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South Florida Babies
Article: The Over-Parenting Crisis
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Re: Article: The Over-Parenting Crisis
That was great! And I could not agree with the author more!!
I didn't do the co-sleeping thing (most of the time), but I so believe that we, as parents, need to respond to our child's needs instead of us dictating to them what they should be doing. They will sleep through the night when they're ready, not when we're ready for them to do it. That has pretty much been my philosophy with Alexis. I introduce things and follow her lead. I did it with utensils, I gave them to her and let her play and helped her and showed her when she showed interest, but I never forced it or pushed it. Same with potty training, I have the potty, I sit her on it, if she goes great, if not no problem. I don't force it. When she's ready, I'll know it. Even if its not until 3. She is still in a crib. She hasn't tried to climb out yet so I'm keeping her there for a little while longer, until I need the crib for baby #2 or when she climbs out. Even though she will be older than 2.
I know that there are kids her age who do things that she doesn't, but I'm sure that she does things that others don't. It's all ok. I do not believe in putting pressure on kids to compete with others, it sets them up for failure. Same goes with food, I give her a variety of foods, she is normally a great eater and eats a good variety of healthy foods. So I give her treats; cookies, ice cream, etc. There are times when she decides that she's not hungry after a couple bites and pushes her plate away. Fine with me, meal time is over. She knows when she's full.
If you've been to my house, you know that I haven't baby-proofed anything and she doesn't mess with things. I'm not stupid about it, in the family room where she spends most time, nothing breakable is in her reach and I do have a guard for the stove so when I'm cooking she can't get burned, and a thing on the front door so she can't get out. Other than that, no gates, no locks on cabinets, etc. She leaves things alone b/c they are part of her normal environment and she has learned to live with them.
Interesting article, Mel, thanks for posting!!!! (sorry my response was soooo long)
I think it was definitely an interesting read, and in my opinion, the author has a point. I think that the abundance of information we have at our fingertips is partly to blame. While being informed and educated is a good thing, it causes us to compare and worry about what our baby is or isn't accomplishing. It's like a baby rat race. Sometimes parents get so worked up about what other babies are doing, that they force their baby to do things before they're ready. I know it's only been 2 months, but so far I follow Carley's lead. She knows what she needs or wants, and I can react to that instead of forcing her into something she's not quite ready to learn or do. Eventually, she will meet whatever milestones (whether earlier or later than her peers). When it comes time to potty train, move her from her crib to a toddler bed, I know that it'll happen when she's ready. To this day, I have yet to see someone my age who's still wearing diapers or sleeping with a binky in their crib -- jmo
As parents, we want to protect our little ones from every possible danger, but at what expense? If we micromanage everything our children do, how will they ever learn? It's one thing to guide them and assist them in making the right choices, but at one point we have to give up the reigns just a little bit.
I thought it was great! I am all about letting Sophie get dirty and fall down (to a degree). She has to learn somehow and as independent as she is sometimes it is not even my choice to let her try things by herself...she tells me she wants to do it "all by myself". I try very hard not to be a "helicopter mom" and hover over my daughter constantly. Its a fine line to be there for your child and overdo helping them with every little thing. MH is very protective. Then again, his mother would put arm swimmies on him when they went to the beach...to play on the shore, not even get in the water.
I am not into the cosleeping thing. I think that is where the author is kind of talking out of both sides of her mouth, in my opinion. I think you can be responsive to your childs needs and wants without sleeping in the same bed. Then again...she said she coslept because that was the easiest way to sleep in her house, not because she thought it was best so who knows.
The developmental thing and comparing is harder to not do. I don't push her but I do wonder. For instance yesterday, Sophie's BFF went to school all day in panties and did not have an accident. She is a month older than Sophie and my kid is no where near ready for that. Its those things that I have to literally pull my mind back and shake myself and say, "She will when she is ready." The potty training thing is probably the most stress I have dealt with since before she slept through the night. Giving up that control and following her heed on this one is NOT easy for me.
The co-sleeping thing, we did when we got desperate and IMO it was the easiest thing to do so that everyone slept. So, I that's what I took it to mean. So when she cries, I go to her and if that means sleeping in bed with me for a few nights, then so be it. That being said, it's been a very long time since I've done it. i think the last time was when she was sick and had a really high fever and that was because I wanted to be near her and make sure she was ok.
Mel - don't stress about potty training, Sophie will do it when she's ready. She will not go to kindergarten in diapers and if it's later than her friends, don't worry, it's not a reflection on you as a mom b/c you rock! Look at Alexis, she doesn't talk nearly as much as Sophie did at the same age - does that mean that I'm not doing my job? No, just that they're developing differently.
Let me be honest in saying that I am having a very hard time not comparing my child to other children of the same age. Its something I am trying to control. I know that my baby will do things at his own pace but then again, when I see other kids his age doing something more advanced, I kind of go into panic mode.
Ive tried to incorporate ap style into my parenting daily. It just makes sense to me. We cosleep, not as often as when he was an infant, but we still do it, like when he wakes up in the middle of the night (like last night). I love it. I love being so close to him and I love his face when he wakes up and sees us. He just smiles. I believe he will get over it eventually. But is the greatest part of the my morning. I try not to be too overbearing. My bro took my nephew to the urgent care b/c he scraped his head on the ground. I thought that was a bit much. I guess its all about striking a balance. We live in a society of fear and this fear has dictated how we raise our children. I remember riding my bike around the neighborhood, w/o my mother behind me. Were there child molestors back then?? of course!! I just have to make sure I raise my son with strong values and morals and to pray that nothing like that ever happens to him.
Interesting article!! I am of the crowd that do w/e works best for you and your family. Although I do agree w/the author that parents nowadays definitely are overbearing. I mean...my coworker whose daughter is 4 months older that Izzy said she was't doing tummy time w/her daughter b/c she didn't want her on the floor near germs. So yeah...definitely overbearing. And even though I've only been a parent for going to be 4 months (eek!!). I catch myself being a little too concerned with certain things (i.e. yesterdays post) but like you ladies said, each child grows at their own speed. No need to rush them.
I have to admit, I kinda forced Izzy into a schedule for eating & sleeping. But on my defense...I'm crazy. LOL I'm not strict with it but she defenitely eats...hangs out for an hour and than naps. I created her normal night time schedule and if she doesn't get her bath between 7 and 8 all hell breaks loose. That's the downside of this!!
One thing for sure....I agree with Leanna. Why babyproof your house?? I mean, I understand certain things like the kitchen or stairs. But I wasn't raised in a babyproofed house....we were just told we couldn't touch anything (especially my mothers lladro collection). And we didn't. Till this day my brother nor I have broken anything at my parents. And of course to a degree...let your child get dirty. Its healthy for them!!! I have pictures as a child w/my cousin playing in the dirt. Both of us covered from head to toe in dirt....my mom says we had a blast when we were allowed to do that.
Dude, on the babyproofing. We did not go crazy. We covered the outlets. We put locks on the cabinets that have any sort of chemicals. That was it...until I found Sophie standing in the middle of my kitchen holding a steak knife. Yeah, then we added the stuff for the drawers.
Other than that I have locks on my folding closets because I was tired of telling her not to reorganize the pantry. LOL. More for my peace of mind than her safety.
So yeah, a lot of it is in the w/e works for you category but I see what she means. Many moms take it to a whole new level. Your child is your project and therefore a reflection of you so he/she must be perfect. That is BS....and a lot of pressure on the kid. I am having the most fun I have had in my life being a mommy and while it can be hard at times - you cannot let yourself forget to have fun and be sweet and cuddle with your baby...just because. Not because some book says you should.
I think this is exactly it. Our moms didn't have rows and rows of shelves dedicated to parenting in bookstores the way we do now, and the Internet didn't exist, so you didn't get weekly e-mails telling you what milestones your baby should be hitting along the way or message boards with hundreds of other moms telling you how their baby STTN at four weeks or rolled over at 6 weeks.
I don't know if it was all moms from that generation or just my mom in particular, but she is so much more laid back than I find myself being sometimes and than what I see in a lot of other young moms my age. I try to let her be a positive influence on me and follow her lead so that I won't worry about so many things. When Emma was 3 weeks old, my mom convinced me to go Christmas shopping with her and the baby at Dadeland Mall. Guess what? Even after that "exposure" to the crowds in the middle of flu season, Emma is thankfully still alive, perfectly healthy, and has not gotten sick yet (knock on wood!). My mom is not stupid, and we made sure to take precautions (left the baby in the stroller the entire time, kept her covered with the blanket, didn't let anyone get close to her or touch her, etc.), but she really helped me to realize that you don't have to keep yourself and a child in a bubble to stay happy and healthy.
I was one of those who, before my child was born, swore I would never co-sleep. I was super against it and I felt like it was important for the marital bed to stay the marital bed and that it would be for DH and I only and off limits to our child. Fast-forward to coming home from the hospital and me recovering from my c-section...there was no way I was going to force myself to sit up every two hours and attempt to lift her out of the bassinet when it was so much easier to just lay her between us. Now Emma sleeps most of the night in her bassinet next to our bed, but when she wakes up for her last nighttime feeding (at around 4 or 5 a.m.), DH and I love to just leave her in bed with us so that we can cuddle with her for the rest of the morning. All my fears about co-sleeping were totally unfounded. DH and I resumed our very healthy sex life without a problem very shortly after Emma was born and her being in our room and in our bed for a few hours every morning has not gotten in the way of that. I don't know how things will change as she gets older, but I am trying very hard to just go with the flow and not get ahead of myself. This works for us right now, and when it stops working, we will find a way to adapt and make whatever changes we need to make so that the three of us will be happy.
I can be a little type-A and I already find myself mentally comparing Emma's development with what the experts say she "should" be doing at her age, but I really hope that I can keep that in check (I'm sure it only gets worse as they get older) and keep those thoughts to myself. The last thing I want is to project any pressure onto her and make her feel self-conscious or like I am judging her if she is not doing certain things at certain times. I've thought a lot in the last two and a half months about what kind of parent I want to be and I've come to the conclusion that one of the most important things to me is that Emma be a confident person. I want to base most of my decisions around that concept - which of these options will encourage her to grow up feeling more self-confident? I think being proud of her when she reaches certain milestones at her own pace and not pressuring her to do things before she's ready (which could possibly make her disappointed in herself if she can't do them) is a big part of that. So is not hovering over her or being a "helicopter parent" - I want her to know that I trust her to run around and get dirty and possibly have a fall or two without me chasing after her and watching over her every step of the way. Let's see how I do
This parenting thing seems to change all the time and you really do learn something new about yourself and your child every day.
I posted about this a few weeks ago. None of my close "real life" girlfriends or family members belong to a parenting website or own a copy of the AAP book. They know a fraction of what I do about parenting topics and I often find myself spewing information at them. Sometimes I feel good about all of my knowledge, other times I feel like I probably come off as a real headcase.
I am guilty of over parenting in many ways. I think part of it is because I have a college education, worked in the professional world for ten years, and then in my 30's decided to have a baby and be a SAHM. It's like parenting has become my new career. I often feel like I have to justify being a SAHM to my working friends by having a textbook child. It's like you have to prove to people what you do all day.
I know people who have almost four year olds with binky's in their mouth all day, an almost five year old who drinks from a bottle, a two and a half year old who lays across his mother's lap and drinks a "ba-ba" at every nap and bedtime, an almost two year old who drinks 8 bottles a day and hardly eats solids yet, and quite a few toddlers who are spoon fed every meal instead of self feeding. You know what though????? The only person who seems disturbed by these things is me. The parents are not concerned at all that their kids are weird or behind other kids their age. Meanwhile when I see these kids doing that stuff I judge the parents as stupid and not very good parents. I don't do it on purpose, I just can't help it because I know what kids at those ages are "supposed" to be doing, thanks to The Bump and my trusted copy of the AAP book (aka, The Parenting Bible).....LOL.