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2nd Trimester
H vent since he lost DH... I dont know what to do! (long sorry)
Hi guys, I am 27 and my H is 28. We have been together since we were both 20 and married for 3 years. He doesnt go out that often due to past issues with him going out. See, he went out when I was pregnant with our first son (6 mos preg), about 2 1/2 years ago, and did not come home until after 6AM (we had got in a fight before he left). A few days later while he was in the shower I went through his phone. I found a video of him (with his clothes on) touching some naked girls a$$ while he video taped it. His excuse... I told you there was a bachelor party and so I went and there were strippers and some guy bought me a dance. First off, why would they not buy the dance for themselves but whatever... So while he was in the shower I left home and it only lasted 3 days but things got better.
Now, I am pregnant again (second time) and I am 19 weeks (we find out the sex on Monday) and he wanted to go out with his friend last night and I had no problem with it because he said he would be home before 1. Well I work in the morning at 6am and at 2 am I text him... asked if he was coming home or what and he said Im on my way... then a minute later text again that he was sorry if it is so late but him and this guy hardly kick it anymore (they play xbox online every night). Needless to say, he was not on his way home and he did not answer to my next texts or calls. I was calling him up until 4:30 AM. I went to take a shower at 5AM and when I got out he was on the couch sleeping!!! He basically told me to shut up when I tried to ask when he got home. So I left for work.
At work I checked out phone logs and found that he received a text for this Camel looking Bi^@# that he used to work with 9and was a stripper) at 7:30 (he had left at 6pm that night) and then she also called him 2 tmes at 9:40 and 945 and they talked for two minutes each time. Well then I also saw that the he had called the guy that he was supposedly with that night 5 times between 2:42 am until 3:38AM and he called him back once between those times! WTF I guess he wasnt really with him but I dont know and if I tell him I looked that stuff up he will say I snoop to much! I dont know what to do but I do know that this stress is not good for the baby!D I do not know how to approach him about this or what to say (a part of me is worried if we fight and he leaves and takes our son with him or even takes him when I am at work). Any advise would greatly be appreciated! Thanks in advance!
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Re: H vent since he lost DH... I dont know what to do! (long sorry)
I'd go home after work, grab my older child, tell DH I was not going to be staying there until he got his shiit together, and then go stay with friends or family until further notice.
This!
He can say whatever he wants about you "snooping' but the fact is he lied to you about where he was, and he continues to break trust by coming home so late, not answering calls, etc. You need to do what's right for you and your kids.
BLOG: The Quinntessential Mommy
"I'd go home after work, grab my older child, tell DH I was not going to be staying there until he got his shiit together, and then go stay with friends or family until further notice."
THIS!
i'm so sorry you are dealing with this! no matter the excuse, his behavior was inappropriate (both times) and he probably knows it. he has some serious growing up to do, and he needs to do it fast. the lying, etc is not okay, and it seems to be a pattern with him (or a developing pattern, at least). i hope he gets his sh*t together soon. Good luck.
This. And also, let me add, that our policy is that any doubt in one of our mind's about cheating is just as bad as cheating. Like, if he's being sneaky on his phone or if he didn't come home all night (regardless of the reasoning behind it) letting me for one second think that he's being unfaithful is JUST as bad as being unfaithful. Your H has some growing up to do! I'm sorry that you have to go through this...
This.
Your husband touched another woman's naked ass and took a video of it, told you he was with some friend that he obviously was not with, and you're also afraid he will take your child if you confront him about this. That is not a healthy relationship in any way. Maybe you do "snoop too much" but your husband lies too much, acts inappropriate with other woman too much, and intimidates you too much. That's much worse.
you could try to kick him out... i wouldn't want to be around my husband if i were in your shoes.
i don't know your mom, but if i were you i'd want her to know what was going on, so she could support me. its a tough situation and i don't envy you, but do what you have to, to take care of yourself and your children.
Yes this. He's obviously got issues with deceit and questionable behavior right now.
DD1 born 5/24/10.
Missed M/C at 14 wks Feb 2012.
DD2 born 5/14/13.
Missed M/C at 9 wks July 2015.
Then kick his arse out.
Call up some male relatives. Tell them to come over. Forcefully evict him.
I would have no problem with this...at all.
Lying is at the very top of my list of things I will not tolerate.
Because it is usually the safer option.
A man who is covering something up can get nasty if he gets discovered. I, for one, would prefer to just leave and deal with getting him out of the house later than risk a physical altercation while pregnant.
In a perfect world, she'd tell him to get out and he'd go. But she's afraid he's going to take their child. So it makes more sense for her to leave. Or take Preppy's advice and get some male relatives to come over and encourage his departure.
This. I can't and won't tolderate things like that.
Your H sounds very immature and disrespectful. I would throw him out, and I know it is not always as easy to do as it is to say.
My ex husband was the same way, we started dating when I was only 17 and got married when I was 21, we were divorced shortly after I turned 26 because he constantly had a wandering eye. I can honestly say we had everything else (were on our second house, I had graduated from law school, he was a supervisor at his job and we were very financially comfortable) and it still is NOT enough if you constantly live feeling insecure and like you are not good enough! I feel the best decision I ever made was to not have a child with him...I feel so bad that you are in this position.
Since he obviously knows you have access to check in on his cell phone - have you ever thought he might want you to find this information? So men are just not "man" enough to walk away, instead they want you to be the "bad guy" so they can blame things on you. I would get out sooner rather than later - in my opinion, things will only get worse, your H is not that young and can't use that as his excuse. You already have one child together and it looks like he is repeating his same immature behavior. I would never want my child to grow up in a relationship where I felt like I constantly had to check up on my H and where I felt unloved and disrespected.
Hugs to you and good luck!
ditto ditto ditto Preppy
get him out. get some guys over the house In case he flips. change the locks and alarm code once he leaves. if he show up again do not answer the door and call the police-do not speak to him. even if he isnt violent now or ever has been before in the past you do not want to risk it.
call an attorney and a therapist. if you want to try and work it out make sure you have an attorney on call that knows the situation just in case you change your mind
I am sorry you are going through this. Especially while pregnant. I would wait until after work. Ask your mom to take the kids out of the house, like maybe to the park or chuck e cheese or something like that, and have a heart to heart about everything. So I don't get too emotional (because I do) I make a list of topics before hand.
You may have to give him an ultimatum, and have to deal with it. If he is cheating, you have to know if you are willing to forgive him, if he wants to be forgiven and move on, or if you are ready to be on your own with out him. Only you know what you are willing to put up with.
You can also seek the advise of a family law lawyer, and let them know you are afraid he may leave with your child.
Once again I am sorry you have to deal with this!
Repost this on the single parents board. Those girls can give you some REALLY good advice.
Personally, cheating is a dealbreaker for me. I'd leave him.
Look, if he didn't have shady behavior you wouldn't be inclined to snoop.
Bottom line is that he lied to you about where he was last night. Sounds like he was with stripper/coworker.
You're right, you don't need the stress. He's being a douche. Stop by your local hardware store on your way home from work and get a new lock/set of locks for your house. Ask your H to go get something, put his sh!t on the front porch and change the locks.
Bottom line is he knows he screwed up and then has the nerve to terrorize YOU?? That, my dear, is emotional abuse.
Ooo I like this
Than kick his a$$ out until he grows up and figures out how to act like a mature adult. There is no way in hell he should be acting this way when you have a child and one on the way. I am sorry you have to go through this, and you are not overreacting. He sounds like a douche and you need to stand up for yourself. Maybe it will get through to him then.
I agree 100% with this. Change the locks, the alarm code, and get backup. Your mom needs to know what is going on, otherwise she won't get why you're changing the locks. I'm sorry you're going through this :-(
ok, while I understand that this really isn't the first time, the cheating (especially) is based on suspicions alone. He is your husbandm you both have a kid and one on the way, you owe it to eachother and to your children to talk this out. Maybe not tonight since everything is so fresh, but this definately needs to be discussed.
Leaving is most definately not the solution, maybe when you have no kids, but you are obviously not in that situation and like I said, you vowed to each other through better and through worse. I know this sounds cheesy and excuse my poor english ( I am not a native english speaker) but you need to talk, and if you can't do it without screaming or yelling, then go see a marriage counselor.
But like many others have said, cheating is a deal breaker for me, it is NOT ok, regardless of his excuses.
I've thought about this more, and I am pissed for you.
You can "talk" after he is no longer living with you.
Do NOT put yourself in a situation that can escalate {and it will once you accuse him of cheating} with no one else around. Do NOT have your mom take the kids and leave you there with him alone. Do NOT think that because he has never hurt, pushed, hit you he won't.
Either you leave with your mom and the kids, or you get some guys over there and forcefully kick his arse to the curb.
You can talk it out with a therapist in the room next week, because I sure as hell wouldn't be having a conversation alone with a guy who was this much of a douchebag.
You think you're overreacting?! This is not normal behavior. And the fact that you think it might be speaks VOLUMES about what kind of bullshyt you've had to put up with while married to this prince amongst men.
Tell him to leave and start the divorce proceedings. Unfortunately, I get the feeling that you'll stay- and that makes me so sad.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Proof that not everyone can handle their crack.
Seriously? You'd be OK with your SO staying out until all hours, LYING about it, the disrespect, the emotional abuse? Have a happy life!!
::headdesk::
This sounds so familiar to me and my ex. We were friends since middle school and had been together for years.
Eventually he had too many "friends" that were girls or coworkers, and they called too often or he stayed out way late with them too many times. It was all shady but without "proof." I couldn't throw away our years of love and friendship and just leave him without having proof that he was cheating. It drove me to become jealous and snoop. Once I started snooping I of course found many things to make me more suspicious, but nothing that clearly said "thanks for the sex last night" so every time I would go to him with my findings he would make me believe that the real issue was my snooping and "psycho jealousy" He really made me believe that I was the one with the problem.
Sad to say he actually was the one to leave me in the end since I never gave up the hope that I could change him.. and he left while I was pg (had a m/c two weeks later). He even went so far as to close the joint account out (with the car payment inside) to buy the ring he used to propose to the new woman. I'm still saddened when I think of how badly I allowed him to disrespect me.
I later found out that he did in fact cheat on me with each of the girls I was suspicious about, and so so many more.
I'm now with a wonderful man, and fully believe that when a woman believes there is soemthing going on it's because 9 times out of 10 she is right. Intuition is powerful and the right man will NEVER treat you this way.
He doesnt go out that often due to past issues with him going out. See, he went out when I was pregnant with our first son (6 mos preg), about 2 1/2 years ago, and did not come home until after 6AM (we had got in a fight before he left)
No, dear: his issues are not with going out. His issues are he is not into you and that he has the morals of an alleycat in heat.
Kick his ass to the curb and get tested.
This is what I think happened:
He cheated on you.
They (he and the bimbo) spoke for brief amounts of time during the night because they were meeting up (at 9:40 and 9:45pm). (At 7:30pm they originally make plans to meet up, she gets ready and then they meet up at 9:45pm.)
Later in the night, he was out running around with her and lost track of his friend. Then he probably went back to her place and called his friend to tell him he'd gone "home". But I'm sure his friend suspects what really happened.
He purposely ignored your calls during the early morning. You know he had his phone and was paying attention to it because he was trying to get a hold of his friend. He banged her sometime between 2:42am and 5am.
I think it's a lovely idea that you kick him out. I'd call my brothers or dad and tell them what happened and they'd come over and help me change the locks. Then once hubby got back from where ever, he'd be locked out and I'd briefly explain to him what I know... then if had anything else to say I'm sure my brothers would love to "discuss" it with him.
Because you said you weren't sure if you're overreacting or not, I know you must put up with some other types of marital issues that have somehow watered down how terrible this single action was. If my husband did this, there's a good chance I would cut off his d*ck and toss it out in a field just like Lorena Bobbit. And I would never wonder if I were overreacting or not.
PS: the "snooping" thing just pisses me off. Who cares if you checked his phone record. The as*hole didn't come home last night! Phone check expected and deserved.
Good luck, be strong.
He'll do it again if you stay with him.
This, This, THIS! If he had nothing to hide he would care less that you were looking at the phone records!