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Postpartum Depression
I am exhausted (long)
DS has been refusing to nap or fall asleep. I am desperately trying to get back into a routine now that I am starting back at work/school. DH works 60 hours a week during a "slow" week, and although he says we're a "team", he looks so miserable when I ask him to hang with DS so I can use the bathroom/shower/eat. It makes me so angry that I'd rather not even attempt to give DS to DH, but I am really getting burned out. I know that my DH works hard so I only have to work part time, so I feel guilty asking him to pitch in... ugh. I just want to hide & cry. Bad day for sure.
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Re: I am exhausted (long)
First off--a bit of hope. . . at almost 5 months, my son developed a pretty consistent napping schedule routine. It is wonderful. Hopefully, your son will do this soon too! It will get better.
That said, I'm sorry that you don't have a moment to yourself and that your DH allows you to feel as though its not even worth asking him to help care for his son. That sucks. I would be upset about that, and, honestly, I don't know you, but that makes me mad for you! Yes, he works long days, but. . . you work part-time in addition to being a mother 24/7. It sounds like your requests and wishes are quite reasonable. Can you sit down and have a conversation with him about how you feel? I know that in the short-term, just doing it yourself gets it done. . . but in the long-term, its not going to work well. You will likely become even more resentful and it also gives your DH the impression that the way that he is acting is okay. He is the dad and he needs to step up!
I hope that things get better. Hang in there!
Thanks. We did talk several times this week. At first, he was pretty rude and said I was surprising him with all of this that I've had bottled up. Last night he took DS with him to our friends home so I could have a few hours to myself.
But tonight we talked again & I told him that I am so overwhelmed I have considered hurting myself so that I could get a break. Seriously, being committed seems like a better option than dealing with someone who is all cranky & obnoxious.
I think I scared him. I think he understands just how serious my PPD is and how much I need support. I feel like I can take care of DS just fine, but I am having trouble taking care of myself too. I make sure DS is full & in a clean diaper and happily playing... but I haven't been eating or showering. Hopefully, he will start to see how much I need his support. It makes me angry because his life has barely changed at all -he just has a cute baby to play with on the weekends. My life has been thrown upside down... my career plans pushed aside, not to mention basic needs like eating, showering, taking time to recharge mentally...
I wish he would say, "I'll take him today, why don't you go get a pedicure and work on your dissertation." Right now, I feel like I have to beg him to hold him so I can pee. And even then he looks put out. I'm hoping things will change after tonight.
I am really worried about you! I know that you said that you would not hurt yoruself or the baby, but having thoughts of getting hurt so that you can be taken care of is scary. You don't have to feel like this. Are you on meds and/or seeing a counselor? If you have not talked to anyone (professional) about how you are doing, please do so. Call your OB first thing Monday morning. If you are already seeing someone, call them on Monday and tell them how you are feeling, something in your treatment needs to change. It sounds to me like you are really hurting.
Has your husband been any more helpful? There was a post on another board that I'm on about talking with your DH about how he can help you. One of the things is to have a calm and emotion-free conversation. If you want him to take care of the baby one day so that you can work on your dissertation, you need to tell him that. Be specific in what you need. I know that he's your husband, but even our husband's can't read our mind.
) Also, ask him what he needs. Maybe he needs to you show him, one more time, what kinds of games your LO likes to play. Perhaps he's not comfortable with the baby because he's unsure of himself. After he's done something for you, praise him and thank him.
I really do hope that things get better. I know how it feels to be as down as you are. It won't always be like this, but it will get better sooner if you get the help that you need. Please page me or post again to let me/us know how you are doing.