NBR: DH didn't come home last night

StrawberryAlarmClock · January 2010

I know that crashing at his friend's house is better than driving home drunk and I'm so happy that neither of them drove, but DH didn't respond to my text at 1:45am. The only reason I know where he is, is because I sent a text to his friend at 2am who said they were drunk and crashing at his place. It's now 10:30am here and no call, text or sign of DH.

He's done this about a half dozen times since we've been together and every time I've told him that I worry all night long when I don't know where he is or when to expect him home. It tears up my nerves.

I'm so pissed that he is just not learning to make one simple call saying "We decided to crash here, I'll call you when I wake up." I would sleep so much better then.

Thanks for listening to me vent. Sad

kellyandjoelinchi · January 2010

Sorry about that! That really sucks and I know the feeling. He better be EXTRA sweet to you for the next few days to make up for it. What if you had needed to go to the hospital? I am trying to institute a no drinking rule for DH here now that I am 34 weeks just in case. We'll see how it goes...Good Luck.

VTFutureMrs · January 2010

I feel the same way! I get so mad at DH when he is out late and doesn't let me know when he'll be home. Sometimes with his job, he is driving from places hours away at early hours of the morning and I constantly worry about him getting into an accident. I hope you get a phone call or text soon!

Briellabella · January 2010

Sorry to hear that. The last thing you need is extra stress. Kick him good and hard in his butt when he gets home!

Fuzzy8252 · January 2010

Sorry to hear DH is being a jerk!!! Mine would be dead!!!

blancanyc69 · January 2010

I hated when my DH did that so I started to do it to him, iI'm not talking about just when I was hanging out with my girlfriends, even if I was just going to the mall or doing things during the day I wouldn't answer him back or would wait hours before answering him back. Let's just say he didn't like the worry feeling at all and now calls me if he's going to be late, when he's on his way home or anything like that.

Sometimes I think we have to teach them a lesson before they get it through their head. Like children...

StrawberryAlarmClock · January 2010

blancanyc69:

I hated when my DH did that so I started to do it to him, iI'm not talking about just when I was hanging out with my girlfriends, even if I was just going to the mall or doing things during the day I wouldn't answer him back or would wait hours before answering him back. Let's just say he didn't like the worry feeling at all and now calls me if he's going to be late, when he's on his way home or anything like that.

Sometimes I think we have to teach them a lesson before they get it through their head. Like children...

I considered this. Did you tell him this is what you were going to do or did you just start doing it? I'm not sure DH would put two and two together if I didn't say "I am going to show you how this feels for me"

meadorsc · January 2010

I'm sorry, I know that sucks and is super stressful! We dealt with that too for awhile - It never bothered me before I was pregnant, but once things needed to change I think what worked really well were my comments about "what if I went into labor and couldn't contact you.. or had another emergency situation?" He's such a good guy that was all it took...

He still goes out every couple of weeks but definitely checks in regularly now.

TXTwisterBabe · January 2010

Oh man if DH ever did that crap to me it'd be hell to pay. I'm really sorry he did that to you, you really don't need added stress.

archna · January 2010

I feel your pain. My DH got home at 9 am this morning- I didn't sleep till 3 am coz I was worried sick about him, and he didn't even feel the need to explain it to me. I'm giving him the cold shoulder this morning but I don't think he's even noticed. I've tried going out and not letting on where or how long I'm gonna be gone for. However, he doesn't seem to care about where I'm going.. He doesn't get worried because he just presumes I can take care of myself. Hope you don't have the same problem!

IrishBrideND · January 2010

Wow. I would be PISSED.

That being said, do not treat him like a child and do it back to him. Thats childish as well.

StrawberryAlarmClock · January 2010

IrishBrideND:

Wow. I would be PISSED.

That being said, do not treat him like a child and do it back to him. Thats childish as well.

True. I diont' want it to escalate. However, I've tried everything:

Joking: "Haha. If you don't come home again, I'll have to find myself another husband for the night."

Crying: "I get so scared and worried, I just want to know you're OK."

Angry: "I can't believe you don't respect me enouigh to make one phone call."

Calm: "Please understand that I do not suspect you of doing anything wrong, I just worry about you and a quick call or text is all I need."

I'm open to a new strategy....now if I could just figure one out.

XXLAURAF · January 2010

What a jerk..that would piss me off...I would probably go there

IrishBrideND · January 2010

StrawberryAlarmClock:
IrishBrideND:

Wow. I would be PISSED.

That being said, do not treat him like a child and do it back to him. Thats childish as well.

True. I diont' want it to escalate. However, I've tried everything:

Joking: "Haha. If you don't come home again, I'll have to find myself another husband for the night."

Crying: "I get so scared and worried, I just want to know you're OK."

Angry: "I can't believe you don't respect me enouigh to make one phone call."

Calm: "Please understand that I do not suspect you of doing anything wrong, I just worry about you and a quick call or text is all I need."

I'm open to a new strategy....now if I could just figure one out.

How about "i'm not comfortable with you going out if you can't do so responsibly?" I'm not saying forbid him to do so, but if he can't handle acting like an adult while out, then really he shouldn't be going out.

StrawberryAlarmClock · January 2010

IrishBrideND:
StrawberryAlarmClock:
IrishBrideND:

Wow. I would be PISSED.

That being said, do not treat him like a child and do it back to him. Thats childish as well.

True. I diont' want it to escalate. However, I've tried everything:

Joking: "Haha. If you don't come home again, I'll have to find myself another husband for the night."

Crying: "I get so scared and worried, I just want to know you're OK."

Angry: "I can't believe you don't respect me enouigh to make one phone call."

Calm: "Please understand that I do not suspect you of doing anything wrong, I just worry about you and a quick call or text is all I need."

I'm open to a new strategy....now if I could just figure one out.

How about "i'm not comfortable with you going out if you can't do so responsibly?" I'm not saying forbid him to do so, but if he can't handle acting like an adult while out, then really he shouldn't be going out.

I'll give that one a whirl. Thanks so much! Wish me luck. It's almost noon & no word yet.

tmp-527934375008843 · January 2010

That stinks. DH's father was killed in a car accident in the middle of the night so we are super sensitive to stuff like this...if I know I'm going to be late getting home I definitely let DH know, and vice versa. It's just the responsible, courteous thing to do for your spouse to avoid them pain and worry. I hope your DH gets it soon and grows up.

mariem0627 · January 2010

My DH does this crap all the time. He'll go over to his friend's house (that lives like a mile away) and ALL that I ask of him is to send me a text message letting me know that he is over there, so I KNOW that he's okay. Of course he has the memory of a rat, and constantly forgets. Another on going issue with mine is..his cell phone is ALWAYS dead, so of course the nights I wake up to pee at 1am and see he's not home, I try calling him and then his phone is dead. That makes me even MORE upset.. effing men, I swear.

sleepingbeauty825 · January 2010

Wow, you're so much cooler than I would be. I would flip my lid! I would prob be worried sick about my H, especially if I didn't know where he was. I can't believe you could get a hold of his friend and not him. That's just insane. I hope he realizes he shouldn't do things like this anymore once the baby comes. Maybe it to him that way? It's not like he can't go out occasionally, but he DEFINITELY can't be leaving you all night+the next day alone with no idea where he is, if he's safe, etc.

FemmeNat01 · January 2010

Wow. That would not fly here at all. Good luck trying a new method! I hope it works!

AmandaToo · January 2010

DH did that once - he was out until 4 AM with out of town friends staying with us and he couldn't hear his cell in the bar. (ha! maybe he was ignoring it? Anyway, I knew they all had to come back to our house anyway.) He has never done that again. I shouldn't have to tell him twice when I have legitimate reason to be worried or upset, I figure. I guess if my DH kept doing it, I would take it to mean he didn't feel my worry was legitimate and if that were the case, he better tell me that up front so our expectations are clear.

KristenBtobe · January 2010

Wow, that's super disrespectful and pretty immature. My husband wouldn't dream of doing this. Ever.

Aren't you concerned about this happening after your baby is born?

jacodi · January 2010

TXTwisterBabe:
Oh man if DH ever did that crap to me it'd be hell to pay. I'm really sorry he did that to you, you really don't need added stress.

xeleventybillion. DH did that maybe when we were DATING, but definitely not since living together and getting married (which is pushing 5 years).

stillblue · January 2010

StrawberryAlarmClock:
blancanyc69:

I hated when my DH did that so I started to do it to him, iI'm not talking about just when I was hanging out with my girlfriends, even if I was just going to the mall or doing things during the day I wouldn't answer him back or would wait hours before answering him back. Let's just say he didn't like the worry feeling at all and now calls me if he's going to be late, when he's on his way home or anything like that.

Sometimes I think we have to teach them a lesson before they get it through their head. Like children...

I considered this. Did you tell him this is what you were going to do or did you just start doing it? I'm not sure DH would put two and two together if I didn't say "I am going to show you how this feels for me"

A therapist once told me that you ahve to treat men like a puppy. Train them to do what you want ie: the above. Wink

Mrs.McLovin · January 2010

Put his pillow and some of his clothes on the front door step. He'll get the idea real quick when he comes home to that.

vanverth · January 2010

Tell him in plain simple language what you want and need from him and the relationship and then ask him what he wants and needs from the relationship. Do not make threats that you are not willing to follow up with. Make sure he is not hungover and you are not boiling mad. Neither condition will facilitate a open, loving exchange.

PS It is posts like this that make me appreciate my guy, he is 46 and we have been married 14 years. We are so past the drink late at night with our friends separately.

blissfully_caffeinated · January 2010

Wow! That was really inconsiderate of him. I would have a serious heart to heart with him about it. It would be nice for him to have sent a text message or something. You obviously don't mind if he does it so there's no reason why he shouldn't let you know so you don't have to worry!

Janie2725 · January 2010

Yea my husband did this last night too. Needless to say he will have no dinners, sex, or chores done for him this week. If he forgets about me for a night, I'm gonna forget about him for a week.

My vacation starts now.

FutureMrsLemon · January 2010

I feel your pain. DH did this to me once on Halloween. I was royally pissed. In no way is it okay for mine or any DH to go out with friends, get drunk, and then crash at a friends house without calling. TO make matters worse he wouldnt even answer his phone (because he didnt even take it with him!!). We had a serious conversation about it later. I am completely okay with him going out with friends and having a good time, but my rules are now that he must keep his phone on him at ALL times. And if he knows he is going to be extremely late then he needs to call or text me. I too was fine with him not driving home drunk (happy about it actually) but I need to know where he is and that he is okay. Communicaton is key here. Good luck!

Mac_n_Yak · January 2010

My DH used to do this stuff, but after one or two times that he didn't make it home from a bar or party and I made him promise that he wouldn't go out anymore if he could guarantee that he had a safe ride home. If he goes out and his safe ride home falls through...then he will call me and I will pick him up or get him a cab. There are always other options to not coming home and not calling. It's just disrespectful! My DH does still go out and I sleep much better knowing that we have this agreement. He feels less pressure from me being worried and I can relax and enjoy my alone time and drift off to sleep knowing he will be in bed next to me when I wake up. Maybe you can ask your DH for a similar agreement??

agdudley08 · February 2010

First off if DH ever did that I would be completely p!ssed! Second, I think I'm the only one who is almost never in a situation where I'm not out with my DH. Neither of us are big drinkers, but I have only once been in a situation where I couldn't make it home & I know he never has. I don't think either of us would dream of leaving the other one at home all evening and night to go out with friends drinking. Maybe it's because I work nights every other weekend, so when I'm off we spend almost all of our time together.

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