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Adoption
Offensive friend
So, I was just chatting with a male friend of mine. He's not married yet, but made some comment about needing to settle down and have kids eventually because he was the only one who could "carry on the family name" to give the family grandkids and great-grandkids. I said, don't you have a brother? He said, "He doesn't count, because he doesn't have our French Canadian genes. He's adopted, you know." My jaw dropped, so I attempted to get him to clarify this a little (hoping that he didn't mean it as bad as it first sounded), but he just dug himself more of a hole and tried to persuade me that his younger brother is not really his brother, and that his brother's kids wouldn't really be part of the family, since his brother is adopted. He actually told me that he doesn't really consider his brother to be his brother, because he's adopted.
I told him that was really offensive, and he couldn't fathom why it would be. It really makes me sad that he thinks that about his brother. My younger siblings are adopted, and I've never thought of them as anything other than my siblings. Sure, we're not genetically related, but we're still siblings... I feel so sorry for his younger brother.
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Re: Offensive friend
That's so sad and wrong!
That's just...messed up.
How did his parents never bash his head about this? Mine would have if it had been a cousin, let alone a brother.
(I mean, sometimes it is important...I've had the health history conversations w/ dad..."wait, didn't both Cousin C AND Cousin M have heart-attacks in their 30's? do I need to put thta on my medical paperwork?" "no" "but...that's not normal" "they're adopted, remember?" "why would I remember that?" "from when they came home..." "they're older than I am; I don't remember them coming home. In fact, I don't think I had any idea they were adopted" "oh. Well, it wasn't important. Except for the medical stuff" )
I'm certain that his mother *would* bash his head if she had heard him talking like that or knew he thought that about his brother.
On my dad's side of the family, there are 3 grandkids - me, and two cousins. We're all only children. One of the cousins and I were both adopted, so only one grandchild is a biological grandchild.
When my grandmother died, she left her entire estate to "her only grandchild" - the bio one. Apparently, she never thought of my other cousin or me as her grandchildren. FWIW, I was 25 when she passed away, and I'm the oldest of the grandchildren.
OMG. That's so sad and wrong!
I have a strong suspicion this type of thinking may be BECAUSE of his parents. Makes you wonder how differently the adopted child was treated growing up. . .
I think adoptive parents have a humongous impact on how children grow up to view their adopted siblings, so I bet this attitude permeates throughout their entire family. How sad.
I hope that our (hopefully) more enlightened awareness of this issue will make those of us adopting now (versus years ago when attitudes about adoption were quite different) much more sensitive to the lasting harm that this type of thinking engenders.
Ok, I'm going out on a limb here.. it is possible he was adopted much later in life and your friend was older and already out of the house? (not that it makes it better...)
My FIL had a sister who was adopted at the age of 13 but he was already out of the house and thousands of miles away, so he had a hard time "connecting" with her. Well she has since died, but no one keeps in touch with her kids. Their family is JUST fil and his bio sister (who never married and has no kids) and we never have family get togethers, but I always thought it was strange.
FIL loved this sister of his, but just never really knew her or her family.
oh my gosh!!!!! that is awful! I am so sorry, that must have made you feel terrible...
It's a fair question. As far as I know there is nothing more to the story.... My friend was 6 when his brother was adopted -- he wasn't older or out of the house. His brother was 6 months old when adopted, so they are 5.5 years apart in age. I've known the family for ages, and the adoptive mom has never treated her sons any differently that I know of (adoptive dad passed away years ago and I never met him). She's a great lady and loves both her sons very much. I strongly suspect that the mom doesn't know exactly how my friend feels toward his brother... she knows that they are not very close now that they are adults, but I doubt she knows the full story.
My guess is that he meant that his brother couldn't pass on the family genes.
This makes me flash back to DH saying that about himself (only child) when we first started discussing adoption. I reminded him that is parents had illnesses quite young and that he's balding with skin issues (not as bad as it sounds in writing) - I asked "are those the genes you're looking to pass on?"
So if that's what he meant and he's a perfect health specimen as is his family tree then maybe he is right (but what's the chance of that?)
That sucks...
I'm adopted (not adopting, just browsing posts). I had a cousin tell me once that my other cousin was her only one left and I said, "what about me?" she told me I didn't count because I wasn't her "real" cousin. We don't talk anymore... That was the only time anyone's ever said something like that to me and I was very very hurt.
what a heartbreaking post. one of the most hurtful things i've ever heard.
Now I'm all frightened someone will say something idiotic to my future child ! This is horrible the first story and the others that have been told ! Seriously what is this the middle ages passing on of "family name" like some royal clan or something ?! I mean yeah it's cool to have a name carry on, but really it lives on through other branches and it's all 6 degrees of separation anyway.