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Postpartum Depression
Is this PPD, plus Intro. (long)
Hi there. I can't believe I'm posting about this but here goes.?
My name is Nicole, and I have a gorgeous, healthy 9-month old daughter. When she was born, she had an unexpected stay in the NICU - long story, but in retrospect it wasn't that big of a deal, although at the time it seemed the end of the world that we couldn't bring her home right away. It was truly a blip on the radar (in the words of one of the NICU nurses). However, I had a really hard time letting go of the "what ifs" that could have happened. Of course, I realized that part of being a parent is letting go of the "what ifs" that could happen every single day - a realization which scared me beyond belief.?
On top of that, I had some serious baby blues. For weeks it seemed that around 4 or 5 PM every day I'd just be bawling. It got better, but then it got worse. I would get so angry, and so frustrated with my daughter. She is a high-energy baby, and now that she's moving around more on her own, she requires constant attention. All the things that babies are supposed to love she never cared for - the swing, the carseat, the stroller. Just the jumperoo, and then only for 10 minutes. She is beautiful and I am so incredibly thankful for her, but she is a handful. Getting her to nap practically requires an act of God. She can be a persnickety eater when she has her bottle. Sometimes I would throw things across the room, I'd be so angry and frustrated. I would never hurt her, but I thought about hurting myself all the time in a very offhand way that acknowledged I'd never do it. Even so, I had to lie to my OB at the PPD evaluation at my follow-up appointment.
Things got better around 6 or 7 months, and I thought, hey, I pulled myself up by those proverbial bootstraps. I still have little episodes - the latest about 45 minutes ago - where I get so frustrated, and feel like my life is over, and then start crying uncontrollably. Not every day, but maybe once a week.
Is this PPD? Or am I just a selfish, whining crier?
I can't help but feel that I have totally screwed up my life. I'm a lawyer but not working right now to be a SAHM. I feel like I am wasting my mind. The thought of going back to work and not being with her every second makes me nauseous. And yet-I feel like the hugest waste of space on the planet.?
This has not helped my relationship with my husband. If I am even blowing off steam in front of him, he gets all upset and says he wishes I wouldn't be so upset. He's not the one who deals with the lion's share of child care - he just swoops in for a half hour at a time and then goes back to work. He has no idea how overwhelming it can be. Most times I can barely remember why I married him in the first place. Ever since the baby, I haven't had loving feelings toward him. It doesn't help that he is a freelancer, so he is home all the time - I know most moms would love to have that, but really it's not a good thing.
I'll stop the sordid details there, but to sum up, I feel like a prisoner to my baby's whims with no escape mechanism. I'm not sure if this is PPD, if it could be helped by drugs, or what to say to a counselor. Mostly I just want to figure out how to be as even-keeled as I used to be. Am I just being selfish???
Thanks for reading if you got this far. Posting on a board is a big step for someone as private as me. Sorry to be a downer.?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Is this PPD, plus Intro. (long)
I don't have an answer for you on whether this is PPD or not for sure; I'm interested to see what other posters on here have to say about that because I often feel the same way as you describe. Just know for now that you are so not alone in your feelings! I feel the same way you do a ton of the time! I have worried about PPD but think since I have highs and blissful motherhood days also along with the eapecially frustrating ones that maybe this is just normal motherhood trials and tribulations? I get especially frustrated in the evenings when maybe I'm just getting overtired and baby girl is still going strong. Last night I was trying to get her to bed and actually chucked the flipping 'Runaway Bunny' book clear across the room because reading wasn't working to settle her down and I was so tired and frustrated. I would never hurt her and love having her in my life, but sometimes I do just have to set her down in her crib even if she's screaming and step out of the room to take some deep breaths and get myself together. DH is gone a lot and I feel like a single parent sometimes. And then when he is here, sometimes he seems like so little help that I almost wish he wasn't here so he wouldn't be in my way! Just hang in there, and please don't feel timid to talk to your doctor about this if you feel this down all the time. There is no shame in PPD and there is help for it!
I have no idea if this is possible in your field, but maybe you could find a way to work part time so you could still feel successful in your career and connected to the world outside of mommyhood? I have been struggling since baby was born to find the balance between my motherhood self and my former self, still working on that one...
I am sorry you are feeling this way. It is amazing how much having a baby completely, literally takes your old life away. I know there are still ways to salvage your "old life" but it really is never the same. The amount of time and energy a baby requires...it really blows my mind sometimes. I wonder, what did I used to do with all my free time?
It sounds like, first, you need to get out and away and have some time by yourself. Having a demanding baby means you are on-duty more or less every single minute she is awake, which must be exhausting. It doesn't sound like your DH is being much help, which probably helps explain your frustrated feelings toward him. I think you need to sit down and talk to him. Let him know that there are times where you need him to take over something so you can be by yourself. Even if he takes over putting her down for the night while you go and do something for yourself, it could be a huge help for you. Make sure you have a little time for yourself every single day or you will continue to go nuts.
Is working part-time a possibility? If you could afford to have a sitter or a nanny for a couple of hours a day, you could maybe take a part-time job or even do some volunteer work just to get out of the house and get some adult interaction. I find that I am so much more patient when DD is trying if I have had adult interaction at some point. Otherwise I just feel babied out.
Also, it does sound like the issues you were having earlier were PPD-- especially the breaking down, etc. Ask yourself-- do you feel depressed? Do you feel sad, or lonely, or like you just can't find the energy to take care of necessary, everyday tasks? Do you find yourself resenting the toll that having a baby is having on you? There is no harm in seeing a doctor to ask. Even a small dose of an anti-depressant or an anti-anxiety med could help calm things down a little so you don't feel as overwhelmed.
I am sorry you are going through this. Amazing how one little baby can throw a life out of whack, huh?
i think you already know the answer, you said so yourself that you lied at your PPD evaluation. You're not selfish. I found it very difficult to go from working to staying home (even just for maternity leave) and after i returned to work i subsequently lost my job a few months later. I also really struggled to maintain my independence while a young person was so dependent on me.
I think you'd really benefit from talking to a therapist about all the feelings you have and get some feedback from a neutral party to help you sort everything out. i did therapy, and meds because i felt like i needed it. you can always try something, and discontinue or change it if it's not meeting your needs.
IMO, it sounds like being a SAHM is not working out for you the way you anticipated. I had the exact same experience. I thought i wanted it, my whole life, and when i got there, i really wanted to be back at work. There is nothing wrong with that. I will also add that the first year was pretty much awful, and i didn't enjoy very much of it, but things are much better now because i realized i enjoy toddlers way more than babies. it does get easier.
I agree with speedracer on all points. It sounds PPD to me and meds, therapy or any combination of them might help you. I'm down to the lowest dose of my meds and still feeling much better (I've had depression for years and got hit with PPD very quickly).
Use that half hour your hubby takes the baby to go somewhere (take longer if you can but even that will usually give you a breather). It helps more (for me at least) if I'm not around to lean on when he wants to give her back...
Good Luck!
I'm not sure if you have PPD, but I think that you should get some help. I think I had the baby blues when Jacob was first born. But then after a couple of months, I realized what a high-maintenance baby he is. He has severe reflux and because of that - feeding him a bottle is a real challenge. We get through each day, but there were certainly days where I felt very trapped. I would yell and throw and punch things. I would never hurt him, but I was still very unhappy.
I made the decision to get some professional help. I am on Lexapro now and doing great. I realized that he wasn't going to change from being the baby that he is, so I needed to change my reaction to him.
Good luck! Its a big step to admit that you don't like how things are going and want to make a change. I hope you're able to make that change!