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Baby Showers
NOW what do I do... ?
I will begin by saying that my relationship with my MIL is prickly and superficial at BEST... she is very negative, passive aggressive and shallow... her only inquiries into my well being thru my pregnancy have been how the amount of weight I am gaining and how much I am showing... she began pestering about plans for my baby shower a month ago - while it is still two months away - so she could coordinate travel... understandably so...
I have asked my family - who is throwing/hosting my ONLY shower - to please keep the event 'Adults Only' so I am able to mingle and visit with my many guests without added distraction... no invitations have gone out yet - however my MIL has just informed my Mom that she AND my SIL will be attending AND plan to bring SIL's 2 kids under 5 !!!! When my Mom politely informed them that we had not planned to extend the invitaion to ANY children - MIL responded back in such a snit - practically accusing my family of deliberatley excluding the two children... saying that ANYONE would understand the importance of their attendance and WHEN is a Baby Shower NOT about children...
My view.. it is a Baby SHOWER, NOT a Baby SHOW... and with my many friends and OWN relatives with children - to include them ALL would create a chaos that I do not want to have to endure on an evening (Oh yeah - an evening Mock-tail Party theme BTW) of adult time... MIL refuses to acknowledge that the theme, decor and space are not child friendly - seeing the situation ONLY as a deliberate exclusion of their children...
I fully intend to hold my ground - and my sister has even offered to help MIL and SIL hire a sitter for the time of the shower... suggesting that THEY might like an Adult evening as well...
Even worse - MIL has involved DH - LYING - by saying HE was aware of their plans and totally on board with it... he was NOT and is actually on MY side regarding the scenario...
WHAT TO DO ???
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Re: NOW what do I do... ?
Where is your SIL in all of this? Regardless, the hostesses need to remain firm.
It is DH's family and he needs to be the one to deal with this. He needs to make it clear that #1 he does not appreciate her lying to you and #2 that the shower is an adult only event and that the children are not allowed to attend. If they have a problem with it then they don't need to come.
What to do?
NONE of you should get into an arguement over this. Keep things very simple and to the point. "This event is adults only". (When I say "you" - I'm talking about whoever she's directing these comments to).
She says anything about baby showers being about kids, you say "I respect your opinion. However, this event is adults only".
She says you're deliberatly excluding those kids? "That is not our intention.". She continues to say "Yes it is! Why else wouldn't they be invited?", you say "Again- this is an adult only event."
THEN - if she just dosen't let it go, you say "MIL, I know you're upset that they aren't invited, but that's where it stands. I'm not going to continue to discuss this. I have to go now. Good bye".
AND perhaps get your DH to talk to her..
But as Roxy asked- where is your SIL on this? This may really be all the MIL! I have to wonder if someone were to call your SIL and just nicely say "Hey- we wanted to touch base w/ you. We realized there was a miscommunication. The shower is going to be adults only, but MIL said you all were planning on bringing your kids. As such, we wanted to talk to you about that and see if we could help find a sitter for them while you're at the shower".
Heck- you might find that she has NO IDEA it's adults only and will gladly keep them at home!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Firstly, since this is DH's side of the family, I would ask him to address the issue. This will allow MIL to see that you have a firm bond that she will not infiltrate, as well as not further push a wedge between you and her by you or your family dealing with it. I would also advise him to deal with SIL, as she may be more flexible/understanding and they are, after all, her children.
He needs to explain that the shower is adults only. It is that way for all guests, not just them. He may even offer to babysit, if he wants to go above and beyond. He needs to reiterate the importance of having MIL and SIL at the shower and being a part of this special and exciting time in your lives, but make it clear that the children are not allowed/invited.
If MIL or SIL is still unable to accomodate your one, reasonable request, she does not need to come. If you are concerned that she would show up, children in tow, the day of the shower, you need to have DH call her a week before the shower and confirm she's made child care arrangements.
Showers are generally not events for children, so what you're doing and requesting is not out of the norm. However, I would be prepared for the off chance that they would disregard all efforts to make it clear the children are not welcome, and be somewhat prepared for them to show up. In other words, could DH come to the shower with you, in an effort to greet your guests and thank them for their involvement, and if MIL/SIL show up with the children, be prepared to take them at this point. If they show up without the kids, DH can say hello to them, then head on his way.
I think this is pretty sound advice. Having DH handle it won't necessarily solve the problem and in these scenarios, you'd sound like a reasonable individual and are standing your ground.
This is pretty much exactly what just happened... after my frantic call to DH. MILs replies were that it was not a LIE - but a miscommunication - which again - is a LIE... and that 2nd - if the children to not travel as well - then SIL wil not be able to attend... as their father - DH's brother has work and school and a plethora of other things that will keep him from caring for his own children...
MY sister made the offer to help them find a local sitter for a few hours... this didn't seem to fly or was at least not acknowledged...
But NOW - DH is pissed about the 'drama' and demands that ANYTHING to do with his family go thru him.
It may be worth mentioning that his mother has been hard to deal with since day 1 and he has never once stood up to her about me or for me... not even when she showed up at our wedding in an off white cocktail dress !!!!!
Being a parent means having to accept you might have to miss out on events if they aren't child friendly and you can't get anyone to watch them!
You're allowed to have an adult only shower and your SIL will just have to deal w/ missing out on it. And as she used the fact that you weren't engaged as a reason to not invite you to hers (which really makes NO sense), you aren't all that close to her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I would have no problem telling them "Oh, sorry, this is an Adult Only party. I guess you will have to get a baby sitter or leave the kids at home". If they are being really difficult. DH shoul put his foot down since it is his family.
Heather
Sounds like you need to talk to DH and get him on board with you. He is your husband and should be on your side. Not his mother's.
Stand firm against the children coming if you don't want them there.
Oh - DH is on board - but is not seeing things 'entirely' my way... as it stands - it hasn't been brought up since MIL's spastic calls to him about how 'horrible' I am... whatev - seriously.
As it stands - invites have gone out - worded in a small font below the RSVP info is 'Adults Only Please'...kudos to my sis for that one... no clue if they will respond or show or not... though DH has now said that HE will boycott if THEY boycott... (he wanted to be included at first to see everyone who would be travelling in)... which I think sucks - esp when my Sis and I had a few things up our sleeves to 'include' him in things without overwhelming him with girlieness...