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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
LoriFalce
member
Help me balance my criticisms.
LoriFalce
member
I have family members who are criticizing my decision not to go back out for my cousin's daughter's funeral. How dare I not go out and hold hands and show support?
Conversely, I have family members who criticized the initial idea that I would go out and bring Joseph.
The thing is...if we go, I'd have to bring Joseph. My other siblings are going. My mom is going. My SF is going. I don't have anyone to leave him with. I don't think it's appropriate to bring him, not when he is the youngest person in the family other than the baby we're saying goodbye to. I'm not going to rub my healthy baby in Polly's face.
This is just killing me. I hate the idea that people think it's mean of me to not go, but I just so don't want to hurt her anymore than she's already suffering. We're so close. I mean, our mothers are twins and we're only a month apart in age. There are ways I'm closer to her than I am to my sisters, who are much younger than me.
So what do you think? Am I doing the right thing? Or do you have a better idea for me?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Help me balance my criticisms.
I think that you are doing the right thing.
Tell your family to shove it. It's none of their business whether you go or not. I think it's awful that people are trying to make you feel bad.
I can't imagine bringing Liliana to a funeral, much less a child's funeral. She just would not understand, obviously, and we're not at a point where she can sit through things like this. I skipped the funeral of my friend's brother this past Thursday, because there was no way that I was bringing her to the funeral of a man who committed suicide. I can't imagine how sad that funeral was. She is very sensitive and probably would have started crying seeing everyone else crying.
I think I would try to find another babysitter. Do you have any friends or anything? I mean, I stick to family for babysitters, but I would ask a friend or a sitter service, in this situation. A local nestie you talk to? Maybe a drop in daycare? It would only be for a few hours.
I wouldn't bring him to the funeral. But I really wouldn't want to miss it either. I'll be honest. If something happened to my child, the excuse of 'can't find a babysitter' would sting.
I'm so sorry you're struggling to "do the right thing." It's such a sensitive situation.
Is there no way you could leave Joseph with DH and go to the funeral? I haven't been following your posts, so I don't know the distance and other details, so forgive me if this is an unrealistic option.
Personally, I think it would be so hard for your cousin if you were to bring Joseph, probably harder that not seeing you there for the funeral. If you can't go without him, is there any way you could make yourself available to her to support her however else you can? It's not mean of you not to go if you're trying to spare her further pain.
If it's just other people in the family who think this, forget about them and focus on your cousin. Do you have any idea what she thinks? Has she told you that she really needs you to be there right now?
How far away is the funeral? Can your DH drive you there, drop you off and entertain your DS somehow while you are at the funeral?
Is you're mom staying in a hotel? Can DH stay with DS there or is there someplace he can take him for a few hours?
I'm so sorry about everything : (
It's eight hours away. My friends I'd consider leaving him with are four hours in the other direction.
See my problem?
Yes, that is what I'm thinking too, then.
Have you spoken to your cousin? Would you be able to ask her what she thinks or feels? What about DH driving you & than keeping Joseph somewhere else while you attend the services?
I'd try to be there. I think she needs that.
That's a thought. And Matthew would probably appreciate it. My aunt gives him hives.
Ok strike what I said. Didn't realize it was so far from home. Will tess's idea work?
I'm so sorry.
I definitely think you should try to be there; ditto the idea of your husband going but staying with your son during the funeral.
I would go. Regardless of the fact that Joseph would be there. Your cousin needs your presence.
I am sorry, Lori
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. My friend lost her baby 1wk after my son was born and it was very hard to deal with. I didn't go to the funeral of her baby because my husbands uncle passed away the same day and funerals were the same day.
Anyway- I would go, but I don't have a problem bringing my kids to funerals. I do like the idea of staying at a hotel and having your DH and DS just hang out there if you are really against bringing him.
*HUGS*
9/24/2011 Plymouth Firefighters 5k: 47:13
11/12/2011 Diva Dash 5k: 45:45
5/5/2012 STEM school 5k TBD Coming up in 2012:
6/10/2012 Walk to Remember SIDS foundation 5k
(in memory of a sweet baby boy)
11/10/2012 Diva Dash 5k
I didn't realize the baby passed. I'm so, so sorry. How tragic
I'm with the others - I think the hotel idea is a good one. What a rotten situation.
I agree with this. You said you're really close to your cousin; I bet you can hazard a pretty good guess as to what would mean the most to her in terms of support. She may need that public support at the funeral, or she may need you more to be a shoulder she can cry on in private, later; or talk to on the phone once things have sunk in; etc.
If you think that she really needs you to be at the funeral, I agree that getting a hotel room for DH and DS to stay in while you go to the funeral is probably a good bet.
But I'd try to set aside what other family members are saying about your decision and really, just think about your cousin. As long as the two of you understand each other and she knows that you're there for her in whatever way *she* needs, that's what is most important, IMO.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
Thanks everybody.
I talked to Polly this morning, and we're actually going to help her out with something. We're going and staying in a hotel. (This part really didn't occur to me because we always stay at my aunt's house. But between her dog and my allergies and the fact that she's whiny and makes my husband crazed, this should be fantastic and probably the way we go from now on.)
But Matthew's going to keep Polly's son (he's 4-ish) at the hotel during the funeral. He keeps asking why they had to leave their baby at the funeral home and when is she coming home, and that's just going to be too much for her at the time.
And I can't tell you how touched she was to know so many people were praying for her when Emma was born and when she left them.
Thanks everybody. Your suggestions have solved not just my problem, but hers.
Have DH drive you guys out and then hang out at your mom's hotel for the few hours of the funeral.