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Really need a pep talk (vent or something)
I had a meeting with DS's preschool teacher today (regular, private preschool, not an IEP meeting). It was so hard and I've been replaying it all day. Basically he is doing awesome with the exception of the social stuff. However, one observation on the social killed me. She was talking about how the kids in his class always try to play with him and include him. A couple of the girls really "mother" him and always try to get him to play and I guess one of them even defended him and said something like "DS doesn't understand" to one of the other kids. I know the point of the comment was how compassionate and inclusive the other kids are being, but I literally felt like the air had been punched out of me. I know kids are going to know he's different, I just wasn't mentally prepared to hear that they already do.
The social stuff terrifies me. From my own experience it can be the difference between the kid that stays and school and the one that drops out. I feel like social skills are tough for a lot of typical kids and we are so far behind. Our life up until now plays such a factor. We have moved all over the world (moving every year since DS was born) and now live in a city where we only know a handful of people superficially. It's so, so hard to meet people, figure out the schooling/therapy needs, doctors, etc. with each move. I'm not shy and have never had problems meeting people, but its just so hard with the 2 kids and all of DS's stuff to find friends. Speaking of DS #2, he STILL isn't talking at 23 months and its freaking me out. We've had evaluations with EI and he's getting speech, but now I'm really starting to worry. Its not the same beast as with DS#1 (he's very social) but something is starting to nag at me.
My DH works a lot and I know he HAS to (I used to work in the same field). He is an awesome dad. He is totally supportive of the diagnosis and the treatment. However, at the end of the day, he's not at the IEP meetings, doctors visits, school meetings, etc. He isn't good about reading books or websights, so although he supports my decisions (read: blind faith) he isn't exactly coming from an educated opinion. I feel so much pressure to make the "right" decision and feel very alone in the responsibility. We both know the issue but can't find any more hours in the day.
To top it all off, DS's ear tubes go in on Thurs. and I've been yelling entirely too much this week and all it does is make me feel like crap. DH is on a work trip until tomorrow night, so its the mommy-show all the time. I know we are blessed our guys have been so healthy and that we can provide for them, but I'm pretty emotionally tapped out right now. I know I'm at rock bottom because I don't even want to talk about it with DH or our friends because it just feels helpless.
Advice, commiseration, a good ole-fashion "buck-up", would all be appreciated.
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Re: Really need a pep talk (vent or something)
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time! I feel overwhelmed like this too. Its so hard when you don't have anyone to talk to about it all. I feel the same with my husband and his work - it keeps him so busy and I get annoyed and very snappy. Its a bad cycle. If you ever need to talk feel free to email me - I'm staying at home now and I'm on the internet more than any one human should be - mostly because of sleep deprivation
My email is angela.cantrell@hotmail.com
It will get better!!!
I'm sorry you are having a tough time, and I really feel for what you are going through, particularly on the DH point. DH generally goes along with whatever I suggest, but I tend to be the one doing all the research, calling therapists, getting recommendations, etc. And as for reading things -- not so much. Quick story before I have to do some work at work -- we had a home visit with DS's preschool teach to talk about his progress, and we got to talking about how to better prepare Zach for my upcoming hospitalization and the new baby coming home. She suggested social stories, and we got into a discussion about whether Zach was old enough, topics to cover, etc. DH was sitting right there, and I'm pretty sure he had NO idea whatsoever what we were talking about. (And the nice part is that Zach's teacher told me she would make them for us once we solidify our plan.)
Thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies. A lot of deep breathing, a little sleep, and my body weight in caffeine and hopefully today will be a better day. Anyone a Nemo fan? "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming,..."
Auntie - Special thanks to you for the validation. Its nice to know I'm not just being a wimp/silly/insane. I'm working on the friend thing for me. I went to the AS meeting last month and to their morning coffee a couple of weeks ago and met some really nice women and joined their local mommy board. It just takes time to build those relationships to anything past, "hi, how are you?" After 4 new cities in 5 years I'm just sort of sick of meeting new people. Its like dating - you have to scope out someone you think you might like, frequently make the first move, etc.
Even though we've lived in Charlotte a year, we've only been in our house since Sept. or so. I think it will be easier to meet people once its warm too at the pool and playground. I did recently meet a mom in our neighborhood through someone I sort of know at Gymboree. I'm also trying to work up the nerve to invite over one of the boys in my DS's class. Charlotte is harder than a lot of bigger cities. In bigger cities their or more transient people so its easier for new people. I also try not to lead with "hi, I'm going insane." I save that for the internet.
I know the social piece for DS is going to be the hard bit. Intellectually and with most of his self-help skills he's right on target. His teacher says that he's actually ahead of most of the other boys on his letters and writing his name. I should have a better idea about his speech after I get his testing back next week. In general though, its the social bit of his speech that is the problem. Luckily, he doesn't seem to have any ticks or peculiar behaviors (at least right now), but its a 50/50 shot on the tantrums when he's forced to have strange kids around. I feel like a lot of his "play" is pretty immature for his age.
He can be quite anxious around others, particularly kids. I see him try to play with his younger brother and he just doesn't know how, but he WANTS to. They love to chase each other. Unfortunately, it usually ends up with a lot of pushing and shoving. It's very hard to encourage the want, while trying to keep everyone safe and show the appropriate way to play. Exactly what you described is why the social piece terrifies me. His teacher says his parallel play has greatly improved and he will sometimes now watch the other kids and at least do the same thing they are doing, which makes modeling easier. I just find it hard to find teaching situations, but I'm hoping we get into the integrated preschool next year. Its 2 special needs children with typical students and they always have a sp. ed. teacher to work on the social and speech.
I know the moving didn't cause the social issues, but it does make it harder until we find friends he's used to, get to see them in a place that is familiar, etc. Moving houses is hard on him too because it takes away his safe place. He still calls this house "new house". There isn't a lot we can do about it, but for a child that craves routine and sameness, our lifestyle has been crap. The poor kid still calls french fries "chips" and cookies "biscuits". Just doesn't help my guilt, but if it wasn't this I'm sure I find something else.