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Baby Names
Naming a child after a family member who died tragically?
We are expecting twins in April and we are waiting to find out the gender of the children. We?ve got our girl names pretty much locked up but the boy names are harder. Harrison is our favorite boy name but we need another boy name just in case there are two little dudes in here.
My husband?s father took his life when DH was 14. My husband dearly loved his father and after many years, and a lot of psychotherapy, he was able to come to terms with the circumstances surrounding his father?s death. We?re thinking of naming the second boy, if we have one, after his dad Cary.
I guess our dilemma is twofold.
1. Is it crappy to name a child after a family member who committed suicide?
2. Harrison?s nickname will likely be Harry so how horrible is it if when calling the boys by name we are shouting out ?Harry Cary? which sounds a lot like harikari, an ancient form of Japanese ritual suicide.
I never considered that naming the child after my deceased FIL would be a bad idea but DH questioned whether or not it would be fair to saddle a kid with a name that reminds people of such a dark time in their family.
We have another boy name that is high on the list. It?s not a family name, both Harrison and Cary are family names, but it also doesn?t have the connotations that Cary does.
Sorry this post was so long.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Naming a child after a family member who died tragically?
I just think I'd shy away from that because of all of the sadness that the name would remind me of.
And I think Harry and Cary would sounds strange together as siblings.
Ultimately, I would concentrate on another name.
I have a friend named Harrison and he goes by Harrison. I've never heard anyone call him Harry. If that's not what you want him called, if someone says it, tell them that it isn't his name.
If it is important to DH to name him Cary and you're on onboard, I don't see a problem. I would dread the day that he would ask about his name and you'd have to explain that to him. But if y'all are okay with all of that, I wouldn't worry about it at all.
But I think the "Harry and Cary" concern could be eliminated.
The rhymey thing didn't even occur to me, I guess I was so focused on the death part but yah, I don't want to do names that rhyme for our kids.
Maybe a middle name would be better. Kyle is the other boy name we like a lot. It doesn't rhyme with Harry or Harrison and it's not associated with such a sad loss.
That's what I automatically thought of, because of the Will Ferrell sketch on SNL. I do think Harry and Cary would be a little ridiculous. Could you use Cary as a middle name? Or could you use DH's father's middle name as a first or middle instead of Cary? I don't think the fact that he took his own life should rule out naming a child after him, but I do think the names need to not rhyme with each other.
What I was going to say, but this was already said so well.
This. Perhaps as a MN instead?
Go Cubbies!
This is exactly what I think of when I hear "Harry Cary"
I understand wanting to honor your DH father, however I would shy away from Cary because it is very much a girls name these days. You son will be teasted regardless that is his grandfathers name. Second, it does bring up super sad conotations. I would perhaps use it as a middle name or use FILs middle name.
Heather
Naming a child in honor of a loved one who's passed is one thing.. but I'd think hard about it in this situation. Passing from an illness or accident does not carry as much stigma as does suicide. I would not want to be named after someone who took his/her own life.
My sympathies.. my father also took his own life 15 years ago.
this,.
and i think that if your DH is okay with using the name of his father, go for it.
My good friend named her daughter Sara Jane after her sister who committed suicide about 5 years ago (her dd is just under one) Her sister's name was Sara and her mother's was Jane. I thought it was incredibly touching and for me personally, it doesn't make me feel sad at all, it just reminds me of what a wonderful person her sister was. I am so happy she choose this name for her daughter. Also, your husband's father passed quite a long time ago, so I don't think people would necessarily think of it and feel sad. If you don't want to use it as a first name, I would definitely go for the middle name.
Agree, perfectly said
I know your DH loves his dad, but wow...what a namesake.
Plus, the names sound bad together - either like harikari or Harry Cary the drunkard sports commentator for the Chicago Cubs. I would pick another name.
This is a tough one and it ultimately depends on how you feel. My mother in law was no saint. She had many awful flaws and the memories of her are tainted in many peoples minds. Her death is still in question (some family members believe it was suicide. MH and I do not and it was not ruled a suicide) and it happened at an absolutely horrible time- a week before her firstborn was getting married... further cementing the memory as the kind of thing you don't want to remember or be reminded of with a child.
But despite all of her flaws and despite her tragic and questionable death. Despite the circumstances of her life and death- there was one hell of a woman to be honored. She loved and she lived unapologetically and openly. She did her best to make up for years of flawed parenting in her last years and she was someone to be admired for being a survivor and overcoming a lot of adversity.
I don't care if people think of Elisabeth if we have the Elisabeth that we want. In fact, I hope they do. I hope they remember all the good she did in her life and all the happy memories. I hope they think of red shoes and laughter. It's been over 6 years since she died and it's time to move past the bad memories.
But that's our decision- to focus on the positive. If you can't seperate the negative from the memories or the name- you might make a different one.
Friends for 15 years. Married 8. TTC since January 2009
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2011 Treatment:
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Wow, thank you all for taking the time to respond to me.
For what it?s worth, FIL's middle name was Harrison, it's also DH's middle name, his sister's middle names, his grandfather's middle name, great grandfather's middle name etc. They are distant relatives of William Henry Harrison and while I appreciate the tradition and continuity, I don't want Harrison to be all of our childrens' middle name so we decided to make it a first name.
I talked to DH about it again tonight and he said he wants to think about it some more. I think including his father's name as a middle name would be a way to honor the charming, charismatic man he was before mental illness took all of that away.
I don't have a problem with the fact that Cary is a girl/guy name, I'm in the land of the wasp where people give their kids all kinds of kooky names. Nobody would think twice about a boy named Cary. I know a male Laurie, it's short for Laurison, which was somebody else's last name. lol
I would not avoid the name Cary bc of your DH's family history. It's after your DH's father, grandfather of your children after all. I can't imagine the nature of someone's death over shadowing their entire life and the person they were. Regardless how tragic the death was.
I would, however, avoid using Cary with Harry as names of siblings.
Wow, I'm surprised by all the people saying no based strictly on the fact he committed suicide. Obviously, these people have never had to experience something like that. My brother committed suicide 12 years ago, and my son will have his name. NO ONE that knows the situation thinks sad thoughts or immediately thinks omg, he killed himself, how could she? They think it's an awesome way to remember my brother & love that I"m doing it. It means a lot to my entire family. My brother was my world & I miss him dearly, and I think my son is lucky to have his name.
And I also believe my son, as well as my daughter, will love their uncle & will know all about him, his life, not his death (they will, at some point, know what happened, but why dwell on that? That's not what defines him, he was a person for 20 years before that.)
Exactly this. It's not about the way in which he died, it's about celebrating his life when he was alive. I'll be naming my son after my father who also took his own life.
If you and your family are comfortable with it then why not.
However as soon as I read the names together the first thing I though of was harikari