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Upstate NY Babies
SeptemberBride'08
member
Selfishness
SeptemberBride'08
member
I know this sounds odd but I've been thinking about it lately because I am soooo focused on me. Getting my body healthy, mind healthy doing the fun things I want to do and I realized how I'm selfish. Not in a bad or negitive way but right now it's all about me....and DH but you know what I'm saying. I just do what I want to do and when I want to do them.
So then I would think about kids and how you can't be selfish, at least not as much as I am right now....and that really scares me. How did you guys get over it? Did it happen before your kids, during the pregnancy, after?
For instance my shoulders get horrid knots to the point where if I don't go and get them worked out I'm in severe pain and get migraines. I can't go and just get these treated when I have a kids, let alone just one.
Did anyone else freak out about not being able to do the things you liked/needed to do before kids? Have you been able to do certain things to make it easier on yourself?
Took 2 years & 8 months to make our baby!
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Re: Selfishness
I think your feelings are totally normal and so much smarter than having a kid then having that "oh crap", moment, lol. Once I had Justin, he ran the show- I was used to doing things MY way when I wanted- not selfish but super bossy.
You may not have as much "me time" but you will find so much joy in time with the LO, you'll never look back. For example, (dork--->) I LOVE grocery shopping. I would go early am and get a coffee and relax, it was my me time. I thought with a LO I would be giving it up. Now, I couldn't imagine shopping without Justin in the cart, gnawing on a wegmans sugar cookie- singing, flirting and talking to everyone.
I love massages too, I don't have serious problems like your shoulder (ow, sorry) but I am just a tense person, lol. I can tell you this- after you have kids you will appreciate little luxuries like this 100x more. Sure it's more work to plan it- but after, I feel so relaxed and refreshed and missing the baby
It's normal to feel how you're feeling; having/planning to have kids is a huge change. Since the day E was born my life has been totally all about him, but I love it!
Just because you are a mom, doesn't mean you can't have "me" time... it's just not as often, and it has to be planned out! I think it's so important to have balance, DH and I both try and have time w/ our friends, and together as a couple. We do date night once a month, and get together w/ friends about once a month as well. Sometimes DH will stay home w/ E, and I'll meet my girlfriends out for dinner/drinks, and then the next week DH will do happy hour after work or something. Other times my mom or SIL will come over and watch E, and we will both go out (him w/ his buddies, me w/ my girls or sometimes all together w/ mutual friends)
If your shoulders are a problem for you, then you need to schedule time to get a massage. Maybe it won't be as often, and maybe DH can help you out in between
You need to take care of yourself in order to be a good mom and wife!
I think it's definitely normal what you're feeling. There was a point before I was pregnant when I really wondered if I could be selfless enough to be a mother. I loved being able to go anywhere on a whim, sleeping late, and just "me" time. After a while I came to the realization the desire to have a child was so worth the sacrifice.
I think I mourn my total "me" time every once in a while, but I still find time to get it now and then. My focus has definitely moved toward my son, and there are times when I feel guilty for being away from him to do something for me. I think having a supportive husband who can see when I'm ready to pop and forces me to switch gears helps. I also try to take pleasure in the mundane: Getting my hair done, going grocery shopping, even going to a doctor's appointment alone is a treat. I definitely don't have it all figured out (I'm still trying to figure out how to get back to the gym on a regular basis and I haven't scrapbooked in months), but I definitely know I'm getting there.
I think in your case, your shoulder pain is a medical issue that will take away your ability to be the best mom for your child if you let it go. You'll eventually figure out the balance you need.
You're feelings are normal and I totally have/had them...Obviously my "me" time is cut big time and its an adjustment (trust me- last week I was totally asking why i did this) but when you see your child in your arms or they look in your eyes- it makes it worth it..
I agree with PP- it takes more time to plan but you can get time alone (T & I had our first date night on friday- granted we didnt get to go out before the concert and after like we used to- but we had a drink and got to see the show) and you know what- I wanted to get home to L...
the truth is you can try come to terms with how it will be but honestly- you wont know til you are in it...
I never thought I would have issues with this after DS was born...but I had a horrible adjustment period. I had a hard time with not doing what I wanted, when I wanted. Plus, as a SAHM without a lot of local friends and zero family in the area, I struggled with not having adult interaction.
But - after DS was a bit older and I adjusted more...it was great to take him wherever I wanted and he had a ball doing it. I miss my husband a little - since we are now more our kids parents than each other's spouses...but we love it and we'll get back there soon.
With DD...I wish I could get out more, but I'm handling it so much better. I know it will come with time.
I agree with the others. While I was pregnant I kept second guessing if I was ready to be that selfless. And then after he was born, I have definitely had moments where I questions what the heck I've done - especially when he wouldn't stop crying or I just couldn't leave the house or I'm getting no sleep.
But things do change. And yeah - when they look at you, or smile at you, wow. It's amazing and I wouldn't trade it!
The beginning can be rough until you get used to each other, but you'll soon figure each other out, the best way to get out of the house together or alone, and get done what you need or want to do. ;-)
My first haircut!
Severe MFI - on to IVF w/ ICSI
IVF#1-2: BFN
IVF#3: BFP! - 1/24: ET - 5d - 2 blasts - 2/02: Beta #1: 16.2 ...... 2/04: Beta #2: 35 ...... 2/09: Beta #3: 401.5 - I'm pregnant! - 2/13: u/s #1 - baby boy, due 10/12, born 10/16! ...... 8 lbs 0 oz, 22 inches!
I agree with everyone....it just happens. I think it's part of that motherly instinct. And you won't know exactly how you're going to adjust and how you'll feel until they are here. You learn to appreciate the little things more - when Gavin's in bed for the night and I can take a hot bath with a glass of wine, getting to go out for a Mommies Night Out with friends, or a trip to a bookstore for some 'me' time. I remember getting so happy one day after DH had been traveling for a while and he came home. I got to go to the library and actually browse for a book alone! It was heavenly
The only think I don't feel the same about is this....
I love grocery shopping....looking for the deals, using my coupons, etc. I hate taking Gavin grocery shopping! He will only sit in the cart until his cookie is gone, and then I'm there trying to carry him while pushing the cart and looking through coupons....not exactly relaxing! I wish G would sit in the cart and sing and flirt like Justin! Now, a trip to Wegman's alone is a treat!