PPD from the get-go?
I'm not quite sure if this is considered "baby blues" or something more serious. I've been leaning more that way because I've felt like this since the second DS was born. But I don't feel it getting better, in fact, I feel it getting worse.
I've had a difficult time recovering from my c/s (that I never wanted) and I've now been set back by an infection in the interior incision that will most likely take FOREVER to heal. From the first day of his life I haven't been able to care for my son on my own, and my DH has had to take the reins almost 100%. I feel like he is a better mommy than I am. All I do for my son is pump and feed him. I can't carry him without pain meds, and I can't carry him with them because of how out of it they make me. I sleep through his feedings at night because of the pain meds, so my DH is stuck being up with him all night every night while I lay useless asleep on the couch. If I don't take them, however, I am in so much pain I almost can't stand to be awake.
I've distanced myself so far from my family now that I don't even feel the desire to get up and help. I see DS crying and I feel nothing, except failure. By the time I recover to the point of being able to do everything on my own, I won't even know my son, and he won't know me. Sometimes I just want to be pregnant with him again, because I was able to take care of him by myself. Or I just feel like I've made the biggest mistake bringing a child into a family that can't even count on the mom to be, well, mom. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, and everyone is judging me, especially my DH who has been stuck taking care of the baby PLUS me. I've always been a very independent person, so this has taken a real toll on me.
Could this be PPD? Or am I just being a big baby and need to suck it up? DH goes back to work this week, what am I going to do...I don't even know where to start with my own baby.
Re: PPD from the get-go?
I am so sorry that you are feel the way that you are. It sucks. I felt very much the way that you are. I had an emergency c-section due to HELLP Syndrome (most severe form of pre-e). I was okay until we got home, then I fell apart. I cried ALL the time. I was in a lot of pain--emotionally and physically. I was also so scared. Having gotten so sick at delivery, I was so afraid that something might happen to me. Just thinking about how bad I felt then makes me feel a bit ill.
I called my OBs office a day or two after I got home. They had me come in to see the staff psychiatrist. Ultimately, after a couple of weeks, they determined that it was PPD and put me on meds. Slowly, I started to feel better. I knew that I was turning a corner when I didn't wake-up crying and I felt excited to get my DS out of bed.
Somethings that helped me, in the interim. Eat frequent small meals. My appetite sucked, but I also discovered that after I ate, I felt a little bit better. I ate roast beef (lunch meat), cut-up fruit (from the grocery store, not cheap, but I was in no shape to stand around cutting up fruit) and I drank 2% milk. I ate that 4 or 5 times a day for weeks. I would try to get someone (or several people) to help your DH with the baby. It will help you to know that your DH is getting the support that he needs. I know that it is hard to ask for help, but you are recovering from major surgery and have a newborn, in addition to being in a rough place emotionally. I wish that I had been able to let go of my guilt about not caring for my son sooner. It was hard.
My MIL (for the first week) and my parents (for 2 months after that) took care of me and my son. I was in NO shape to take care of myself, let alone a newborn. Yes, I missed a lot of his first 6 weeks or so, but I had to heal.
The good news is that it WILL get better! By 2 months, I was feeling much better. This was good because that was when my DH came home from deployment for R&R. (Poor guy, for the first 2 months, whenever he called home, I bawled my eyes out to him. Talk about feeling helpless!)
One last thought--my MIL mentioned to me that the pain killers are depressants. They depress your system so that you aren't in as much pain. I know that you need to take them now, that's why the docs prescribed them, but, once you are off of them (and healing from the surgery), you may feel a bit better. I know that I felt a little less terrible.
Thinking of you. We're here if you need us!
Yes, please don't be so hard on yourself!! I had a c-section that I didn't want either and it was very hard for me to deal with it. I also couldn't breastfeed and I felt like a failure. I wished I was pregnant again and felt depressed and anxious all of the time. After getting on medication and talking to my OB I started to feel better. It took time! Please take a deep breath and know that it will get better soon. I depended on DH a lot in the beginning. Now, I have been able to take all of the feedings at night and take care of him completely while DH is at work. To be honest, your baby isn't going to remember what happened in the first few weeks, or even year of his life! Once you start feeling better I am sure you will bond quickly. I felt like my baby was a stranger for the first couple of weeks. Talk to your OB about what you are feeling and see what they recommend. Keep us posted and we are all here to support and listen to you!