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Adoption
amberfernandez
member
Thoughts on this card from birth-grandmother
amberfernandez
member
in Adoption
We have met the birth grandmother twice, and each time, she says things about wanting to be really involved in the baby's life, wanting to possibly babysit, etc, and each time, we say that we'll see how our relationship develops.
Today we got a card in the mail with a picture on the cover of us with the BM from her 19th bday last weekend that the BM asked us to come to, and the inside says:
It takes a village to raise a child......
We are so glad that (BM name) found the two of you...It just seems meant to be...
We sincerely hope that we can all stay connected and be a part of the baby's life.
What do you guys take from this? Is she just being nice and thoughtful, is she beeing pushy, is she trying to insert herself into the baby's life. We're having our hospital plan / open adoption meeting with the BM in three weeks, and she is bringing her mom with her, I just want to be prepared, and somehow nicely let her know that this will be OUR child, and we would like him to have a relationship with her, but on pre-determined terms.
The BM is fine with pictures and emails, and visits 1-2 times a year. It's just the BM's mom I am concerned about.
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Re: Thoughts on this card from birth-grandmother
Hi Amber. Yikes, that puts you in a tough position. Without knowing her, I would say that yes, she is trying to be nice and thoughtful. Yes, she is being pushy (IMO), and yes she is trying to insert herself in the baby's life.
What type of discussions have you had with the BM about openness? Is the BGM aware of your agreement? Does she want to be more invovled with than her daughter? It sounds that way. Is it something that you could talk to the BM about? I don't really have any advice, but I'm sure others here will. You may want to ask your SW for ideas on how to approach this situation as well. Sorry I'm not more helpful.
The BM doesn't have a close relationship with her mother, she grew up with her father in Mexico while her sister grew up with their mother here. She wasn't going to tell the BGM about pregnancy because the BGM gave her sister a VERY hard time about being an 18-yr old single mom. For whatever reason, our BM told the BGM about the pregnancy, and the BGM agrees that she can't raise the baby or help her daughter, and that adoption is best. But,...the BGM wants to be WAY more involved in the baby's life than the BM.
BM is very clear about wanting pictures, and visits only 1-2 times a year. We told her she can bring whoever she wants to the visits, including the BGM. BGM lives about 9 miles from us, and sees things very differently.
I'm just not good with this stuff.
Of course it will be your child. Trust me, she knows that. But this is also her grandchild. Please think about what this is like for her. How hard would it be to "lose" a grandchild? If she's a good person, loving, and respectful of your role as parents, you may decide that you want her in your child's life.
We have a wonderful relationship with Q's bm's mom. In fact, she babysat today for an hour so I could go to the grocery store. Our relationship has evolved over time . . . . and I trust her completely with our son. She simply loves him to death and wants to be a part of his life. We are so happy for Quinn that he has so many people---including DH's parents, my parents, and birth mom's parents, who are there for him.
Open adoption may not always be comfortable, but if that's what you're planning, you need to be prepared to recognize that birth families do have a role in your child's life. Of course, you are in control to the degree, but being open-minded may give you an incredible reward.
You put that so eloquently, thanks so much for your advice. I will make sure that I approach everything with an open mind, and hopefully, our son will just have one more person to love him.
Thanks for the advice.
I think that although the grandmother is trying to be nice (I'm sure she REALLY wants to know her grandbaby), these are early signs of someone who is going to be a PIA. I hate to be insensitive but those types of adoptions can be hard. It might be best to stop all communication...maybe send pictures of baby on its birthday to BM and she can share with her mother.
It's your baby now and although you want to be sensitive and nice, and you're a woman so you can understand why they want to be involved, the BM knew what she was doing when she decided on adoption.
BTW, I was adopted and am very happy I didn't have any influence on my life from birth family. I don't hold any hard feelings against my birth family, I am very thankful for giving me the family I have, but it would have been confusing for me and I know it would have been terrible for my mom and the rest of my adopted family.
Sorry, but I think you're the one being insensitive. "Those types" of adoptions? Huh? Every adoption and every situation is different. I do believe you get out what you put in. A positive attitude and reaction just might lead to a positive outcome.
I rarely respond over here but THIS really irks me.
Imagine your child being fully grown and comes to you to say that they are pregnant and placing, what would be, your grandchild for adoption.
Imagine, for just a second that kind of hurt that you might feel in your heat and stomach. Imagine, for a just a second how frightening it might be to never know or get to be involved in your grandchild's life.
I don't see any reason to believe that this grandmother doesn't realize that the adoptive parents ARE/WILL BE THE parents. She wants to be involved and to know her grandchild. WHY is that so wrong?
I am so grateful for Grant's biological family staying current with his life, and us with their life. We didn't start out with an open adoption but as we all looked past our own fears and how uncomfortable some situations could be for us, the adults - we realized what a blessing and wonder it could be for Grant to have the best of all worlds - his parents and future with his roots.
Not all adopted children will wonder about or want to know about their roots, but I do believe as adoptive parents we have the obligation to our children to leave doors open for them - if the should ever choose to walk through them.
sstephen, your response is very sad to me. Yes, there are situations in adoption where birth parents/biological family members are not healthy influences and their contact should be kept at a minimum - but this just does not sound like one of those situations from what the OP has stated.
Half the battle for adoptive parents, IME, is learning to have confidence in themselves as being THE parents - that doesn't mean that you have to push everyone else aside so that you don't have to deal with ALL of the uncomfortable emotions of the biological roots.
Haha..Well said. It's just a Valentines card--it's not like she showed up on your doorstep with roses, chocolates and a romantic dinner planned for her and your baby..
I'm not going to get into the open adoption debate but I did want to say that (without knowing the details of the birthfamily) the age of the BM could have something to do with this too. I try and imagine my mom in this situation. She was so excited for her first grandchild (H) and all those grandmother instincts kicked in. With your BM being so young (and maybe there being no other granchildren yet?) I could understand the feelings of the BGM.
I will say that while we don't have a fully open adoption with our children's birth family one of the most amazing moments of my life was the conversation I had with H's BGM on the phone in the hospital room. The love and tenderness that resonated through the phone is something that will be burned into my memory forever. I could hear how bittersweet the whole experience was for her. It broke my heart.
I feel like I should clarify/expand my earlier comments. I don't think anyone here (except for one poster) is suggesting that she completely exclude the BGM from baby's life. Amber gave no indication that she planned to do that either. I think she was just a little uncomfortable about the card she received, and was asking for advice on what to make of it and how to handle it.
I am at about the same point in my adoption journey as Amber. The BGM was at the match meeting as well. She was wonderful, and DH and I are comfortable having some degree of an ongoing relationship with her.
That said, I would probably be pretty uncomfortable if I randomly received a card that said "It takes a village to raise a child". I would wonder if she had the same expectations of openness that we did. I would be concerned that she might be looking for a relationship than we were comfortable committing to upfront. I would also be unsure of how to ensure we were all on the same page without pushing her away or hurting her feelings. I personally would (and do) want to take it slow and let the relationship naturally evolve over time.
Right or wrong, I think that open adoption can be scary at first. Many of the PPs in this thread are already in successful open adoptions. Please remember that those of us who are just beginning that part of the journey do not yet know what to expect, and may be a little uneasy with committing to a village raising a child that we have not yet met.
I really have enjoyed reading all of these responses, and appreciate all of the insight from those who have been there.
I think that the "takes a village" comment was passive-aggressive.
I think the rest was fine.
And I agree with the pp's who tried to take the BGM's POV.
Another thing to consider is that the BGM may not be as clear on the concept of open adoption as her daughter is, or you are. It may be an evolving process before everyone has worked out their new roles.
Wow, I had no idea I would get this type of response.
We have no intention of cutting the BGM out once the baby is born, our full intent is to slowly develop a relationship with her, and have her involved in a grandmotherly role. We really like her, her husband, and her 9 and 12 year old. She had the BM and her sister before she was 20, and now each of her children were pregnant at 18, so this is a very young family. She has been a GM for 4-years now so this isn't her first grandchild.
My only concern, like pp's have said, is that I don't think she fully understands what open adoption means for all parties involved, and from other comments she's made in the past, such as wanting to babysit for us and the "it takes a village..." in the card just confirms that.
We have our co-op meeting on March 8th, and since we'll be formally writing up the openness agreement with the BM, it will be a good time to discuss the same with the BGM and set some ground rules. We can always go above and beyond once our relationship develops, but I have a feeling that she wants to be super involved from day one, and in my opinion, it's going to take some time.
I really appreciate everyone's opinions and it really helps to hear from those of you that have your babies home and have some real-life experience with the way these relationships develop. We knew open adoption was going to be hard at times, but in the long run, I want my son to have those relationships so that he understands where he came from, but also, that he knows he is surrounded by people that love him.
This is why I love this board, everyone is just so wonderful, and there is just a wealth of knowledge and experience to share!
I am a birthmom, so obviosly, that is the perspective that I am coming from. My birth daughter is 14 and we have a fully disclosed, open adoption. One of the things that I have learned is that everyone in a birthfamily experiences loss and grief when a child is placed for adoption. My parents lost their grandchild and my sister lost her niece. However, very early in the adoption, most people are so focused on the birthmom that it overshadows awareness of how other memebers of the birthfamily are doing.
I am guessing that the birthgrandma who sent the card is really worried about losing her grandaughter. She doesn't have any control of the situation because her daughter is the one making the decision. It seems to me that she is being supportive of you as a family by accepting and supporting your roll as parents but adding that she wants to help and be involved.
If there aren't any other things that are really concerning you, I wouldn't let this letter worry you. It sounds like she has a pretty busy life and if she seems "normal" and not over the top crazy, I would appreciate that she is one more person to love your baby.
I know open adoption is different to everyone...but I think you're totally over-reacting to ther "it takes a village" line.
*I* personally used that same line many times in describing our ideal open adoption experience. I don't believe it means that anyone else is parenting your child in saying that -- when I said it, I simply meant that I think it is wonderful to have so many people around who love a baby -- in whatever capacity. And I honestly believe, adoption or not, that it DOES take a village to raise a child. But that's also the background I come from, where our home was open to anyone...family, friends, neighborhood kids at any time. It never fails at holidays that my parents have someone at their table who grew up with us but couldn't make it home for some reason.
So maybe it will help to view it from that perspective and not that she's being threatening or trying to assert herself into a co-parenting situation. It sounds to me as if she simply wants you to know that she wants a place in your life and in her grandchild's life and wants to make sure you're aware of that. Maybe she's afraid if she doesn't speak up, she'll be left out.
We AP's tend to overanalyze everything (as I'm sure the birthfamily does as well), especially as you get closer to the birth and things will get very tense. Expect not only yourself and the birthmother to be emotional, but also other folks who are impacted you wouldn't expect to be. I think it sounds as if you've got a great plan for including everyone -- just try not to read too much into it. ((((HUGS)))
(p.s. This is not meant to be critical AT ALL! Just a perspective of someone who's been there.)
AmberF - I think this was a GREAT post! I love that we got input from matched folks, post-placement Moms, and an adopted child! Thanks to all for the advice - I know I will be filing this away for future reference.
I don't really have any advice that hasn't already been said. If I were in your shoes, though, I would probably just try to be as honest as possible at the openness-agreement meeting about my feelings - both the excitement and the fear. I'd explain that I DO want the birthfamily to be a part of baby's life, but that I'd also like some private time with baby to build our relationship. That doesn't mean we won't make time to have baby see them, but that the birthfamily relationship will take time to grow and develop.
One idea for you might be to put down your minimum expectations. For us, that was that we wanted visits 2-4 times per year, and always around Christmas and birthdays. Then we said that we were flexible and open to more contact over time. The piece of paper was less important to us than the message that we were committing to this relationship, and willing to let it naturally evolve. By the b-gma giving you that card, that tells me that she's already recognized you as the parents. She gets that you call the shots.
I tell you, the first time I took Quinn to his b-gmas (we call her "Abuela" instead of "grandma") it was surreal. I dropped him off and she babysat for a bit. I'm not going to lie . . . it felt crazy--for about 5 minutes. Then, I realized that I was giving him a gift, too When I picked him up, she cried, hugged me, and thanked me. She continues to be so thankful for their time together. It isn't quite the same as if her daughter were parenting, but it sure is pretty cool.
I could talk forever, lol. Enough on this. ;-)
My friends adopted domestically about a year ago.
They have 2 openness agreements - one with the BM and one with BGP. BF is not in picture.
The BM only wanted very little contact with baby, but the grandparents wanted a ton of involvement. So, they wrote up 2 sets of agreements through the agency. Thus everyone knows what to expect.
The BGP really wanted to raise the baby, but felt they were too far into retirement to realistically do so. However, they did not want to lose contact with baby and wanted to shower the baby with as much love and affection as possible. Heck, BGP even started a college fund for baby and love to buy her things. So, the baby has 3 sets of grandparents and is loved (and spoiled) so much by everyone.
Personally, we are hoping to have BGP involved and want as open as a relationship as possible. The more people there are to love the baby, the better for the baby and everyone (in our opinion). In a perfect world, our families would become extended families with sharing of birthdays and holidays.