband did ask his mom to wear a mask around the baby till she was better and she did...

    I just read your post on high-risk- you carried your triplets til 36 weeks? That's amazing! 

    Sorry about the MIL issues- mine is crazy too but she lives 10hrs away! ;)

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  • GiGi1221GiGi1221

    I don't think I could handle her any closer!

    She's bipolar and selectively takes her medication...since I've been on bedrest she has been callin a lot more often.  Never to express concern for the babies or for me- just to ramble on about everything I should be doing...

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  • blairsgirlblairsgirl
    My MIL can be that way too.  I absolutely loathe the crying routine.  If I were you, I wouldn't have her over as much or go over to see her.  She will catch on real quick and wonder why and that is your opportunity to say that since she disregards your wishes you need to cut back on the amount of time you spend with her.  It's important though for yh to support you.  mh supports me where his mother is concerned and that makes a world of difference.  
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  • PEANUTS QUEENPEANUTS QUEEN

    Thanks ladies!  I am going to limit our time with her.  When we do that though (beacuse we had to do it before the kids were born)  she cries and tells everyone her daughter in law hates her. By the way, my sister in law (husbands brothers wife) can't stand her either.  They don't even talk.  He has to sneak his mom over when his wife is working.

    My MIL famous saying is that it speaks volumes to everyone how my SIL and I are.  And of course... its all our faults- she is perfect..did I mention that earlier? 

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  • Luvie13Luvie13 member
    imageMrsLee04:

    imageGiGi1221:
    mine is crazy too but she lives 10hrs away! ;)

    You lucky, lucky girl!!!  Wink

    this!!!

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  • HilarighHilarigh

    I agree with the PP, your hubby needs to man up and talk to his mommy. I fear I will have a similar struggle with my MIL and DH knows that it's his job to make sure his mother complies with the decisions WE make regarding OUR kids. My MIL keeps calling our babies "her little cupcakes" and it makes me want to punch her in the face. I'm really not a violent woman but this lady brings out the worst in me sometimes.

    Good luck sweetie...with your MIL and your trips. Props to you for cooking them so long. I only hope I make it to 36 weeks with these twins, you're a rock star!

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  • clarku2000clarku2000 member
    I wouldn't allow your MIL over to your house or around your kids until she starts adhearing to your rules with your kids.  If she starts to cry or complain, just explain that until she can follow the guidelines for your kids, she will not be allowed to be around them.  If she has a problem with you, have your DH explain it to her.
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  • jenkmjenkm

    Chiming in to agree that you need your DH's support in this.

    I must have been a saint in a past life b/c i wound up with a DH who stands up to his mother on my behalf without me even asking him to.  It's a godsend.  The couple of times she's tried to bite my head off or get a little nuts with me over something, he's nipped it in the bud and FAST.  He doesn't beat around the bush - at Christmas I offered to help her with something and she scoffed at me, and he said "you will NOT pick on my wife who is being nothing but nice to you" - amazing.  I'm lucky.

    His feeling is these will be our babies, and if she wants to see them, she will behave.  Period.  Act like an ass, lose visitation.  I hope you're able to do the same.

    (Oh and re: the hand washing, I'd hand her hand sanitizer as you welcome her through the door)

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  • CER+MELCER+MEL

    imageclarku2000:
    I wouldn't allow your MIL over to your house or around your kids until she starts adhearing to your rules with your kids.  If she starts to cry or complain, just explain that until she can follow the guidelines for your kids, she will not be allowed to be around them.  If she has a problem with you, have your DH explain it to her.

    This, except I think you and your DH should present a united front on this the next time she calls or visits.  He should do the talking and explain that the expectations the TWO of you have for her are the same you have for everyone else, but she's the only one disrespecting your choices as parents and putting the babies' health in jeopardy. Your DH is probably right, that she's not going to change, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't stand up to her for the sake of his family.

    I don't mean to sound so harsh toward your DH - he's got to be frustrated and probably even embarrassed by his mom.  However, he shouldn't let her blame you for the way you two are dealing with her immature behavior.

     GL!

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