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Rant......(long sorry)

bohemianbeauty7bohemianbeauty7
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Ok, so I am so confused and upset right now. 

Recently, right after my 2nd miscarriage, one of my friends called me and told me that she was pregnant (BTW on the day I should have delivered my first baby).  I said something to the order of, "Yay! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you guys! Do you want a boy or a girl etc...." Then, life got busy for both parties included and I didn't see her again until Christmas.  At Christmas we went to a party and there was a big crowd. We greeted her when we arrived and kissed her and then got swept up in the party.  My friend's 13 year old niece was there, who has decided I'm cool (LOL), and was talking my ear off and next thing you know we're having to leave to fly out early in the morning to visit my parents.  I made a point to find her and say goodbye and give her a hug. Since then I have heard NOTHING from her. NO calls, NO texts, not even any activity on my FB page.  At first I thought it was because she was having bad morning sickness, but then I was looking at our mutual friend's page and realized that she has been posting on it every single stinking day.  Made me start wondering if something was up. Was she snubbing me for some reason? So I decided to be direct and ask her about it.  I got this email back that stunned me.  Basically it said that,  I was "rude" to her at Christmas and then that she wasn't really surprised because she had been getting a weird "vibe" from me ever since she told me that she was pg.  

WTF? I have done nothing but say congratulations and that I'm happy for them.  I have not done anything wrong here!

I replied said that I didn't really understand why she thought that and explained the circumstances of the night. I also said, if I did in fact give out a "vibe" could she understand why it would be a little bit uncomfortable for me to be around pg women since I'd just had a second miscarriage. And also that, that it doesn't mean I'm not happy for her. She basically said she doesn't have the emotional energy to "deal with me."

You know, I could understand if I had ACTUALLY been rude to her, but I wasn't. This whole thing is in her head.  And yeah, it's hard for me. If she'd ever been through it she would understand why. I can't control those feelings. Every time I see a pg person it reminds me of my two angels.  It's hard to deal with. I don't feel like I should have to apologize for that.  

I'm going crazy here ladies.  I've just lost a friend all because of some perceived "vibe" which is probably more likely based on some kind of unconscious guilt on her part.  

Where is the compassion here? She has barely ever mentioned my mc's and acts like they are no big deal.  I haven't talked about it to her or tried to make anything about me. I have knocked myself out going to her FB page and responding to her posts even though it tore me apart on the inside (due to all of the baby talk) so that she would know that I supported her.  But, we're not super close and I am not emotionally able to be a pg woman's number 1 champion right now (unless you count the ladies on TTCAL and Misc/PG loss!) . I just don't have enough emotional strength in me right now.  

 I am just so hurt. On top of everything else now this. 

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Re: Rant......(long sorry)

  • betizzle73betizzle73

    I am so, so sorry that you're having to deal with this "friend".

    Honestly, unless someone's experienced a loss (or lossES) as painful as we have, they just. don't. get it.

    I think that you've done everything possible to get the point across to this girl that you are nothing but happy for her. If she still doesn't have the emotional energy to "deal" with you, then F her. :) I mean seriously, YOU probably don't need to invest the emotional energy to "deal" with her, either. After everything you've been through, you need to focus on yourself, your family, and your friends that actually give a crap.

    Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've just had it up to *here* with being considerate of EVERYONE elses feelings, and not my own. I feel like we're all entitled to be a little bit selfish right now... and the people who don't understand, don't deserve to be in my life :)

     I hope this helps, and good luck with your friend! Hopefully she'll come around and you won't even have to worry about it or take any of my advice.

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  • kilissakilissa

    I'm sorry to say this, but that doesn't sound like a real friend.  She sounds selfish that it's only about her and her feelings.  What has she done for you as a friend?  Did she comfort you when you and a miscarriage either the first or the second time?  You have gone out of your way to be her friend and it sounds like she has done nothing but snub your intentions.

    My feeling is you don't need friends like this in your life.  Find friends that are worth the effort and invest your time there.  Good friends are hard to find, but so worth it.

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  • CatembCatemb
    Sorry that you have to deal with an insensitive friend on top of what you are going through.  You said in your post that you weren't that close to her... maybe it's time to cut your losses and focus on the people in your life that care about you as much as you care about them.
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  • MNdesignerMNdesigner member
    imagebetizzle73:

    I am so, so sorry that you're having to deal with this "friend".

    Honestly, unless someone's experienced a loss (or lossES) as painful as we have, they just. don't. get it.

    I think that you've done everything possible to get the point across to this girl that you are nothing but happy for her. If she still doesn't have the emotional energy to "deal" with you, then F her. :) I mean seriously, YOU probably don't need to invest the emotional energy to "deal" with her, either. After everything you've been through, you need to focus on yourself, your family, and your friends that actually give a crap.

    Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've just had it up to *here* with being considerate of EVERYONE elses feelings, and not my own. I feel like we're all entitled to be a little bit selfish right now... and the people who don't understand, don't deserve to be in my life :)

     I hope this helps, and good luck with your friend! Hopefully she'll come around and you won't even have to worry about it or take any of my advice.

     

    Yes  *cheers and applause*

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  • butterfly843butterfly843
    Sorry you have to deal with such an insensitive friend. Doesn't sound like she is much of a friend.

    Jenn

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  • bohemianbeauty7bohemianbeauty7
    Thank you so much ladies.  I think you're right that she's not much of a friend. No, she didn't help comfort me during my losses at ALL, nor did she celebrate with me when I was pregnant.  I find it difficult to understand why people have so little compassion, understanding or the imagination to try and conjure up what it must feel like to have been through what I have. I think you guys are so right. People don't understand unless they have been through it themselves. Thank you for backing me. It means a lot to me. 
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