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Attachment Parenting
webMistress0609
member
Gentle Discipline w/ a Preteen (long)
webMistress0609
member
Some backstory - I have an 11 year old SD. She's an extremely well behaved kid. There's obviously bumps in the road here & there, but overall I consider myself lucky to be blessed with such a good kid.
Two problems -
1. Her mother moved back in w/ her parents last year. There is a different set of rules than what we have at our house & what her mother usually enforces. SD is allowed to get away with back talking, no responsibilities for household chores or even picking up after herself, absolutely disgusting table manners, etc. Usually there's a slightly different set of rules between Mom's house & our house, & she adjusts, but it's two extremes now. She's with us 50-80% of the time, & let's just say if she's been @ mom's for more than 2 days, it takes days to adjust back.
2. SD has always tested my authority a bit. I rarely have to correct her & never raise my voice. But there are many times where I've said something like "can you please pick up "x" when you are finished?" or whatever & she'll just ignore it, whereas she doesn't do this with DH. Of course some of that is totally normal since I'm stepmom.
Our issue right now is that the problem with her ignoring me is getting out of hand. We go through phases with this & normally do a combo of riding it out & having DH address it. But some of the problems directly affect the safety of Ari, so we can't let it slide. For example, last night some rollerskates we ordered for her arrived. She came into Ari's room while I was playing with him to open the box. Ari immediately crawled over to inspect. She places a pair of scissors on the floor that he reached for. I told her she could not leave them on the floor. She just looked at me. I picked Ari up & redirected him & she starts placing the contents of the box on the floor, which included several items that were choking hazards, plastic bags, etc. I told her again to please remove the items from the floor while redirecting Ari again, & now he's getting mad b/c he wants to see what big sister is doing. She ignores me again. Each time I explained that she could not expect Ari to just stay clear, he was too young to understand that & he's into exploring everything. If she wants to join us, fine, but keep the stuff out of reach. It's up to us to keep him safe & the house babyproofed. After 3 or 4 more requests I basically asked her to get her stuff & leave the room, & she stormed off.
For one thing, neither DH or I have time to pick up after her, & she's old enough to do it herself. The house constantly looks like a bomb full of her stuff just blew up. Second, the whole issue with babyproofing - I don't expect her room to be top notch babyproofed, but constantly leaving items that are dangerous or can be broken out is not acceptable, & ignoring repeated requests to pick them up isn't cool either.
I'm also concerned that by constantly having DH have to come in behind me to be enforcer, it's perpetuating the "ignore stepmom" issue. I think for big things he should be the enforcer, but simple things like "please don't leave a plastic bag on the floor of your brother's room" are different. DH is a terrible enforcer anyway.
I was thinking a way to handle this recent issue would be to have an impromptu family discussion about babyproofing. Kind of like "here's what the plan is, do you have any suggestions" type of conversation. Maybe if she feels like she's part of the solution?
What else do you all think we could do?
ETA: I should have been a bit more clear - when I asked her the first 2 times to remove the items from the floor, I asked her if she could unpack the box up on his dresser to keep it out of his reach but that way we could still check out the new skates.
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Re: Gentle Discipline w/ a Preteen (long)
What if things that are left on the floor get taken away? For example, in the situation you describe, the rollerskates could have been taken away for 3 days because she wasn't listening. Or every evening after she goes to bed you or your DH walk through the house and anything left on the floor (or in Ari's reach) gets taken away from her for 3 days. I know it gives you one more thing to do, but if you walk through the house with a laundry basket and just pick up everything that doesn't belong, it shouldn't take that long. And it would make a point when she wants to wear her favorite sweater, but she can't because she can't be bothered to put it away.
I have no idea if this is the best tactic with an 11 year old, but it seems like a good use of "natural consequences" and it allows you to focus on the most egregious part of the problem so you don't have to consider "a punishment" for every time she talks back or acts like a teenager. I would think you would want to pick you battles, and IMO the ones related to safety should always be on the top of the list.
You had the opportunity to redirect your SD. "Sweetie, I'm so excited to see your new rollerskates--let's go open them in the kitchen where we're closer to the garbage."
She's 11 and was really excited. You didn't acknowledge this and made it all about your bio son's safety. I'm not denying that some of that concern wasn't real, but it didn't take your SD's feelings into consideration. This can't be easy for her--Mom's unstable and Dad has a new baby.
I wouldn't make the picking up about Ari, because I wouldn't want to fuel sibling rivalry. Just make it about picking up. Put together a chores chart and reward system.
I did actually. I told her she could put the box and scissors on top of his dresser while she opened it up, because I knew she was excited. I should have stated that in the OP.
honestly, I've been a preteen with a step mom (my dad remarried when I was ten and we moved in with my step mom and her two kids.) She's a girl and a preteen and truly, anything that comes out of your mouth, she's probably going to resent it and resent you for acting like her mom.
I'd try to do things with her without Ari, try to make her feel like she's not being replaced by your son with her dad, you know? And try as much as possible not to take it personally. It's such a hard and confusing time in her life and you're just the easiest target (which doesn't make it right, of course.)
j+k+m+e | running with needles
So true! That's why we're trying to handle this as delicately as possible. Finding the balance between "you need to listen to your stepmom/stepmom is disciplining too much" is hard sometimes.