Will never look at pregnancy the same way again

JackieMac824 · February 2010

The post below about m/c and feeling normal got me thinking.

I know I will never look at pregnancy the same way again. The innocence was stolen from me.

When I did IVF I figured it was going to work or it was not going to work - I never ever dreamed in a million years that it would work and I would lose the baby.

I still thought even after going through all this IF crap and being on this board and seeing it first hand - oh that will not happen to me. If I do ever get pregnant I would never miscarry. Now I am actually scared - if I ever do get pregnant again - I am not going to be able to enjoy the pregnancy at all - scared to death it will turn out like my last pregnancy. It sucks.

Another thing that sucks is that we spent $ 13,000 on IVF and we have nothing to show for it. It took us so long to save that money and now it is just gone.

My heart hurts today for myself and for all the girls on this board who are struggling and suffering.

(((HUGS))) to all.

MrsKario · February 2010

Oh honey, Im so sorry. I could have written your post word for word. Please know that you are not alone. Someday when you hold your baby in your arms this will all be worth it.

Being OOP just sucks.

Jules&Matt · February 2010

First I want to say how very sorry I am for your loss. After my second mc last January I was just p/o'd at everyone and eveything. It took me a long time to lose that anger and sadness. My heart goes out to you because nothing anyone can say or do right now will fix what happend to you. Please know that in time your heart will heal and in the mean time you have this place to vent and share you feelings with. ((hugs))

nikinikinine · February 2010

Jackie, I'm so sorry if my post brought you any pain. I'm having the worst time getting through this. We are on a forced break until May and I think that's good for us in many ways. It just seems so far away and I feel so restless.

My husband has been amazing, but I don't think he can even understand what this was like for me, KWIM? Even as bad as he wants a baby he didn't feel what it was like to be pregnant and he didn't feel what it was like to be so not pregnant afterward.

I hope for myself, for you, and for anyone else going through this, that this pain and restlessness is just temporary. xo

Echloe · February 2010

I feel the same way Jackie. And now if I ever do get pregnant I'll be high risk and worried the entire time. I'm scared as hell. I don't understand why this has to be so hard for some of us. And to top it off, we've paid a fortune for all these treatments and so far nothing. : (

JackieMac824 · February 2010

nikinikinine:

Jackie, I'm so sorry if my post brought you any pain. I'm having the worst time getting through this. We are on a forced break until May and I think that's good for us in many ways. It just seems so far away and I feel so restless.

My husband has been amazing, but I don't think he can even understand what this was like for me, KWIM? Even as bad as he wants a baby he didn't feel what it was like to be pregnant and he didn't feel what it was like to be so not pregnant afterward.

I hope for myself, for you, and for anyone else going through this, that this pain and restlessness is just temporary. xo

No you post did not bring me pain at all - I was already in pain - it just got me thinking is all. I wish none of us had to go through this but it is nice to know I am not alone in how I feel.

betheveh · February 2010

I am so sorry about your loss. Reading this post brought me to tears. Damn this is all so hard. Hang in there.

may2806 · February 2010

I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel the same way, like the innocence was stolen from me and I will never be able to fully enjoy a pregnancy if I get to have another one, especially now that I know I will be high-risk. It makes me so angry, and it makes me angry seeing the amount of suffering that so many women on this board have to go through. It's so not fair.?

((HUGS))?

Ginger71 · February 2010

Hugs all around because I know how you ladies feel. Sometimes, I am more afraid of IVF working than not working. At this point, I don't think I could have a happy pregnancy. I could never let my guard down. The moment I relaxed in my last pregnancy, the heartbeat slowed. Why even continue? I am so scared not to. I don't want my only experience with pregnancy to be a loss at 10 weeks. I'm scared to death that it will be, though.

*Willis* · February 2010

With my first m/c, we knew from the beginning that it may not be a viable pregnancy. It didn't make it hurt any less.

WIth my second m/c, it was picture perfect. Around 7 weeks, DH started to get really excited. Which got me really excited. He didn't believe me at all when I told him something was wrong. The day we found out at the u/s was one of the worst days for me.

Now, if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant, I don't know that I'll ever let my guard down. I've been burned one too many times.

We too have spent a lot of $ with nothing to show for it except heartache.

Dragonfly1226 · February 2010

I am so sorry hon. I totally know how you feel. I lost the same innocence you did after my first m/c. Now after the second loss it is just a whole lot worse. Unfortunately m/c does change us.

Sending you (((((hugehugs))))).

DMD1029 · February 2010

MrsKario:

Oh honey, Im so sorry. I could have written your post word for word. Please know that you are not alone. Someday when you hold your baby in your arms this will all be worth it.

Being OOP just sucks.

Ditto!

rachel06 · February 2010

Oh sweetie I am so sorry. I feel exactly the same way. I am not sure I could have put it as well as you though.

AuburnBride06 · February 2010

Yea, I know that if we ever get pregnant again, there will be no letting my guard down. To be honest, that is one of the reasons we are pursuing adoption. Honestly, after as many losses as we have had, I'm just not sure that having a bio child (actually, the POSSIBILITY of having a bio child) is worth all the pain. I'm 26 years old and with 5 losses, have lost 8 babies. I never in my life thought I would be here.

I'm really sorry Jackie. I wish you didn't know the pain. I will say that I really hope you do not give up hope. I know you are scared, and will always be scared once you get pregnant again, but if there is anything you can remotely take hope from, it's that it is your first loss, and even with IVF, first/one m/c is common. It doesn't mean you are destined to have the same pain repeated over and over. Thankfully, most people who have had a loss will not fall into the repeated loss category.

HUGE {{{HUGS}}}} I wish with everything that I could change things for you.

ColindaP · February 2010

I'm so sorry. I haven't done IVF yet, but that's the next step. I've had recurrent miscarriages though, and I am really dreading IVF because I feel like it's just going to be a really, really expensive miscarriage.

Shelley-Bean · February 2010

I am so, so sorry about your m/c. I can't imagine how sad, scard and angry you must feel. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

so1966 · February 2010

you're feelings are completely normal and IF is so very unfair. being OOP is just plain torture. after going through so many IVFs, i just cannot believe how much $$ and time I spent and nothing to show for it.

again, i'm so sorry for your loss.

((((HUGS)))

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