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Parenting
Do you lie to family if you don't want to attend a family function?
In-laws have TONS of things going on all the time, and we are getting tired of feeling like we have to try to attend everything. They don't necessarily get mad if we don't go, but they ask for an explanation, which is just as annoying. I mean, I have a family too....I would like to see my Mom and relatives and not spend all my time with the in-laws. Furthermore, DH works every other weekend. I'll be damned if I am going to give up his weekends off to spend at functions with the in-laws all the time.
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Re: Do you lie to family if you don't want to attend a family function?
No, we don't lie.
We usually make an effort to attend all family functions, but if something comes up that isn't very important and we just don't want to go, we simply say we were looking forward to a quiet weekend or that we have other plans or whatever is the reason is that we aren't going to be there.
I try to never lie. I'm not trying to sound holier than thou (really!). I just feel it complicates everything and its not worth it. If I'm doing something I feel I need to lie about, then I usually find I need to rethink what I'm doing. In your case, you may find it liberating to just be honest and say you can't do all these things!
I forgot about this. If I'm remembering things correctly, its pretty recent that you've started to mend things. How can you already be burned out on doing things with them? Maybe they are just inviting you to a lot of things because they've missed you and are trying to make up for lost time?
Well, they could be overwhelming them with everything all.at.once.
Also, if they are the douchebags that they seem to be, I would make the time i spent with them as minimal as possible.
I agree--I started thinking maybe I was mixing people up. Don't rush into things. We were estranged from the ILs and when we started seeing them again, it was pretty slow at first. It got too much at one point, and we had to back off--I had a lot of resentment and just couldn't handle it. If you're trying to patch things up, you need to be up front about that and set limits.
If they're willing to work on things, they should be willing to agree to that. Overload will just make things happen again. We had tried several times to patch things up over the years with the ILs and the major explosions just kept happening. I finally made it clear what was expected and that it wasn't negotiable. I honestly don't know if they changed because they knew it was the only way to get to know their grandchildren, or if they're sincere, but in the end--I take it at face value. They're being respectful of us, and I'm not reading into it to see if it's fake or not. But they know our expectations, and they know that failing to meet those is a dealbreaker--we can't continue to get hurt over and over and over.
You've got to set boundaries, and you need to be very honest about it, but then just put the past in the past and focus on the present and future.
With my family, no. Everyone is pretty understanding no matter what the situation. Even if it's just a "the kids won't be able to handle that" they're cool.
DH's family, well...... we tell his mother whether we'll be going to gatherings or not, and have told her that if she wants to lie about why or tell the truth, that's entirely up to her. We usually just keep it at "nope, we can't come, sorry" and that's about it.