Attachment Parenting
Mourning and AP
I have lost my dad on monday after a long sickness and its really hard for me to find time and space to mourn my loss. We flew to Germany two weeks ago, but he was already in a coma and I spent every day at the ICU while my DH and DD were waiting downstairs. 6 differnt hotels, 2500 km by car, a trip from hell. But my DD so clingy because she feels something is wrong and will not accept to be held by a different person. Also, with being back in the US for a few days now, we are all jetlagged and she wakes up every morning at 3:30am and the night is over - she screams for hours, nothing will soothe her. Any suggestions? Its so hard to deal with life, baby and my loss at the same time...
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Re: Mourning and AP
Sorry for your loss mama.
I wish I had some good advice - would it be possible for you to get away for an afternoon and just find a peaceful place to think?
The other thing I can think of would be to take some long walks with DD - maybe somewhere quiet and calm. I know getting out for fresh air works wonders when I'm feeling stressed and it might help your DD too.
T&P for you and your family.
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I'm so sorry for your loss and the very difficult time you are going through. You need to take some time and space for yourself to mourn. Your DD might not love it but it will not hurt her to spend some time with her dad or a sitter. Can you find some time during the day to be alone, take a walk, write in a journal, or do whatever you need to grieve for a bit?
My older brother killed himself this summer several days before my son was born. I found it immensely difficult to mourn, care for DD, and prepare for the birth of my son. I dropped DD off with a close friend one day and took a long walk, had DH spend some time with her while I just cried by myself. It helped.
Best to you in this difficult time.
this is exactly what i was thinking. perhaps she is the love & support you need right now?
I'm so sorry for your loss.
This might be a really "out there" suggestion, but have you considered looking into a postpartum doula? I know you're not exactly in your postpartum period, but we had an amazing pp doula who was really helpful precisely because we had no family in the area. She made space for my husband and I to deal with traumatic pregnancy and birth, along with postpartum difficulties, while not stepping on our toes with parenting practices - she made space for us to take care of ourselves AND our new baby.
Or, if you don't want to hire a stranger, perhaps you could find a friend or two who would help you make that space by taking your DD away for a little while a few times a week or something?
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Major hugs to you.
I lost my mom, my best friend in the world, when Leo was 2 weeks old. It was so hard because there were some days I just didn't want to be a mom, much less an AP mom. I just wanted to lay in bed and cry and grieve and be alone. But at the same time, being with Leo all the time gave me a sense of peace and kept me busy and kept me from going nuts with grief.
Sounds like maybe your DD is feeling your stress and sadness and it's affecting her, too. Not sure how to remedy that, but I know that seeing a therapist and trying a low-dose antidepressant did help me quite a bit in the beginning with keeping my cool and staying calm, especially when I was up ALL night with a refluxy baby and bleeding nipples. Maybe that's an option for you?
Can you take at least a few hours one evening and get out by yourself, even if it's just to go upstairs, take a long bath and have a good cry?
I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have much in the way of advice, but I wanted to express my sympathy. My father is battling cancer right now, and as of last week is officially in Hospice care.
It sucks. I know how hard it is to try to balance the needs of your child with your need to BE the child and be there for a sick parent.
I guess, and this is a guess because I haven't BTDT yet, you could try just sitting down with DD when you're calm and explain to her that her grandpa is up in heaven (assuming that's part of your belief system) and that you miss him very much, and when someone we love goes away, it makes us sad. But that you love her very, very much, and you know it's been a very stressful time, and you hope everything gets back to normal soon. Yeah, she doesn't understand it, but perhaps acknowledging to her that you realize that her world has been turned upside down too will help. I agree with the PP that perhaps some long walks with DD in the stroller during the day might help soothe her and give you some time to think and have some peace and quiet. Don't forget too to rely on your DH. AP isn't just about you doing all the work. It's also about her forming a secure attachment with her dad too, so let him be there for DD right now too.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I went through this just last year. We watched my dad die of a stage 4 brain cancer that was particularly nasty. I was juggling school, work, being a momma and being at the hospital as often as possible. most nights we'd eat tim hortons in the hospital while visiting him.I was exhausted. Try as I might I felt cut in two trying to deal with everything. Guilty about having Jo at the hospital so much, guilty whenever I was home.
It was hard. I will say that the grief has been more spread out than I thought. And because you are so busy being mom to a fairly high needs infant, it will catch up to you at the strangest of times. Jo has become the ultimate distraction for everyone and a good outlet for some of my tears. I found great comfort in her presence during that time and she's been our light through the first holidays without him.
Carry Kleenex. That's my only advice and cry when you feel like it. don't swallow it all the time and don't worryabout letting your little one see you sad. Go easy on yourself. Prepare, even months later, for random weeping and some heavy flashbacks. Also, be prepared for your child's milestones to bring some difficult times as well.
It is ok. It continues to be ok and I'm doing great. Hang in there and PM me if you need anything.