Those using Donor Eggs...(SAIFW)

njohnson1972 · February 2010

How did you come to terms with it? I am having selfishness issues - that my DH will be biologically linked to the child but I won't. How do you not become jealous?

If it was the other way around and we were using donor sperm, I wouldn't think twice. So I know I am being selfish.

Again, I am just in the thinking stage. I am going to give my eggs one more shot, but realistically, I know I may need to do Donor Eggs.

smilee · February 2010

I would suggest asking this on SAIF as well.

Good luck to you!

MarriedaSportsNut · February 2010

I think it's easier to come to terms with DE after multiple failures. When it becomes your only choice, it becomes easier to accept. My husband let me pick the donor, which gave me a sense of control. I'm glad I don't have to worry about age-related genetic issues and that there is some chance that I'll have embryos to freeze. I have lots of reasons to be grateful!

2006july15bride · February 2010

I don't have this issue currently..but I was thinking about how your body will still be the one growing and nourishing the baby. I think that is a great biological link and gives us, as women, an advantage. When men have to use donor sperm they don't even have that link.

Temp848906437505510 · February 2010

It took me a long time to come to terms with it. We were counseled to DE after my 3rd IVF and we decided to go for it. We paid money to our clinic and went through the testing to get on the donor list. But, we agreed with our RE that, while on the waiting list, we would continue to cycle. We did an IUI that was negative. Then we did IVF #4 and I got pregnant. Unfortunately, I miscarried, but, it gave me hope that we might still be able to have a baby with my eggs, so, we put DE on hold and continued forward.

We did IVF #5 to no success. I then went to one of the top clinics in NYC and did #'s 6 and 7. I then had a phone consultation with CCRM and, in less than 10 minutes, the best RE in the country told us that we had tried everything we could and that there was nothing left for me to do and we should move on to DE.

Rather than this depressing me, honestly, I was very, very relieved. Now I KNEW that I was ready to move on to DE and I called our first clinic the next day and reinstated us to the waitlist. We were matched a couple of weeks later and cycled about a month later, resulting in the little girl you see in my sig.

Coming to terms with it is very, very difficult and all I can say for me is that, when I was ready, I knew I was ready. Does it mean that I didn't still have doubts? Absolutely not - of course I had doubt. I felt extremely disconnected from my DE cycle. However, the day we went for ET and I saw a pic of the embryos, I KNEW they were mine. No doubt about it.

Honestly, it's still a struggle. The genetic thing was so very important to me. I blogged about it here - https://helpingmakesense.blogspot.com/2008/12/why-do-genetics-matter-to-me.html. It still saddens me, however, I can tell you with 100% certainty that when I look at my daughter, she is mine - no iffs, ands, or buts about it!

I don't check in here all that often, but, if you have any questions for me, feel free to page me on the SAIF board. Good luck to you!

Temp848906437505510 · February 2010

Oh, and it may be semantics, but, I believe that, while I'm not genetically linked to my daughter, I am absolutely biologically linked to her. How can I not be when it was my body that grew and nourished her for 9 months?!

BRSaugust20 · February 2010

I came to terms with it because after 4 IVFs with my own eggs, my egg count was getting lower and the quality of our embryos was getting worse. My last IVF was when I was 39 years old so I knew time wasn't on my side either. I asked my RE to give it to me straight, if he thought we should try the one remaining protocol we hadn't or move on to donor eggs. He told me that if I truly wanted a take home baby, donor eggs was the best route.

From there, DH and I debated de or adoption. In the end, I liked our child having the genetic connection to one of us rather than neither of us, I wanted to experience pregnancy, and at our ages and for how long we had been dealing with IF, I couldn't handle the emotions of waiting even longer for adoption. So we decided de was better for us and after a few hiccups with donors, cycled about 6 months after making the decision.

Now that it has worked I am 100% on board that we made the right decision. Our parents and siblings know we used de but we haven't told extended family (aunts/uncles, cousins). Even though I am 100% glad we made this decision, there are still emotional issues. When we started telling extended family we got a few comments that bothered me (for instance, my cousin hoped for we would have a little girl with curly hair just like me when I was little). It is those moments I mourn the loss of a genetic connection however, like Lisa, I believe in the biological connection. What I am eating is nourishing this baby, it is my blood, etc. I am so happy we made this decision but I am sure the emotions are something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life (i.e. telling our child, discussing it when they get older, making sure they are comfortable with our decision, etc.).

You will know when you are ready to move on to de.

Jackie2200 · February 2010

I'm glad you posted this and I am thankful for the responses. I'm high a high FSHer and know that many clinics would say that DE is my only shot though we're hoping my age (31) plays a part and gives us a baby with my eggs. I've had the same worries and selfish thoughts. You're not alone and good luck with your journey....

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