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Phantomgirl
member
Serendipity got me thinking
Phantomgirl
member
She said in a post below, actually I think it was my repost of Mrs H question, when two adults get together and decide to have a baby they should both be equally responsible for providing for that child. That goes without saying so my questions is... What about my Fi's situation?
He had a ONS with BM who told him she was on BC. She admitted to him the next morning that she had lied. He offered to take her to get emergence BC but she said she would go herself. He called her the next day and she swore she got it. She didn't. Three months later she called him all excited to tell him she was pg. They were both 23, he was devastated and she was thrilled. He made it clear that he did not want the child. She had the baby and he requested a paternity test and he was the father. He has paid CS and stepped up to the plate from day one. She openly admits she had been trying to get pregnant for some time and that she got 'lucky' with FI. She told him it was the best thing she ever did. He has serious resentments. She has never done anything with her life or even had a bf since that and SS is 8.
Should my Fi have been given an option at any stage? Do you think he had any right to decide if he wanted to be involved or did he relinquish all rights when he took her word for it that she was on BC?
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Re: Serendipity got me thinking
Since it was a ONS, he should never have trusted her about the BC. He should have suited up or turned her down. I'm sure he is very resentful that she totally lied to him - that really does suck.
Yeah, honestly girl, even if it was my DH in the same situation, I'd be saying "Well, you made the decision to have sex and we all know what can result from that..."
Granted at the time of a ONS, most people aren't thinking about having a baby, but they should - because it can happen and we all know how it works. So to me, whether you were married 10yrs and have a kid(s) or had a ONS, you are still just as responsible for your child(ren).
Phantom - our situations are similar... DH had a ONS also with BM and she got pregnant... She had met him in the summer before heading back to her home state (MA). She called him when she was about 7 months pregnant stating that "some guy" got her pregnant, she was having an abortion (at 7 months?? HELLO.) and then they didnt talk again.
When SD was 8, she went after him for CS. He wasnt on the BC, nothing. He signed an AOP because he instantly fell in love with this child and swore "they had the same ears" so it must be his (stupid... I know) And we come to find - it isnt his child - but he signed an AOP - so he is SOL.
I think that the fathers should be given an option... BMs are given the option (adoption, abortion, allowing someone else to just raise the kid - our BM had GM raise the child). Its unfortunate but this is why I am so PRO - waiting until you are married for children.
Just saw one of the PPs. My DH did wear a condom - which it broke. It wasnt BM's fault (although she claimed she was also on the Depo) nor was it my DH's... It wasx an accident.
My DH and I strongly feel that had my SD been given up for adoption - her life would have been so much better, healthier, etc. She had no chance with BM "raising" her, which is so sad... She could be such a productive, valued member of society. I pray that when she is an adult (she is almost 15 now) that things may change and she will no longer want to live how her mom does... I dunno
Geoffrey he resents BM, he adores his son and like I say has been there since day one.
Both Fi and I think that stepping up to the plate was the right thing to do. I am all for a woman?s right to choose, obviously I am not hinting at one of his options being able to force an abortion of anything of that sort.
As for the option of involvement in SS life, it was his decision to be involved. My Fi is just not the type of person to have a child out there and not be a father to that child, he has had overnight visitation since SS was a few months old. He has been hands on and changing diapers from day one.
Other options - should he have to pay CS? Yes I believe he should and he does. So I guess we are all in agreement. Just wanted to know if anyone felt different about it.
nope, he had the option not to have sex. He had the option to put on a condom.
I get that BM is a douchenozzle, however, he should probably own his part of that. It's not all on her. Resentment of his son's BM, no matter how "righteous" is still a toxic emotion that hurts Fi in the long run.
How do you own your part any more than stepping up to the plate and being a father to the child?
J+R that really sucks, she is not his bio? Man I would be p!ssed.
I guess fathers are given an option, they could choose not to participate in the childs life. Thankfull neither of us has landed ourselves a deadbeat.
My ss now lives with us. We have paid CS for the last 8 years, covered ss's insurance and co-pays and purchased school supplies, shoes, clothes, etc. Had him at minimum EOW and one night a week. We also alway took him on vacations with us. My dh is not his bio-dad, and has always known that, but made a commitment to him when he was just an infant.
Now that he lives with us (it has been about 4 months) he is lucky if his BM calls him once a week, and he has seen her 3 times. SHe has never once even suggested she pay CS, let alone offered up any money. When he switched schools a few weeks ago dh and I did all the paperwork and meetings.
I sometimes feel like I should be pissed off about it, but I know that he's better off. Talk about getting screwed!
MY BFF is in the exact same situation as you and we often marvel at how these woman landed on their feet.
Wait a minute, are you my BFF?!!!
Plays the victim to perfection, lies roll of her tongue, sounds just like my BFFs BM. Yea their a piece of work alright, you have to wonder where they get the ball's to go after someone who is not the BF and 'expect' their child to be taken care of. Astounds me.
Phantom, your FI and my DH have very similar situations. I still have to say no. Part of the risks of having sex even on BC is pregnancy.
Your BM sounds like a real headcase tho.
Put your penis in a woman and you accept the risk that you will make a baby with her.
DH was in similar straits. He has no resentments or regrets, but trust me, this lesson we will teach our boys so they don't end up with BSC babymammas.