just need to get it out...

tme · February 2010

hi. i posted on here a while back - and it's been a few weeks since i've even been back. i think at my last post i was almost 7 weeks.

at 10 weeks we went in for our first ultrasound. there was no heartbeat and we were told we would m/c. since it appeared that it had actually happend around week 6 - but my body had missed it - we were given the option of waiting another week to see if my body would naturally remove it - or schedule a d&c. we waited.

waiting was the worst part. i still felt pregnant. my boobs were still getting bigger and i still felt the same - hungry, tired and i still needed to wear my maternity clothes. then after a few days the cramping started and i experienced the worst pain in my life. granted - i was one of the lucky girls that never had cramps before -ever. but these were bad. all i could do was curl up in a ball - and at one point the pain was so bad i threw up.

oddly, i think it's ok. my husband and i were absolutly devestated and i can honestly say that sitting in the doctors office and being told there was no heartbeat was the worst moment of our lives. but in some way - it's ok. we are ok.

i have a firm belief that the human body knows what's best. my body knew something wasn't right and it was time to end that journey. and i feel like in some way - the m/c has really brought my husband and i closer - and gave us an opportunity to learn more about each other than either of us thought possible.

and now we wait until we can try again. and actually - as i type it, i don't like the term "try".....it just seems now, more than ever, no amount of trying or planning will make a difference. when it is time for us - it will happen. at least that is my comforting thought right now.

thanks for letting me write this and get it out there.

angel1015 · February 2010

Oh sweetie! What a horrible feeling, but it sounds like you and your DH are working through it together. I hope you are physically feeling okay!

minnteacher · February 2010

I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are in a good place now.

katieln · February 2010

I can't even imagine the emotional or physical pain that you went through. It's so good to hear that you're working through and that it's brought you closer together. Thanks for sharing your story.

Melissa17 · February 2010

I am sorry for your loss.

Peace and love to you and your husband.

MrsAshley16 · February 2010

I'm so sorry for your loss! It sounds like you are thinking all the "right" things, and I hope you can find some faith in that! I hope the best in your future TTC!

ilovebijou · February 2010

I'm so sorry for your loss.

RJB08 · February 2010

So sorry for your loss! I hope the best for you and your DH in the future.

hbach83 · February 2010

[hugs] Right Hug

I'm so sorry to hear this.

AlishaMay · February 2010

I am so sorry for your loss, I know all too well what you are going through. I want to offer you some hope, everyone is different and there are no guarantees in life, but odds are on your side that you will once again conceive and have the baby you dream of.

I agree with previous posts, it sounds like you are in a really good place, but don't forget to let yourself express and feel the feelings that feel 'wrong', like anger, resentment, frustration, and fear. These are just as important as hope, faith and love for the child you lost, and in some ways more important to the processes of working though your loss. After my loss I saw a therapist that specializes in perinatal issues, and this was one of the most important lessons that I learned in that experience.

When you are ready to consider conception again, have a talk with your doctor about some preventative tests and other things that can be done. In my experience, they were not able to find a reason for my m/c, but before ttc again I was given a saline infused sonogram to check my uterus for any minor abnormalities, and sadly to make extra sure everything had passed. Once I did get a positive pg test, they had me come in the same day for an HcG and then again the following day to make sure the numbers were doubling. Also, my doctor started me on a baby aspirin once a day, and progesterone suppositories for the first trimester. I can't tell you if this is the right path for you, but it's an example of what preventative measures there are. I also can't say for certain that these things have helped me to conceive twins spontaneously, and carry them to my now almost 20 weeks. But what I can tell you is that it made me feel a lot better knowing that we weren't just leaving it up to chance. Whether it's true or not, it made me feel like I had some sort of control in a situation that at times felt very helpless.

I wish you and your family all the best. Feel free to message me if you need an understanding ear, or have any questions. I'd be happy to help any way I can. Good luck and best wishes!