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i do NOT UNDERSTAND ""hands-off"" fathers.

Miss.ModularMiss.Modular member
in Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months

and i use that phrase loosely.   for example, someone , somewhere else, said this about their husband not helping out, and how they are able to get him a bit more 'involved'   my favorite parts are in bold!:

 

 I asked him to do an hour a day too and 4 on the weekends.  At first he agreed and the third day when DS was having a meltdown, he said he didn't want his hour of taking care of DS to be when he is crying!  I asked him what he thought was a reasonable amount of time then.  He couldn't give an answer and said he didn't want to be timed.

Well we had a few arguments and what has helped honestly is to think of DH as if he were my first child.  I have to give him a lot of praise and positive reinforcement when he plays with DS.

 

there is a sh;tload more where this came from, but, i will leave it at this for now!

discuss!

 

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Re: i do NOT UNDERSTAND ""hands-off"" fathers.

  • macchiattomacchiatto member
    Yikes!
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  • Mrs.McLovinMrs.McLovin member
    Indifferent
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  • VinBertVinBert member
    Apparently that chick is married to a very immature and irresponsible man.  Sad and too bad for her....  Maybe she enables him to behave that way and feel like taking care of his child is optional.
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  • chach916chach916
    I have friends whose husbands are like this.  I find it very sad.
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  • tmp-354536812503300tmp-354536812503300

    I do not understand hands off fathers either but I understand that there are hands off fathers that a lot of us mothers have to deal with and it's not an easy thing to do.

    You can't make a grown man do anything and it sucks to have to bargain and barter with the father of a child to get some help and partnership but that's the way it is sometimes. If asking, arguing, pleading, etc, etc don't work sometimes it might work to go the other way and just give praise for the actions that you're looking for when he actually does them.

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  • disbride061103disbride061103 member
    What I don't understand is the women who tolerate these "fathers".  How can you possibly stay married to someone like that?  A man who can't participate in an hour a day let alone ALL THE TIME?  Have some respect for yourself and tell your husband that parenting is not all the wife's job and that he helped make the baby and he needs to be a part of the child's life.
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  • LLB430LLB430 member

    I wouldn't have had a baby with a man than I even suspected would be like that.  My dh is such a help I couldn't imagine doing it on my own, well actually he left today to go out of town and am on my own til Friday so I can imagine.

    In all honesty if that is how a man is going to act I would rather not even have him around, it would likely only create more work.  

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  • alicatt79alicatt79 member

    I just think it's sad.  I feel bad for all of them.  You can really only speculate what kind of a parent your spouse will be before you have a child together.  I'm sure neither parent is happy and their child will pick up on it unless they come to some sort of resolution soon. 

     

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  • Momma.BrownMomma.Brown member

    yeah i am with you on this. this would never fly at our house. we truly try to split things 50/50 as much as possible around here. and whats more, dh does these things because he wants to, not because he is asked to.

    i dont get it either. 

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  • sunnygyrlsunnygyrl

    I don't understand how someone would marry a person if they knew they would be a "hands-off" father.

    Sure, maybe they didn't realize they wouldn't be interested in raising the child, but it was something that DH and I discussed every which way before we got our bfp.

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  • krys2729krys2729
    there really are a lot of facets unexplored with this "issue" in this particular situation.  for instance, the mother claims the father is "hands-off", but maybe she is just uber-controlling and he feels he can't just be a part of the family very easily.  since she is trying to "schedule" time with him and the baby, i would assume this is likely.  to have a family and have your child's father involved, everyone needs to foster a family type of relationship.  so maybe he feels left out.  and if he is saying he needs praise and a pat-on-the-back, well she should give it to him then.  because the kid is already here.  as a wife and a mother, if that is all she has to do to foster a relationship between her son and his father, well then do it.
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  • CrazeyJaneyRCrazeyJaneyR member

    Being a good Father doesn't always come natural for some men. For some, it is a learned behavior. In that kind of a situation, a woman has to teach the husband/father HOW to be a good Dad. Maybe the Father had no Father, no example of how to be, etc. He could have been beaten or worse, and has no idea how to connect with a child.

    ?

    I think a Mother that has to teach her husband this has a hard job ahead of her. Hopefully she can be strong enough to do it. ?

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  • kelbriankelbrian

    I think it's l-a-z-y parenting.

    And I also find it very, very sad. 

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  • trizzietrizzie member
    That would not be okay in our house.  I couldn't have a child with a man that is like that and in my opinion that is the type of thing you talk about before you get married and have kids.  Furthermore, it is the type of thing you pick up on while dating (especially if your friends have kids).  JMO.
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  • Bride2bMOBride2bMO member
    Who knows the whole story. If DH ever "timed" me for something I would resent him and whatever activity was being timed. I think it's sad that some dads aren't invested, of course. At the same time, I know my grandfathers never changed a single diaper and were probably very "hands off" through the baby years. Some fathers find their groove once the kids are a few years older, maybe? Regardless, I'm grateful for my very hands on husband, he's great!
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  • ToosdaiToosdai member
    My SIL and her husband have a very 'old school' parenting style - she is the primary caregiver to their children. He will pitch in when asked but it's definitely not a 50/50 split. He is the breadwinner in the family and she stays home.

    We had a convo once about a mutual friend who wanted to have more children and SIL suggested to the woman that he stop making her husband, 'Do so much' with their children. Apparently that is how SIL got her husband to agree to have four children.

    It's frustrating as hell to be around because she never gets a break. Luckily, DH and I split things 50/50 with our child.
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  • lanie30lanie30 member

    Ugh, I find those men completely unattractive. There is something about the way my husband handles anything and everything with Jo that makes melove him more.

    He's itching for time with her. He's never balked at changing a diaper, or giving her her baths. He loves her and he respects me.

    Thank god. I just wouldn't marry an uninterested man. 

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  • *blondiem**blondiem*

    imageToosdai:
    My SIL and her husband have a very 'old school' parenting style - she is the primary caregiver to their children. He will pitch in when asked but it's definitely not a 50/50 split. He is the breadwinner in the family and she stays home.

    In my 'circle', the lazy father is the one in a situation like the above. He is the breadwinner and she is the SAHM.

    Maybe it's coincidence? I don't know. 

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  • brandonsfuturewife07brandonsfuturewife07 member

    DH used to be that way.  to a degree.

    he always got up with me & DS in the middle of the night, changed a zillion poopies, etc. but after work?  he just wanted to "relax."

    i gave him a very large wake up call though.  huge. 

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  • DelGrecoBrideDelGrecoBride
    ugh...i agree with lanie. This makes a man totally unattractive. I love the fact that I can tell my DH im going to have coffee with a girlfriend and i don't have to go over every little detail of what Brock's schedule should be like while I'm gone.
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