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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
MIL's bashing us to family!!! (vent)
DD was baptized last Sunday (she was adorable!) and we had a lunch at our house after the ceremony. It was just my parents, MIL, StepFIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their families plus Godparents and their families. We don't bring DD over to MIL's house because she and her hubby smoke (a lot) in the house. The place stinks and we don't want DD exposed to that because we're both avid non-smokers. We told her this before DD was born and she tried to argue with us and accused us of trying to cut her out of DD's life. That is not at all the case. We've told her that she's welcome to spend time with her at our house since we only live a mile away or we will bring her to DH's grandparents' house since that's about 1/2 way. She refuses because we won't bring DD over to her house. At that point it's all on her. Well, I spoke to one of the Godmothers today and it turns out that MIL spent a good portion of the lunch telling people that we wouldn't let her see LO and making backhanded snide remarks about us. At one point she told FIL (who hates her) that he will have to teach her how to say "Grandma" because she doesn't get to see her enough to teach her. Hi. Little rude are we? Especially in front of my parents who both live out of state and would give anything to live close enough to visit regularly. My mom is in fact selling her house and moving back here to be able to watch LO grow up. She'll do that and MIL won't even come over here to babysit! It's like she sees it as a power struggle and thinks that if she whines enough we'll give in. Um... Not happening on this one. STFU and just visit her over here! Ok. Vent over.
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. - Harry, "When Harry Met Sally"
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Re: MIL's bashing us to family!!! (vent)
Do you ever invite MIL over- I mean, I know you gave an open invite, but have you tried asking her to come over on a Tuesday night or something like that? Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable enough to ask to come over... just a thought.
We have similar issues with MIL- not because she smokes, but she lives 45 mins away versus my parents who live 8 mins away... and MIL doesn't drive. MIL also hates coming to our house because she hates our dogs and thinks our town smells (we live near the Mushroom Capital of the World, which is where I grew up). Plus, DH works 3 jobs, and I'm not close enough with MIL to take DD down there by myself.
DH used to visit his mom like once a week. Now, it's about once every two weeks. So whenever he goes, he takes DD with her. And every month, we're going to try to have BIL & SIL bring MIL up to our house for a visit (they live closer to her and have a baby 6 months older than DD). That's our effort to appease her--- especially since BIL and SIL take their son to see her (and have her babysit for them) WAY more than we do!
I completely understand how you feel, because my MIL is very similar to yours it seems. She's a great lady, but will NOT come over to visit unless we pester to about it endlessly.
It took until DS was about 5 months to actually get her to come over regularly, so you may have some time before she comes around.
Good luck!
There will always be a power struggle between MILs and DILs. And it sucks. But you have a legitimate concern about the health of your baby when it comes to her house, i.e. smoking. Honestly, I wish I had a 'built in excuse' ... but I can't exactly say to MIL, "Um, your house is dirtier than I would like my child to be in, and your other grandchild may be my child's cousin, but he's a sick, dirtbag of a kid that I don't want spreading germs to my kid, so clean them both up before we'll come over." Sounds kind of petty doesn't it?
Anyway, my attitude is if MIL is going to let something as trivial, (or non-trivial), as ... (insert whatever it is that's trivial or non-trivial here) ... come between DD and me and herself, then it's her loss. Because whatever she says about/does towards me, she's also saying about my daughter. ANd it goes both ways, if my relatives say something negative about her, then my relative has said it to me and my daughter and my husband. (I actually had that happen, and had to have a 'talk' with the aunt who totally was trashing my ILs.)
You are the parent, and you are raising your child to the best of your ability and in your child's best interests, and not wanting your child around cigarette smoke is a legitimate health concern. There are documented studies about the increased risk of SIDS, illnesses, etc, associated with infantile exposure to cigarette smoke. It's your MILs choice to not see her grandchild, not your choice to not let her see her grandchild.