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I have a "bad" child and don't know what to do. Advice?
Last night when A got home she mentioned my mom saying something about her going to daycare. I called and asked her about it and she pretty much said that Amarah is bad and she can't continue to keep her if she doesn't behave. I told her I can't address the problems if she doesn't tell me about them and just talks about me behind my back to my sister.
She said that it's things like not listening to her & doing what she's told, basically having to repeat herself, she told some man who called my mom by her first name, "don't call her that!" (which is what my mom has told her when she tries to call her by her first name and not grandma), she was being mean to her little friend last weekend and telling her they weren't friends anymore ... and get this, she asks a lot of questions. She's f*ckin four, of course she asks a lot of questions. We also argued about her sleeping habits and I told her everytime I tried to correct it when we lived with her she lit into me and made a big stink so I gave up. Now it's biting me in the ass. Anyway, the not listening and talking to adults disrespectfully is something that I've been trying to correct (not sure if the listening thing is even possible with a kid). Of course my mom is like, "if her own blood doesn't want to keep her what makes you think a stranger will?" ... which makes me feel stellar.
I really don't know what else to do. Spanking is ineffective and elicits "you don't love me." I feel like talking to her is fruitless b/c she's not listening. I can't get her to sit still for time-outs, taking things doesn't seem to phase her. I really don't know approach to take.
I just feel like I'm failing at this right now and don't know what else to do.
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Re: I have a "bad" child and don't know what to do. Advice?
Pretty sure her and my DS are the same age, and you know what? He does the same things. They're four. That's what four year olds do. They don't always listen, and they have attitude and they argue and negotiate. Not all the time, but it comes with being four. I know my DS isn't a bad kid b/c all the other four year olds in daycare act the same way. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, belle, don't let your mom get under your skin (or try not to).
As far as suggestions though, I know rewards go really far with DS still. Even the sticker chart can still motivate him pretty well. If he has a good day at school, he gets a treat after dinner. If he has five good days at school, he gets a surprise at the end of the five days (usually like dollar bin stuff).
Ugh! That's hard! I think your mom isn't giving you a fair chance to be the mom to your DD by telling you what is going on. And I think its a million times harder (I would imagine anyways) when you are doing it all by yourself!!!
She's not a bad child...she's just 4...and 4 year olds induce hair pulling, eye rolling and "ohhh emmm geee...who is this child!" from every mom!!!
I don't really have any specific advice, because I don't think you are doing anything wrong! (that I can tell anyways!!!!)
(((((((((hugs))))))))))) it will get better!
Have you tried reward charts yet? If you have or have seen my posts before, I won't go on. But if you need info on the "good listening" reward chart I do with DS I'm happy to share.
ETA: And ditto the others. She's four. This is all normal. Your mom is being unreasonable.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
What is with the childcare situation (maybe you've mentioned it?) A probably senses the friction there. I don't think she sounds any different than other 4 year olds--I'm not saying it's okay to let her act like that, but it is also what every other person deals with. It sounds like you know that she's really not bad, though.
Will you be able to get your mom on the same page if you try to do something different? Because without consistency, it just won't work. Will A be able to get into a public pre-k next year?
Thanks. Most kids this age that are know are similar in behavior too ..
The sticker, rewards idea is a good one. I don't know why I didn't think about that. I guess I was more focused on discipline and should know that's not always the be all and end all.
I do have to say she is the sweetest child though. I was crying and she told me to put my heard on her shoulder, everything would be ok. How effin sweet is she?
She's 4. I know my 4 yo daughter thinks she knows more than everyone. She constantly tells me no and tries to do what she wants. Correcting her and making her apologize, etc. seems to work for her. SHe is the kind of child that hates to disappoint the people she loves. You just need to find what works for A. And I won't even get into the sleep habits. My child has the worst you've ever seen.
I think it's entirely possible that your mother has forgotten what it's like to have a 4 year old. Because I am sure she's been through it herself!
Try the reward chart if you think your mom will be on board for it. I'm sure you've seen my posts about it before, but I went overboard with it just to ensure DS would see success. He got 3 stickers if I only had to say something once and he did it, 2 if I had to say something twice, 1 if I had to say it three times, and none if it took more than that. I did lots of reminders ("I've already asked you once, but you can still get 2 stickers if you do it when I ask you this time") and got him stickers he really likes. The rewards he was aiming for were almost not as important as just getting the stickers, but they helped, too.
I find that sometimes just disciplining gets us into a rut where he thinks he's bad, so he gets worse.
GL! She is sweet and she's not "bad." She's just acting her age.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
My schedule is crazy. I used to work 1:30-10 M-F, now it's 11:30-8:30 Sat- Wed. so it's hard to get her in traditional childcare , MMO (which was full anyway), etc. My mom will insist on keeping her and then she'll get all "she needs to go to daycare/preschool." She works 3rds so it's hard on her too and I acknowledge that. Not to mention it would just eat up over half of my income but I'll just have to cut out some things ... :::sniff::: likely goodbye internet and cable. I''m going to make some calls today and tomorrow to see if I can get her in somewhere from the second half of the day or so and then my mom can only have to keep her a few hours M-W.
I really can't see my mom getting on board or cooperating with anything. This is a woman who gives me resistance or diluting juice. Anything really relevant would be like pulling teeth,
I'm applying for it but there is a lotto and they are only picking around 20 kids and the first few slots go to special needs kids. I would love if she could do it b/c it's at the same elementary she'll be going to K at.
Femme, I've seen your posts but would still gladly accept the info. Email it to me.
edit:: femme, we were posting at the same time. Thanks.
Thanks everyone else.
She's not a bad kid, infact she is pretty normal for her age! DD acted like that when she was 4-5 years old sometimes. She has grown out of it now with help from us. How are you supposed to fix the problems when they are not addressed to you? Your mother should have been talking to you in the first place, not your sister! Iam sorry I really think some of these problems could have been avoided if your mother was bringing them to your attention, and you and her worked together to fix the problem.
I agree with everyone on the rewards chart although I have never used one, I like the idea of it. Also if you have to discipline her in another way let her know you are doing it BECAUSE you love her, and you don't want to see her possibly get hurt.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
"><a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"><img border="0" src="http://tickers.myfitnesspal.com/ticker/show/825/1820/8251820.png" /></a><p style="text-align:center;width:420px;"><small>Created by MyFitnessPal - Free <a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com">Calorie Counter</a></small></p>Yeah, it probably won't do much good if your mom won't be on board, and I'm not exactly shocked to hear you say she won't be. You can use it at home, though, and see if it motivates her to improve her behavior there.
I'm sorry. That sounds like a really difficult situation.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
If she wants the problem corrected she'll have to get on board, you know. I can't do it by myself. To the pp, she loves to b*tch about me to my sister instead of talking to me or she'll just barely talk to me at all and I usually figure something is about to go down.
Thanks everyone. I've got to start getting ready for some appts. I'll talk to you all a bit later.
I think I have read that you have other issues with your mom too. From a completely outside perspective (and based soley on what I have read on this site) here are my thoughts.
1. Your relationship with your mom is complex and that makes your relationship with your daughter's caregiver super complex.
2. Your mom works and takes care of your daughter for free (or am I wrong about this?). You acknowledge that this is hard on your mom, but resist any criticism that she gives you.
3. Your daughter is 4. She has a lot to say and she cannot be immune to the tension between you and your mom, she must be aware of it. She may well be acting out because of the tension that she is aware and part of. That may be making her behavoir more intense than the average 4 year old.
4. You project resistance on your mom's part for positive change.
I suggest you sit down, just the two of you sometime and hash out a plan that will see you through the next 6 months or until your DD starts attending kindergarten (Sept?). It will be difficult and the plan may not work out perfectly, but I sense that you each have expectations of the other that have not been articulated except in frustration.
A light at the end of the tunnel might be just what you both need.
What I did when DS was in that horrible daycare last year was make the chart myself, provide the stickers, and do the rewards myself. All they had to do was put the stickers on the chart. Maybe that would help her decide to participate, IDK.
We're heading out of town this afternoon and I have a crapload of work to do, but email me and remind me and I'll send you anything I can to help you with this.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
One thing that really has helped w/my 5yo (we started when she was 4) was the parenting technique 1-2-3 Magic. The premise is staying calm- OH so hard to do- and counting them whenever they display a behavior that is unacceptable to you. This can be from hitting to talking disrespectfully, etc. The main thing is to provide an immediate consequence for their action & to be consistent about doing so. For instance, if my 5yo gives me attitude: *calmly* That's 1. (she does it again) *calmly* That's 2. (if she does it again) *calmly* That's 3. Then provide the consequence.
I use time outs w/my DD & she used to be a nightmare to get her to go to one & stay in one. I use her room, and the rule is that if she opens the door once I put her in time out- something of hers goes into the garbage. I threw away quite a few things before she got the picture that I was not budging on that. Now the rule is that if I have to help get her to her room, something goes in the garbage. I never have to help her anymore
Oh, and I use her room for TO because what she really needs is to be in a quiet place & distract herself with her own things so she can calm down. TO in a common area do not work for her. The 1-2-3 Magic book is pretty cheap (less than $15, or you can get it from a library).