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NBR:How do you deal with your mother?

gypsywitchgypsywitch
in 3rd Trimester

My mom and I have a very rocky relationship. She spent all of my pre-teen years up to this point, an alcoholic and a crazy one. While she's better with her drinking now, it is still a factor and changes her personality severely. 

  My husband is leaving the 1st 2wks in march for work, this can't be avoided; I will be the same # of weeks along as I was with #1 when I gave birth to her. While I know every pregnancy is different I am very scared she will be born while DH is away, and I will be alone with DD#1. ( We're military and no family around, but friends.)

   Anywyas mom said she is coming out to help me with #1 while DH is away, which I'm grateful for...it does excite me a little, and kind of puts my mind at ease as this pregnancy has been very hard on my body and its very hard to care for #1 on my own. However, i KNOW my mother will drink and throw it in my face that I " couldn't take care of DD#1 by myself adn she had to come out here to take care of me and yadda yadda yadda.." I already have a hard time accepting help and inconveniencing people, and her hurtful comments that I know she'll make will send me into tears at this point....how do I deal with this? I really don't want to deal with this, but I also don't want to be alone at that point in my pregnancy and need help with my daughter while my husband is away....so needless to say I'm kind of apprehensive about her arrival.

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Re: NBR:How do you deal with your mother?

  • rohansmomrohansmom member
    Is there a friend who could help out instead?Are you on base?
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  • jodifergjodiferg
    Are you my long, lost sister?  I think we may share the same mother!  I just have to have a very "fake" relationship with my mother. I don't trust her, I don't believe anything she says, and I certainly don't trust her with my kids. Are you sure she wouldn't add more stress? Not sure if it would be worth the extra "help" to me.
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  • blushadoblushado
    Can you talk with her openly about your concerns?  Tell her you are excited and relieved that she is coming to help but also worry that it might be stressful and you don't want this to end badly?  Sometimes people will work extra hard to disprove any assumptions you are making...if they know what those assumptions are, that is.  Good luck.  Sounds like a tricky situation. 
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  • wmthorpe0815wmthorpe0815
    I have a troublesome relationship with my mother too. to be honest she would be the last one on my list to ask for help from. Find a friend to help. you dont need her making you feel bad. Im sorry its like that I know how it feels. Ask her not to come or not drink plain and simple. She shouldnt be drinking around your daughter anyways.
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  • NewMama2010NewMama2010

    I'm so sorry to hear that. I have a very awkward relationship with my mother and I'm dreading her visit out here when LO is born. We are also military and far from home, and she has a plane ticket booked for a couple of weeks after my due date.

    Although my mom is not an alcoholic, she does have some issues. It's really hard to explain unless you know her, but she is extremely difficult and loves to push my buttons. She also throws herself pity parties all the time and seems to think everyone is out to get her. I get anxiety just thinking about her coming here. I can barely make it through a phone call with her without her hanging up on me or me crying. It's extremely stressful. I don't know how it's going to be having her stay in our house for a week.

    I guess I really don't have any advice for you- I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I hope it all works out for you!

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  • Mrs.SyntaxMrs.Syntax member

    Wow, I am so sorry you're going through this.  I know it's impossible to reason with alcoholics by simply saying "Hey, don't lay this guilt trip on me, you're the one who offered to come here."  I'd also be worried about her taking care of DD #1 if she has a drinking problem. 

    How far away does she live from you?  Would she be staying with you or going to her own home at night?

     

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  • gypsywitchgypsywitch

    imagejodiferg:
    I just have to have a very "fake" relationship with my mother. I don't trust her, I don't believe anything she says, and I certainly don't trust her with my kids. Are you sure she wouldn't add more stress? Not sure if it would be worth the extra "help" to me.

      I keep a very surfacy relationship with my mom too, and also am not big on trust, and don't really trust her with my kids, I left her with DD#1 for maybe 4hrs after she was born and DH and I came home to my mom and my daugher in tears........I've never left her alone with her again. And I don't plan on leaving #1 alone with her while shes here, DD will go to daycare as normal, and I will goto work as normal but mom will be there to help with the hosue, and DD post work....We are not on base we live downtown, and we do have friends here, but all of their husbands are deployed too!! SO I feel horrible asking them to help me take care of my kid after they've been alone with their own all day long (they all SAH)....

      My mother lives in NC, we're currently in Idaho. So she will be staying with me. And if I do happen to have baby while she's here she will be coming with me to the hospital, and DD will stay with a friend.

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  • jodifergjodiferg
    Well, for what it's worth I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It's not fair that we don't get to have a normal relationship with our mothers due to their selfishness.  It definately make's you stronger, and let's you know what kind of mother you DON'T want to be.  Good luck and hopefully she will be on her best behavior! :)
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  • scubaspotscubaspot member

    I also have the same relationship with my step mom (she raised me) and I am choosing not to have her visit if DH isn't going to be readily available. It just isn't happening.

    Could your MIL come down instead or do you have a close friend that is willing to help you out? 

    I personally cannot deal with my step mother on my own and will not subject myself to that. It would be easier to deal with a toddler and a newborn than her.

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  • blissfully_caffeinatedblissfully_caffeinated

    Is it possible for her not to come out? You could find a teenager to be your helper after school or something like that. If I knew my mom was an alcoholic I would not allow her to visit unless she didn't drink. If she did, she'd be on the first flight home (or in a hotel - really I wouldn't care but she would have to be somewhere other than my house).

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