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Postpartum Depression
Ugh- having a bad day. :( (long)
So today was my 6 week PP visit. I was happy I got to see my OB again. He's so funny and I was missing seeing him every week like at the end of my pregnancy. (From anyone who has read my previous posts I have PPA and I was "mourning" not being pregnant anymore) Anyway, the day started okay. I got up and DH helped me get LO ready. They stayed in the car while I went in for my appointment. I had lost weight which was good, healing good, I got some birth control, and we talked about the Zoloft he put me on. I thought that this was going to be my last appointment for over a year with him but I need to come back in 3 months to be evaluated with the Zoloft and birth control pills. I was excited that I wouldn't have to figure out weaning off of it on my own. Anyway, after the appointment LO was fussy and has not slept great all day. My husband bowls on Wednesday nights and I went with him because I barely get out of the house with all this snow.
Here's where it all got to be too much..
LO was still very fussy all night. All of DH's friends wanted to hold LO and that normally would be okay but one smells really bad and then my baby smelled when he was done holding him, and his little sister (16) started kissing him all over the face and not supporting his neck very well. My anxiety started to show itself. I wanted to be nice so I just looked away and took a deep breath. Then DH talks me into getting a drink. I haven't drank anything alcoholic since before I was pregnant and forgot that it might interact with the Zoloft. At first it was okay- and then it was out of control.
Since I've been home I can't stop crying. I know it's irrational because I can't pinpoint exactly what I am upset about. I am kind of upset about the birth control. I still miss being pregnant and taking it confirms that I am not going to be pregnant again for a while. I don't even really think I want to be pregnant right away because it would be tough taking care of two LO's. Plus, I don't even know if I can talk DH into having another baby. He says he's happy with the one we have and, "why ruin a good thing?" He's nuts- he knew I wanted 2 kids and this bothers me a lot. He also won't stop bugging me to have sex with him and that is stressing me out as well. LO is STILL fussing and not napping well and is very gassy tonight. I am just feeling super depressed and sad and even more frustrated because I haven't been like this since LO was born. Plus, it was DH's day off today and he goes back for a long stretch again tomorrow. Then I read another bumpies story about losing her baby and I feel terrible and that I need to appreciate the healthy baby I have and not feel so frustrated or tired. I couldn't imagine going through that and I felt so sad.
Anyway, I guess I just needed to get it out of my system and know that I am not alone- I hope! Is it crazy that I miss seeing my OB? That is so irrational to me because I didn't like going when I was pregnant.. maybe it's the change itself I hate? I feel so blah. It really stinks. The only thing keeping me from crying is that MIL is coming over on Friday to help with the baby and spending the night so I can get some much needed sleep. I thought my medication was controlling all of these feelings and I am hoping that maybe the alcohol mix is what's messing me up tonight.
Anyone else going though anything similar? TIA!! I appreciate you ladies for listening/reading!
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Re: Ugh- having a bad day. :( (long)
How long have you been on Zoloft? I know with a lot of these meds, it takes a while for the full effect to become obvious.
I'm sorry you're going through so much right now - you're only 6 weeks pp and I know how rough those first few weeks are. If I were you, I would try to put having another baby on the back burner - give it time, give your body/mind time to heal. Your dh may come around when your lo is older. I know that I was ready to call it quits after I had ds - but now I'm thinking ok, one more!
I think we all have the same anxiety taking newborns out - I think that's normal. Maybe try getting out and walking around the mall or the grocery store - you'll still be getting out, but with less physical interaction with people.
Are you also going to therapy? I think that may help you too. I know that the meds were just a part of my recovery - I saw a phychiatrist for a while who really helped me along.
Good luck - Friday is only one day away!!!
HUGS.
You really should consider seeing a counselor. It's normal to 'mourn' being pg, but it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety that talking through will help. I know, I've been there (well, still am there).
And just because your DH says no more kids now doesn't mean you won't have them later. IMO It is WAYYYY too early to even consider more kids...trust me 2 is a lot of work. You need to get yourself stable and happy first, and that takes work.
I see that you wrote this post in the middle of the night. For me, things always seem worse in the dark of the night. It is a lonely time. I hope that you are feeling better today.
)
Alcohol is a depressant, so given the flux that your body and hormones are still dealing with, the drink may have contributed to the way you are feeling--but don't brush off how your felt/feel. Feeling as though you are not in control of the situation and your LO is hard, even more so when you are struggling.
Sorry to hear that your LO was smelly after being held by that particular friend. Ewww! And yuck to the 16 year old kissing all over your baby--I would explain to her, if you see her again, that it is cold and flu season still and you'd like for her to not kiss the baby. I'm a pretty laid-back mama (and let just about anyone hold my LO) but that would be too much for me!
I'm glad that your MIL is coming over tomorrow to help with the baby. Having help like that is great and so is a good night's sleep. With having sex with my DH with my MIL in the next room would likely not happen at my house, perhaps after a good night's sleep, when your LO goes down for a nap on Saturday, perhaps you and your DH can spend some quality time together. ;o) (Hopefully he will be at home and not working.)
As for feeling badly about another bumpie losing her baby. Yes, that is incredibly sad and terrible. My heart woudl hurt too--but, that does not mean that you aren't allowed to feel badly about your situation. Being a mom to a 6 week old is hard. LO still needs so much and you are still recovering. And, you are working through some big feelings of your own.
I hope that you continue to feel better. And just because things are getting better doesn't mean that there won't be rough days along the way. While I feel worlds better than I did at 6 weeks pp, I still have rough days, really rough days. But, I get through them as best I can and I appreciate the days that I feel good. It is one day at a time. And, I'm glad that your OB is going to help you wean off of Zoloft when the time comes. That is fabulous and makes me really like your OB! Sounds like you've got a good doc!
I am glad that you are having a better day, just wanted to chime in that I thought I was nuts for "missing my OB." After having both babies, I have had overwhelming feelings of sadness for not getting to go see the dr every week (not really that I liked the doctor- I think I just missed being pregnant, hearing the HB, and just the attention of someone always wanting to know about me/ how I was doing- (this sounds horrible and ego-centric when I type it, but it's honest).
It's like when you are pregnant, you have celebrity status, everyone always wants to know how you are feeling, there is just so excitement about this baby to be....then when the baby comes, for me, it was like...this is NOT what I thought it would be, this kid is inconsolable all the time and it must be due to my failures as a mother. I can remember being so jealous of my SIL who was pregnant right after I had DS and how I wished that I could just go through that exciting time again. Hang in there, it does get much better and I have had a much better time dealing with it this time because I set myself up with a good support system through my local mom's group. Please PM me if you ever need to chat!
Thank you!! I feel better hearing this. I thought I was crazy missing being pregnant but you hit the nail on the head. It's not that I really want another baby right away but I do miss the attention and excitement. DH started being so sweet the moment he found out we were expecting. Now it's like I am stuck in the house with LO all the time and I feel alone. No attention, nothing, just me and LO and him screaming and spitting up on me all the time. I am looking forward to spring though. I think getting some exercise walking around the park with LO and getting fresh air will do some good!