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Pregnant after a Loss
I have a dilemma ladies (NBR) (long)
So lots of you are super close to your moms, and this may be hard to comprehend, but I really don't like mine at all. I mean, I love her in the she's--my-mom-I-should-love-her kind of way, but she gets on my nerves to the point where I don't want to spend any time with her.
Long story short, she is: selfish, immature, overly dramatic, overly sensitive, and very very needy. She's like a little kid. Growing up I even knew I was more mature than she was. My 2 brothers have these issues with her too, it's not just me, but as the only daughter she seems to require more out of me than them. She doesn't listen, has terrible social skills, pouts, gives people the silent treatment when she's mad, and tells everyone in my family every single thing I tell her.
She was super in my face the whole time I was pregnant. She was so excited to have a baby around (although I know once that baby gets older, she won't really care anymore). She cares so much what others think of her, she wants her family to look "perfect" and to get to show off her grandchild. This is fairly normal I know, but she takes it to the extreme.
After my loss it was all about her. I couldn't even talk to her about it the first couple days, she would just sob hysterically rather than offer any kind of strength or support. My cousin had a baby shower a few weeks later and she told me I shouldn't come because it would "make other people sad." Yeah.
I always wished I had a closer relationship with her, but we are so opposite and she so obviously doesn't get it that I don't care anymore. I have tried to talk to her about all of it but nothing ever changes.
Anyway, I don't know how to deal with her anymore. I want to be the bigger person and ignore it, but now that I'm pregnant again I am dreading telling her. She is constantly begging me to come over and visit, and it's just going to be worse now. WWYD?
BFP #1- 1/16/09- Baby Ava stillborn at 32 weeks, possible cord accident, 7/30/09
BFP #2- 1/5/10- Baby Jack born at 37w2d, 6lbs 13 oz, 8/24/10
BFP #3- 7/30/11- Baby Boy Due April 3, 2012
BFP #2- 1/5/10- Baby Jack born at 37w2d, 6lbs 13 oz, 8/24/10
BFP #3- 7/30/11- Baby Boy Due April 3, 2012
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I have a dilemma ladies (NBR) (long)
Wow. Are you my long lost sister? I am in the exact same situation. My mom is seriously not a nice person. (ex. my 16yo brother was just in the hospital for a week for anxiety related resting tremors due to her erratic and selfish behavior and she wanted everyone to thing she was the "perfect mom", so she stayed with him the whole week and when they couldn't find the cause they sent her home and he was fine.)
Needless to say after the many stunts she has pulled in the past and the numerous chances we have given her, we have all (as a family) decided that having her in our lives is not worth the pain she causes. That may sound harsh, but it has probably been the hardest decision I've ever made. It makes me tear up thinking that she won't be there to see her grandchildren grow up, but if I can save my children from half the pain she has caused my brothers and myself, then I can live with that.
I hope that it doesn't come to that with you and your mom, but that is where I am. It has only been a few weeks, but I am feeling a little more optimistic about the quality of life we will have without her selfish behavior.
I wish you the best of luck for a healthy relationship with your mom -- I know how important it is and how hard it is to live without.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
I am sorry you and your mom aren't that close. My mom and I are close. When they couldn't find a heartbeat, she was the one at the appt with me since DH was working out of state. She didn't really have consoling words, all she could do was cry. I think she cried out of seeing her child in pain and not for appearances. Hopefully, you can tell her how you feel and she will try to be understanding...
((Hugs))
Wow. I'm so sorry you have to go through that with your mom. That sucks.
I don't have a great relationship w/ mine either, but it doesn't sound like quite the same as yours. I keep hoping that mine will be different "next time" and she never is and always manages to let me down. It's gotten better over the years because I realize more and more over time that she is not going to change and she is who she is, so I have to love her for just who she is, even though that sadly, limits my love and our relationship.
As far as when to tell your mom (I think that's what you're asking) I would do it when you feel comfortable. How far along are you now? How late was your loss? Maybe wait until after you've passed the point of your loss? If you can't do that or can't hide it from her, I'd just go ahead and tell her, but know she won't act any differently and don't get your hopes up that it will change. Also, I'm sure you'll be able to anticipate how she'll act and react, so maybe play through a couple of those scenarios and think about them before you tell her,so you're prepared.
Learning to not get my hopes up with my mom has really helped.
Good luck and hang in there and know that because of this experience you'll probably have a VERY different relationship with your LO and be THANKFUL for that.
I wish I could- I am 8 weeks about now and my loss was at 32 weeks... so yeah, can't really hide it that long. I think I just need to establish some boundaries early on, but she guilt trips me so much that I always give in.
BFP #2- 1/5/10- Baby Jack born at 37w2d, 6lbs 13 oz, 8/24/10
BFP #3- 7/30/11- Baby Boy Due April 3, 2012
That is rough. I wonder sometimes if it will come to that with her. I love my dad and don't want him to be harmed by her behavior, so cutting her out completely is impossible, but I just wish she would understand that I want her to leave me alone.
BFP #2- 1/5/10- Baby Jack born at 37w2d, 6lbs 13 oz, 8/24/10
BFP #3- 7/30/11- Baby Boy Due April 3, 2012
I see. I think setting ground rules then is a good thing, but also be prepared and guard your own feelings b/c it might not go that way. Can your DH help be your back up when you feel like she might guilt trip you or is starting to? Or, maybe if it comes to that point, say "Mom, as we discussed before, if you do X, then I will do Y (distance her, not talk to her, etc.)"
It does sound like a really hard situation, but I think distancing yourself emotionally (w/o really letting on) might be helpful... especially if your DH or someone else can support you when it's tough.
That is totally understandable. My mom has been married 3 times and her behavior has caused all 3 to end in divorce. I hope your mom will understand what you need and will respect that.
The best advice I can give is stand your ground. If necessary maybe include your dad and not your mom a couple of times and perhaps she will "get" it. Let her know you will not stand for her behavior.
GL!
That is nice. I'm starting to wish I hadn't moved back to my hometown last year. It was so much easier to avoid this when I was gone. It's like she thinks that now that I live here, she should see me all the time, because that's what other people would expect. When I lived an hour away she never bothered to come visit or really even call.
BFP #2- 1/5/10- Baby Jack born at 37w2d, 6lbs 13 oz, 8/24/10
BFP #3- 7/30/11- Baby Boy Due April 3, 2012
She sounds like my MIL. After we lost the boys, she actually told us we needed to come over and cheer her up. She then faked a suicide attempt, because her life was so horrible. It is always about her.
I dreaded telling her I was pregnant again, but DH wanted to tell his dad (who is actually pretty normal). We told them, and again she made it all about her. She started sobbing and fell on the floor. She then lectured me about not being able to handle another disappointment and I should try harder this time. Overall, we both wish we had waited another month or eight. We finally told her that we were ignoring this baby, and didn't want to talk about it. If there was news we would tell her, and officially we are going by no news is good news. So far it has worked. If she does call, I usually remind her that we don't want to talk about it. I am sorry you are dealing with this.... it really sucks. Big hugs dear.
9/13/09-Twin boys born at 23 weeks due to Pprom.
Ethan and Jacob-our beautiful angel babies lived for 11 minutes and 23 hours.
Single embryo FET 12/2009-BFP! Blake born 8/2010 at 39 weeks after 36 hours of labor and an emergency c section < IVF 2- BPF! Due April 27th Our Story