s/o Does anyone feel judged for not SAHM by male coworkers?

trinny · February 2010

The majority of guys I work with who have kids around DD's age have wives who SAH. And I do get the sense that they think daycare is inferior to a parent at home (just from some small comments). But somehow we can live just fine with our own choices without judging and bashing each other. I wish it were true among all the moms I know.

EastCoastBride · February 2010

I've never felt judged by any man for being a working mom.

MrsT1209 · February 2010

Not at all. This is a very family oriented company and there are quite a bit of working mom's here. I have no idea if their wives work or SAH. It's none of my business and doesn't affect my opinion of them.

SoldiersGreenBean · February 2010

I'm with ECB - I've never felt judged by any of the men.

kgb1411 · February 2010

No. Sometimes I do find it difficult to compete with men who have SAHP's though. They can stay later, pick up more projects, etc.

I am in a child psychiatry fellowship though, so most of the people I work with are either child psychiatrists or training to be one, and they are educated enough to know that my children can develop multiple attachments to me, my husband, their grandparents, and their DCP's (and it might actually be a good thing).

Sometimes the men I work with do make a point of telling me about the careers their wives had (or could have had) prior to being SAHM's. Maybe they think I judge?

luvmagoldn · February 2010

Hmmmm....not judged but assumptions have been made. When I was on maternity leave with the twins everyone assumed I would not come back. The men actually seemed more suprised than the women when I did come back to work.

Not sure if that was judgement or preconceived ideas but I thought it was weird nonetheless.

The_Jen626 · February 2010

I work with almost all men, and no one has said anything to me at all. The few women that work here, all have kids, and none of them have said anything either.

shouldbworkin · February 2010

A little bit at my last job. When I'd started there, there were 3 women on the executive committee. When I left, there was 1 and she worked PT (in a role that is typically filled by women). It was pretty clear how they felt about women at that company.

At my new job, not at all. It is a small company, though. Even the owner's wife has started to work here.

DallasHorn · February 2010

No, but my company is pretty evenly split 50/50 men to women. But, who I do feel judged/penalized by in DH's boss. He is completely unforgiving if ANYTHING should arise that requires DH's involvement with the kids.

As an example, DH told his boss that our nanny turned in her resignation and we would have a nanny start 1 week before I was scheduled to be out of town for a whole week. Thus, the week I would be gone, DH was not going to do his weekly 1 night stay in a city about 2 hours away (DH and I both felt him being that far away on week 2 with a new nanny was not something we were comfortable). For me, I had no choice to not travel since the required meeting would include coworkers from all around the globe - I had to be there. DH's boss basically said "I don't care. I expect you to be in X city on those days." I was pretty PO'd as it's not as if DH couldn't handle things remotely for those 2 days. In the end, my meeting had to be rescheduled, but still, really sucks that with DH's boss, it always has to be the mom (even if she works) to handle everything kid related.

Hope that example makes sense.

blondie75 · February 2010

Not at all. All of my co-workers are men and they seem to think that I'm some sort of superwoman.

duchess0727 · February 2010

blondie75:
Not at all. All of my co-workers are men and they seem to think that I'm some sort of superwoman.

I agree with this. Typically the men I worked with who had wives at home thought I was pretty incredible for doing it all and cut me a lot of slack when it came to face time and flexibility. As a result, I think I will only work for men who have kids

sju · February 2010

I don't get bad comments for the most part. I sometimes feel that some of the guys respect the work I do and how I balance my personal and professional roles. However, DH and I (we work together) do get comments about income. That is annoying because I work for more than just the money. My independence is priceless.

Some of the guys who are close to us whine about having to bring all the income to their home but their wives on the other hand kind of brag about how much their husbands support their decision to stay home. I sense communication issues between them but that's not our problem. We just ignore them and like op, can hang out together without bashing each other.

AlisaS · February 2010

Never. The only thing I have experienced is envy from men who have SAH wives. My husband got a laughable amount of high-fives from his coworkers when they found out I was a career woman who had no plans to SAH.

I think men who have SAHWs often feel a lot of pressure and resentment they aren't "allowed" to express.

sju · February 2010

AlisaS:

I think men who have SAHWs often feel a lot of pressure and resentment they aren't "allowed" to express.

I think that is what happens to our friends.

BoxTer · February 2010

No, but I don't work with many men. My boss has no kids and is very career-oriented. The other guy in my office has an adult son. Of the other women here, they all have grown kids. I'm the only one with a small child!

ohio01 · February 2010

I work with very few men (and they have never expressed anything either way) but some of the women here have commented about DS and daycare and illness (he was sick off and on the first few weeks he started daycare). It bothered me at first because I was still trying to adjust to life as a working mom, but now I've learned everyone is different and I just do the best I can.

wheelenl · February 2010

The only male who (I think secretly) wishes I stayed home were DH. But he understands that it's not for me and it's never going to happen. Tried it once, not again.

The majority of my male coworkers' wives do SAH but there's no judgment at all from them. One of them thought it was weird that I was coming into visit on my ML. About five minutes later he came and apologized for being a d*bag and said he forgot that my community is my coworkers (his wife stays home).

Bella427 · February 2010

When I returned from maternity leave I felt equally judged by both sexes. No one else in my office has young children, and my first few days back they all seemed horrified when I responded that DD was in daycare. They all said things like "Oh, your parents don't watch her? That's so sad she's already in daycare." Yuck.

RoxyLynn · February 2010

I've listened to some of these guys complain about how their wives don't work for FAR too long for them to say anything!

Shauna07 · February 2010

Nope, not at all -- and I'm the only women in the department, AND -- I run the department

If anything they respect that I'm a hard worker and fair manager, plus a mom. Or maybe, they're just too scare to say anything to me because I'm their boss!?

j/k

BlairWaldorf · February 2010

Absolutely. The main guys in my office all have SAHM as wives so I don't think they grasp the concept of a working mother since they never saw it in action in their own home.

A certain someone in my office repteadly told me that I wouldn't be back after I had Harrison because my "priorities" would shift.

They did. My finances did not.

BlairWaldorf · February 2010

Bella427:
When I returned from maternity leave I felt equally judged by both sexes. No one else in my office has young children, and my first few days back they all seemed horrified when I responded that DD was in daycare. They all said things like "Oh, your parents don't watch her? That's so sad she's already in daycare." Yuck.

this. My favorite was, "I just don't understand WHY you don't want to take care of your baby!"

Because I CHOOSE not to be homeless, dipshiit.

mysticporter · February 2010

No, but I'm an oddball as a WM with a SAH husband. Interestingly, my coworkers in general had a really hard time when I first started accepting that DH was a SAHD, on purpose (almost none of them have SAH spouses). They figured he must be involuntarily unemployed and kept trying to 'help us' find him a job. Now that they've gotten used to it, some of the ones who are part of two-income spouses have expressed envy about me having a SAH spouse and not having to do some of the juggling they do (if LO is sick, what happens when we have a new baby too young for daycare, etc.)

hiltyn78 · February 2010

Yes, both at my current and last job. Because I am not above snarky comments, I said some equally ignorant dumb things about the pitfalls of SAH. I don't *actually* think one is better than the other but sometimes the little comments get old. (ie, my one coworker's wife SAH when his kids were little and still to this day does their laundry- the kids are 18 and 21. My mom taught me to do my laundry when i was ~8 and i plan to do the same.)

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s/o Does anyone feel judged for not SAHM by male coworkers?

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