LBD - Lesbian Bed Death.. fact or fiction — The Bump
LGBT Parenting

LBD - Lesbian Bed Death.. fact or fiction

or is it marriage or the 3 year old and the constant exhaustion...

i'm a newbie here.. so i thought i'd start it out with a bang.  my wife and i have a beautiful son who is perfect in every way.  my wife and i fell in love ten years ago, got married 5 years ago and are still going strong... sorta.

i've stopped counting.  i believe that it's been at least over six months since we've had sex.  it hasn't happened since we moved our son from his crib to his twin bed.. and that was eons ago.  we have a door.. that locks.. so being interupted isn't an issue.  we're tired.  all the time.  that may be the issue.

i'm still struggling with post partum depression, which can't be helping.. given the side effects of the meds.. but i'm usually the one who initiates and gets shot down.  

we started "couples therapy".. god i hate that term.  it sucked too.  very cathartic for the 50 minutes we were in the therapist's office.. but then we had to go home together.. not the best thought out approach.  maybe we need to time future appointments so we go to work after.

My question?  Everyone jokes about lesbian bed death..  is it truly joking or could this be part of what is going on.  we're both in our mid-30's.. so we should be in our prime.. but nothing.  i don't even remember the last time we really kissed.

I'm open to any insight/suggestions.


My Blog:  The Duck Flies (Formerly Two Moms and a Baby)

Re: LBD - Lesbian Bed Death.. fact or fiction

  • First off - welcome to the board!

    I don't think there's anything special about lesbians when it comes to this issue.  Life is busy with jobs and commitments, and kids make even busier!  I think it's worth giving therapy a chance, and I also think you need to make time for romance (yes, it's easier said than done).  It's very easy to get swept up in chores, to-do lists and all the demands of parenting a toddler - if you don't try to carve out a little time for each other, it may never come.  Can you try to find an hour once a week for each other?  After your son goes to bed, or before he wakes up, maybe?

    There are others on this board who have young children - maybe they'll have some further insight for you.

    sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer

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  • We also have 3.5y olds (twins) and I can say that it is fact..not fiction... in our house.  Like you, we are perpetually exhausted. If not physically, emotionally (by the constant chatter, being climbed on, etc) that when the kids are finally in bed, we just want our own space and to enjoy not having to talk (we are both introverted and the constant preschool banter is exhausting for us.) But in talking with my straight friends who have kids, the lack of sex/intimacy is true for them too - so I think LBD should be changed to PBD (parenting bed death.) 

    We are trying to be better in carving out time that is just for us - but we often end up doing things that aren't easy to do with the kids around. We are also trying to set up date nights once a month by swapping childcare  with a friend of ours (since we often don't get a sitter due to $$$ and we don't have family to sit) which at least gives us time to go to dinner/see a movie/etc without the kids.

     Good luck - and know you aren't alone. Oh, and welcome! :)

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  • Welcome :)

    I can hear the struggle and worry in your voice so i'll start off by saying that i'm so sorry you are dealing with this tough situation. ((hugs))

    I agree w/ Mrs F that its not just a lesbian issue.  I participate in a few mom message boards and this is a common topic, even though 99.9% of the moms on are straight.  Its just very easy to shift your focus off of  marriage/romance when you become a parent.  Children are so all-consuming that it can be really hard to eeek out a little more of yourself for anything but your children.  Not to mention, when you've been with your partner for a while, its easy to get comfortable.  And we have a 3 year old and a 3 month old so i hear ya on the exhaustion! I'm tired all.the.time.

    But, being the product of a loveless marriage (my parents were/are the stereotypical "stay together for the kids" type) I made a promise to myself to always make my marriage a priority.  Pre-kids I envisioned a hierarchy that was along the lines of : marriage, children, extended family, friends.  Now that I have kids, i cant say that its quite that distinct, but I can say that kids and marriage are at least equal. So, I make sex a priority because i know we need it to maintain a healthy marriage.  Here are some "tips" we've used to keep the lovin alive:

    - Realistic expectations. It would be ridiculously overhwhelming to try and keep up the same frequency as pre-kids. Now we relax the pressure on ourselves a bit and are perfectly happy with once a week. If its more than that, great! but, its not something we are going to stress over. Pick a number thats right for you and make every effort to stick to it.

    - lunch breaks.  we're lucky enough to live and work close enough to make a quick stop home at lunch. which is great, 'cause sometimes thats the only bit of time we have in a day.

    - Go to bed early.  sometimes that means 7:30 because thats when we still have a bit of energy. it also means leaving dishes in the sink, laundry unfolded, and toys not picked up.  but thats okay, because my marriage is more important than a tidy house.

    - Get help! If i'm overwhelmed by life in general, there is no way i'm adding more to my plate - sex included.  So, its really important for me to be aware of my feelings in all aspects of my life and get help when I need it.  Maybe that means hiring someone to clean my house, or asking my wife to do a load of laundry, or picking up a pre-roasted chicken for dinner, or whatever.  No one benefits from be trying to be a super hero and do it all myself...and being the ultimate control freak, thats not easy for me to say!

    - related to the previous, get a babysitter. This is hard and can be the cause of mommy guilt, especially since our kids are in daycare/preschool 3/4 time. But, when i remind myself of how damaged i was by the lack of love in my parent's relationship, the guilt quickly fades.  Even a couple hours on a friday evening can be pure bliss.  Our three year old has a blast at Parent's Night Out at My Gym, check it out if you have one in your area.  I also love 2bride's suggestion of swapping kids...i'm definitely going to try and set up something similar.

    - Start with making out. some nights when DW initiates and I just dont think i have it in me, I'll say okay to a little make out session. then once we get started, one thing leads to another, and I'll realize i have a little more energy than i thought.

    best of luck! being a wife and a mom is hard, hard, hard.

  • wow. i didnt realize how long my post had gotten. sorry! Embarrassed

    ps. i just checked out your blog and your son is so stinking cute!! being a redhead myself, i have a special affinity for cutie little redhead children :)

  • Thank you all for your responses and the time you took to put so many thoughts down "on paper" for some random stranger.  I don't think I've given these online forums enough of a chance in the past.

    I'm curious to see how things play out.. I'll be sure to let you all know when I can restart the LBD clock.. *chuckle*

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