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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
Dh just shocked me with his rudeness...
I am so sad right now.
Since DD was born I have taken on all the night shifts because I am bf. Well Dh works 48 hours on and 96 off so he really only works 8 days a month. When he gets off his 48 hour shift that means I have also been on my own with LO for 48 hours. Well he just got off this morning and I asked him if he got a full night sleep (he is a firefighter so unless they get a call, he sleeps all night) and he slept from 11-7. Well DD had been up four times for the past two nights and then kind of fussy during the day (very unusal for her).
So tonight we put DD down and got ready for bed. I had one bottle of breastmilk pumped (pumping sucks for me and I am only able to get 1/2 to 1 ounces each time so it takes me a lot of sessions to get that much). So I asked if DH wanted to take on DD next feeding and he got super frustrated out of no where and was like "Well, what do I do?" in a super rude tone and started kind of slamming around getting ready for bed. I told him that nevermind I would do it because I knew I would not sleep with this *** on duty. So then he gets all defensive and says that I am the mother and the reason I am off for these three months is to take care of LO. And all I do it sit home all day while he "goes go the gym and the grocery store" WTF! Like that is hard- trying taking care of LO! Well a yelling matched ensued and now DD and I are out in the living room. She is still asleep and I am just crying b/c I am so disappointed in DH. I always read about DHs happily taking nighttime feedings for bottle fed babies and I assumed DH would help out too- guess not.
I have no idea what to say to him tomorrow. I don't even want to look at him.
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Re: Dh just shocked me with his rudeness...
I'm sorry... I don't know what to say, besides {{{{hugs}}}}} That is total horsesh!t, what your DH is doing.
Just try to get a good night sleep, and have a honest discussion with him in the morning.
{hugs} I am so sorry and want to say I know how you feel. Staying at home with DD these past 12 weeks have been much harder than I thought they would be. Trying to give her the attention and affection she deserves and still trying to keep the house presentable and not lose my mind.
My DH was just promoted and works 6 days a week 12 hour shifts so I know he is tired and works very hard but I feel like he doesn't appreciate the work I do. I had many cry sessions in the shower (that is the best if you haven't already done this) and finally I sat him down and confronted him about his lack of help. I suggest you do the same but you HAVE to stay calm and not become frustrated and cry even though you really want to yell and throat punch him
he has to know how you feel. Things were a bit better after my sit down with mine....probably need to talk to him again.
Please know I get your feelings and I am here if you want to vent. You're doing a great job as a mom and keep growing that baby.
I'm sorry you have to go throught that. My DH is a corrections officer and worked mids when we first had our LO. I thought after his month paternity leave, I'd start getting nights back b/c on the nights he was off, he'd take the night feedings. WRONG. Even tho I pre pumped milk, pre measured and had diapers stacked/extra jammies/binkeys the works all laid out, he told me he "needed his rest" are you effing kidding me?! Then he started a job w/in the courts 8-4 M-F and would get home and say he needed "me time"... Lets just say the guest room got some work after that! Now that things have cooled off and he saw HOW much work the baby really is (it took me going back to work after 4 months for him to get a real dose, not just the occasional one), he now regrets all of his actions and is so attentive. He's even said he is tired now watching him (he's now 10 mo) he couldn't imagine what it was at the beginning. Complete change around. He told me later it was b/c he was afraid of the baby and didn't want to admit that. He was afraid of doing something wrong and not knowing what to do when he cried/fussed/wouldn't calm down.
My point is, give it some time. This is just as much of an adjustment for him as it is you. I'm not sticking up for him, but working with FF/POs all day has taught me one thing: They are stubborn and when the going gets tough and they can't fix something, it's easier to avoid it (and in my DHs case, pick a fight). Which as a new sleep deprived mom, is not what you need. Force yourself to take time for you, I found that helped (even tho DH would call with every question and then be mad at me when I got home).... You are doing GREAT. It's an adjustment, one I am sure you will look back on and say "whew, glad that is over!". Best of luck!!!
My advice is to tell him you didn't sign up to be a single monther and he needs to step it up.
Don't shut him out, let him watch your baby even just a little during the day time---he needs a real glimpse into your day so he can appreciate what you do and realize you need a break. Hand baby over and tell him you have been on the clock for x amount of hours and need a break. No one can work that many hours straight with a baby, he will realize that, but he needs to actually experience what that is like.
eta: mine can only handle a couple of hours with ds, but it doesn't matter, it makes a world of difference in his attitude toward me. If he doesn't help with ds he makes sure to help around the house with laundry etc.
My DH is a police officer and works midnights. He has traveled multiple times since DD has been born, and I have to tell you we have had our fair share of arguments. EBF I find makes it more challenging because his solution to every whimper is a breast in the mouth.
Our relationship got A LOT better when I went back to work. He is keeping DD during the day until she starts daycare. He was soooo grouchy the first couple of days, and I would get frantic phone calls. Then he got to know her, and know her cries, and anticipate her needs. The best for me was when I had to work two Saturdays in the past two weeks. He had both children for 8 hours. He then had an idea of what I deal with quite regularly.
I would talk to DH. I would also start making little outings alone and leaving LO with him at first. Like the gym, the grocery store, the mall. That way he matters and has to figure it out. The breasts have left the building so to speak.
Good luck.
I agree w/ PP, it sounds as though your H may feel a little scared about how to correctly care for DD and is acting out about it. My DH was that way. I was so good at soothing and caring for DD that he felt a little left out about it, and just didn't really think he would be that good at it.
However, as time has passed he's become awesome with her, and is very hands-on. I think you should give him a hug in the morning and talk to him rationally about it.