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Attachment Parenting
acia
member
At the end of my rope and feeling resentful towards DH...
acia
member
This isn't really AP related, but I always find this board so supportive so I thought I'd post here...
DD has been going through a rough couple weeks. She's super fussy during the day, and requires almost constant holding and soothing just to keep her from melting down. She's never been a good napper, but now it's almost impossible to get her down for more than 30 minutes. At night she's been waking every hour, if not more, due to what appears to be gas pains (or maybe teething?). Anyways, long story short, I'm exhausted, worn out, at the end of my rope, and finding it really hard to be the good AP mom I strive to be.
DH is pretty busy right now, working on finishing his PhD and looking into job opportunities for next year. On a good day, he takes care of DD for maybe 30 minutes, and that's usually so I can prepare supper. I get that he's busy, and I totally support his hard work and the goal of finishing his advanced degree, but he seems to find time to do other things, hence my resentment. He plays recreational hockey 3 times a week, for a total of about 6-7 hours. Today he's playing hockey in the afternoon (after putting in a couple hours at the school), going over a buddy's house, and then going to watch a hockey game tonight, and then probably go out to the bar after for a drink. By the time he gets home baby and I will probably be asleep.
I have talked to him about this, and he says he needs a break from his work which is what hockey is for him. That's fine, but when's my break? When do I get to re-charge my batteries? He says that's the nature of mat leave and what I signed on for being the primary caregiver. He always says he'd trade places with me in an instant and would much rather be the stay-at-home parent than the "breadwinner." Last week I asked if he could find an hour on most days to take care of the baby, and he said probably not because he was so busy (and he got really defensive that I even asked, and it ended in a fight). And now he's spending the entire day taking a "break" from work.
I honestly feel like I'm a single parent, yet we're supposed to be a team. I feel so alone, and I'm really not enjoying motherhood like I should be. I don't have any family in town, and all my friends have babies of their own so I can't exactly ask for their help. I feel like this is leading down a bad road - sleep deprivation + stress + lack of support = depressed mommy. I really need his support and help, especially right now when I'm so physically tired from being up all. night. long. But I feel like he gets defensive whenever I bring it up. He's one of those guys who hates to be told what to do (or even asked) - he wants to do things his own way on his own time. He knows I want him to help more - that's no secret, and I've vocalized my desire clearly. So how do I get him to take time from his "breaks" and spend it with us? How do I approach this without it resulting in an argument?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: At the end of my rope and feeling resentful towards DH...
I have no answers for you. I am in a very similar situation. LAst week DH went snowboarding over night, and this week he's going to a Devil's game. And he just told me he's getting concert tickets to see Nickleback.
Just wanted to offer you some support & let you know you aren't alone...we are in this together!
I wish I had the answer to this...I could have written your post, except with my DH it is a series of books that he has been reading. So he's home, but he's all cozy in our room-with EARPLUGS in, so he doesn't get disturbed! He made a comment a couple days ago that he knows that I take care of DD 90% of the time. Then I did the math and realized that if he were taking care of her 10% of the time, I would be getting almost two and a half hours of me time each day...that isn't happening.
As far as suggestions are concerned, one thing that I am working on trying is to find activities that are fun for all of us. It isn't working great, but I'm trying...I also have him "come see what the baby is doing," to distract him and then say "Oh-I need to do [whatever] for just a minute." It feels sort of underhanded, but he actually does enjoy spending time with her when he does it...
DH is totally like your DH! I asked him to do an hour a day too and 4 on the weekends. At first he agreed and the third day when DS was having a meltdown, he said he didn't want his hour of taking care of DS to be when he is crying! I asked him what he thought was a reasonable amount of time then. He couldn't give an answer and said he didn't want to be timed.
Well we had a few arguments and what has helped honestly is to think of DH as if he were my first child. I have to give him a lot of praise and positive reinforcement when he plays with DS. I also have been able to push DS' bedtime back to 6:30ish, so DH at least gets 30 minutes with him. He does try harder on the weekends to take care of DS. I know that I shouldn't "have to" ask DH for "help" as DS is his child too. But DH is like a kid in so many ways and I do love him and want us to be happy. So I do what I need to.
The other thing I do is actually leave the house. DH hates food shopping, so he will watch DS while I go do a couple of errands. I have to give him lots of notice before I go anywhere otherwise he panics.
I've also joined a mom's group. I also do a babysitting swap with a friend. I'll watch her son for a couple of hours and she will watch DS. We don't do it often, but it's nice to have someone I can ask. Plus I have a babysitter that I can hire if needed. I don't have family close either. If your DH doesn't want to watch LO, maybe he will be willing to hire a sitter a couple times a week.
Sine your DH doesn't want to be told what to do, maybe you can ask him what he thinks you should do?
I find it really unfair when people treat maternity leave like 'time off' . For many, being a SAHM is more physically - and if not, definitely more emotionally - tasking than the average out-of-home job. Actually, I think that there have even been studies on this. Maybe you could look that up?
I think he's being really insensitive, and you need to stand your ground. Pick one day a week where YOU will do something out of the house, without the baby. That is MORE than fair.
Clomid Cycle #1: 50mg = BFP
=Beautiful baby girl born May 23, 2009
TTC#2: BFP Cycle #1, no fertility meds!
Perhaps explain to him that you don't think he grasps what your days are like. Set up a week or two in advance if you have to a 2-4 hour chunk (depending on how long you think your DH could handle it and how long your DD could handle it) when you will go do something for yourself and then be available (in another room or at a nearby cafe or something) in case DD (or DH lol) has a meltdown. Give your DH a taste of the way EVERY DAY is for you.
"The nature of maternity leave" is not to completely give up time to yourself. That is complete BS. You give up a lot when you have a kid - no matter how you parent - but EVERYONE needs time to themselves.
You also might put it to him this way - right now, DD is not very fun for him. But some quality time with his daughter right now WILL pay off - and he'll start to see that around her first birthday even if she's as mama-centered as my son is (EXTREMELY!). I had to acknowledge to DH many times that his job as a dad was way less enjoyable than mine as a mom in the first year. However, he kept getting in there and getting to know his son, and he powered through some major crying spells when DS just wanted me and I was out for, say, a 20 minute walk (it was realllllly rough for DH in the beginning!). Now, those two are so much fun to listen to together. DS will drop EVERYTHING when DH gets home and yell "DADDY HOME!!!!!" DH loves it and gladly spends time with DS now.
Another thing - you could tell him that you need a break, and the choices are for him to spend some time with his child or for you to hire a sitter. My husband is also a graduate student - so we can't hire a sitter very often, but I do when he *really* can't make it home and I need to sleep, or we've had a series of hard days and I just need a break.
Do you have family around? If you did, you'd probably be taking your daughter to a grandparent to get a break for yourself. I think of our sitters as substitutes for that. It sucks we have to pay, and I keep it to a minimum because we obviously don't have much money as a grad student family, but sometimes it's necessary.
We also have friends I do lots of childcare swaps with, and that's worked out well. Some have been on a regular basis - like, three days a week I used to watch a friend's son for an hour while she went to the gym, then she'd come back and watch DS for me while I went to the gym. They were about 4 months old when we started that, and it worked out really well - and then I got to talk to my friend for awhile afterwards, which kept us both sane!!
Lastly - DH got involved with a dads' group during about the second half of DS's first year. I had to make him go because he was convinced he was going to be forced to talk about his emotions and they'd expect him to cry or something. HA! Well, no. It was just a "hang out" kind of group. They went to bars and talked about their families, and they talked about the difficulties and found common ground - but it was very relaxed and he made a couple of very good friends. It also started to open up activities and social gatherings where kids were welcome and where he knew people since it wasn't my friends.
Thanks ladies... It's always reassuring to know that I'm not alone! One of the problems with DH's schedule is that he doesn't get "days off" or even have an "end of the day." He works pretty much constantly (unless he's taking time for hockey or something else)... Plus I nurse the baby and am the only one who can put her down for naps, so I can never leave for more than a couple hours at a time.
I think maybe I'll just have him schedule a couple hours each week when he has to watch the baby. Maybe if it's in writing on his calendar he'll see it more as a "to-do" rather than something I'm nagging him about constantly. I really need my "me" time or else I'm going to go crazy here!
The above poster has great suggestions.
You know, my husband works a ton of hours, and yet on his days off, he does everything for our daughter - gets up with her at night, feeds her, diapers her, plays with her. I don't even ask him to. I definitely feel lucky, and I know that I would go crazy if I didn't have the help - so I really, really feel for you.
As for your husband not understanding what a typical day at home is like for you - I agree. Why not write down everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - that you do for a full day . And everything that your daughter does. Because sometimes, I think that men get the idea that we sit at home with our feet up for hours on end, so maybe if he realizes that isn't the true picture, he'll understand why you need more of a break.
Clomid Cycle #1: 50mg = BFP
=Beautiful baby girl born May 23, 2009
TTC#2: BFP Cycle #1, no fertility meds!
Being a grad student family as well, I totally get the "no days off, no end of the day" kind of stuff.
But you can fake that stuff. DH has a set time that he is gone from the house and working. If he has extra stuff (like grading, or a talk, or whatever), then he gives me as much advance notice as he can - and if there is none, I deal. That's what I signed up for as his wife, fine. But he doesn't get to just go out and be a childless dude whenever he feels like.
That said, he helps out so much generally that I usually agree when he wants to go out with his fellow grad students for drinks one evening or something. And he did play in a band during the first year of DS's life - but it was understood between us that if he got 2 hours to go do that, I was going to get 2 hours at some other time to do what I wanted to do.
I could have written this part of your post. DH goes to the gym every week as much as he can without fail- whether it be during his lunch hour or just after work or on the weekends while I take DD to swim class or all 3. If I try to tell him I need a break to go to yoga class or do something non-DD relating (letting me make dinner or do laundry doesn't count!), he complains that he is sitting at a desk all day and needs the exercise (he legitimately works 60+ hours/week) whereas I am always out and about with DD, getting plenty of sunshine and physical activity.
I feel your pain. I wish I could tell you I've solved this dilemma, but I, too, feel resentful sometimes. And sadly, I think DH sometimes resents how much time I get to spend with DD.
Mama, I could have written this exact same thing at that age (and several other ages). I don't have much good advice except keep trying to bring it up when you're not feeling so upset and resentful (hard to do, I know- you don't want those times to be ruined by what could end up as an argument, but you've gotta make yourself). My DH said many of the same things about it being what I signed up for, he'd switch in a heartbeat, etc.
It does get better though, and I know that eventually DH finally understood that I needed some time now and again as well. A few times I took DD and visited family OOT, or a friends house on weekends where I felt overwhelmed. DH asked why I was doing that so often and said he wanted to see us more. I told him I needed help and a break, which I got from friends and family. I didn't get it from him so for my own sanity I had to find it from the rest of my support system. I know it sounds like I was trying to manipulate and/or punish him, but I wasn't. It was just the only option I could see to be able to relax for a little while.
((hugs))
I can totally relate to this. When we brought the baby home (AND he had a week off!), DH was a complete A$$. I couldn't understand it (I still don't) because normally he is such a team player. He was sleeping all the time (hello?!) and nursing was sooo hard for me (we're talking bleeding nipples here, people) and everytime I asked for a pillow or a glass of water you would think I asked him to make milk come forth from his own nipples.
I think he just wasn't getting IT'S NO LONGER ABOUT HIM. After about 1,000 conversations as to why this was making me feel like crap, and after I said, "You know, when I look back at this time that we are supposed to be a new family, all I am going to remember is how sad I was every time I saw you. I want to remember this as a golden time in our marriage, and it's turning out to be the worst time ever, and that is a heartbreak to me".
He started to get it a little after that... and more and more.. I kept telling him how it made me feel. (lonely, like a single parent, hurt, uncared for...)
Now we've hit our stride, finally. I imagine there will be more bumps, and some nights I want to kill him, but this is what they mean when they say "everything changes". Now, if your DH was not someone to pitch in before you had the baby. and you're now changing the dynamic on him, you may have to find a way to explain that. You have every right to expect him to pitch in for his own child. Next time he says "You knew what you were getting into with maternity leave" you say "You knew what you were getting into when we had a baby, now get off your a$$. It's not about you anymore"
GL! I feel your pain, but it will get better.
Oh, the other thing I did was communicate my feelings to him and then go about as though he didn't even exist. That got his attention. He would come home from work and start yammering about his day and I gave only the most 'eh' nod because I had 100 other things on my mind. Until he gave me his best self, I reserved my best self for the baby.
Acia, try putting it to your husband this way:
You don't get a day off either.
Clomid Cycle #1: 50mg = BFP
=Beautiful baby girl born May 23, 2009
TTC#2: BFP Cycle #1, no fertility meds!
wildride, I had a VERY similar experience with my DH. He actually had a month off for "parental leave" and spent almost all of it playing XBox. I was livid...but too tired and worried about other things to even deal with it most days.
In the end, similar to what you said, what got his attention was when I stopped asking him to help altogether and DD and I went on about our business like we didn't need him at all. He also travels internationally for work, and when he'd come back from a long trip and see he wasn't really missed too much...it finally started to sink in. We had a long talk last weekend (after his last long trip) and I told him that I had to make up my mind a long time ago that I was going to do what was best for DD, with him or without him, and while that makes me sad, it is simply the reality of the situation. He was kind of shocked that I was even thinking along those lines and is definitely trying to step it up. We'll see how long it lasts.
I can't even begin to tell you how angry your post makes me - angry at your DH!! I don't understand why so many men won't try to step up to the plate and be good fathers. I'm sure your DH is generally a "good guy", and if he TRIED to be a good father he would be. But he's not trying. He's acting like a spoiled brat. Grow up man.
Yes, you are the primary caregiver while you are SAH. But that does not give him a free pass from all childcare duties. If he's working 40 hours a week, then your "job" as primary caregiver should only be 40 hours a week too. That means that the other 128 hours in the week should be split EVENLY between you. And that means that you get time off too.
And please do show the man-child the responses to this post.
Oh, and please do ask your friends for help. Chances are that their DH's went through a phase like this and they would be happy to give you an hour or two of a break. Even just hanging out with another mom and baby can be a little bit of a break because there's someone who understands what you're going through with the exhaustion and cranky baby.
get out of the house! pick one night a week and sign up for yoga or pilates or something just for you. just leave and let them figure things out together.
and another thing, although this is in no way making an excuse for him, things are really going to change in the next few months as she gets mobile and more interesting and interactive. my husband has been pretty awesome since she was born, but he's gotten so much more happy about it now that she's walking and talking and just being a lot of fun.
also one more thing, we did the whole grad school thing (minus a baby) and I totally get how crazy it is, but I would strongly, strongly suggest that he try to structure it more like an 8-5 job than a 24/7 kind of thing. having a sense of regularity will really help both of you.
j+k+m+e | running with needles
I just went back to work two days ago and DH is home with the baby. When I walk in the door, he hands her off to me and says he needs a break, and I totally understand what he means! Staying at home with a baby all day is hard work! I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is, especially when you have a baby that wants to be held all the time.
Your DH is way out of line, and that situation is not okay. The way that we've worked it out in our family is, we each get a weekend day totally to ourselves, to do whatever. DH has 3-day weekends, so he gets one day to do whatever he wants, I get one to do whatever I want, and we spend one doing family stuff. Usually we are together all three days, but the person who is "on" that day does most of the baby caretaking, while the other gets only fun baby-related duties (ie, playing and snuggles) while they are home. We are also able to get out of the house by ourselves to be with friends on our day "off" if we want.
During the week, I take care of Moses during the day while DH is at school, then when he gets home he takes over immediately. I take a bubble bath and read (EVERY night), and then we spend family time together in which DH takes primary responsibility for Moses until its bedtime.
DH wanted to run for student union this year, and I told him to go ahead and do it, but he decided against it because he needed to spend more time with his son. Period. It's hard enough for me to be with Moses all day, every day without my husband engaging in extra curriculars around the clock. We both need breaks, and we both get breaks.
I highly suggest that you work out a system where you can get some time to yourself too. It's detrimental to your DH relationship with his daughter for him to not spend time bonding with her. This isn't just about him helping YOU, its about him having a relationship with his kid.
My husband says to tell him, it's not what YOU signed up for, it's what YOU AS A COUPLE signed up for. This is his child, his family, and his responsibility.
He needs to step up and be a part of your family. Taking care of a baby isn't all fun and games- it's nice, but it's hard demanding work and everyone needs a break and some time off.
This is his child too, not just yours. He needs to shoulder his share of the responsibility.
I was reading through the posts wondering when someone was going to say this.
Fathers not stepping up to the plate drive me crazy.
I hope things get better for you. I had this conversation with dh a couple nights ago. He was moping around b/c he doesn't have any time to himself anymore and can't hang out with his friends, play games or read his books----I said sorry, but this is what being a parent is all about--I need your help when you get home because I have been on duty all night and day. I made it very clear that before he goes out with his friends I need some time to myself b/c I did not sign up to be a single mother. Luckily for me his own mother tells him he needs to give me a break.
His life is supposed to change too, not just yours, he needs to man up and spend some time with your LO. I think once he does and realizes how hard it is he will realize how hard you work. You need to lay the ground rules now though.
Sorry, but in that situation I would hand her off and leave for 2 hours. 2 hours won't make or break anybody and would scare him shitless. He might get a clue.
I can't imagine dealing with a parent who doesn't want to parent. I'm blessed with an amazingly supportive and involved husband. I wish you had the same.
I find this really sad. Not just because you're not getting support and time to yourself, but because your husband is totally checking out on parenting his baby. Doesn't he want to be a father? And doesn't her understand that means interacting with his kid and being the care taker sometimes?
You've gotten lots of good advice but I would just chime in that I know the feeling. I love my DH to bits but he does get very defensive if I ever remotely "criticize" how he's spending his time. Our biggest issue is that he's a night owl (he works late nights 3 nights a week so his sleep schedule is off). We are both students so we don't have any set schedule which adds to the problem. My frustration is that I have to get up with kiddo every morning - while he sleeps. And of course he needs to sleep but it would be nice to sleep in once in a while!
Anyway, definitely keep talking to him. I always try approaching it from a "I'm not criticizing but you need to understand what I'm feeling" kind of way.
And definitely find an activity that is for you and you alone - and go do it and let him care for DD. You'll get a break and hopefully he'll better understand what it's like to be in your shoes.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I hope your H comes around soon. I think a lot of new fathers go into freak-out and withdrawl mode. When they see the bond that mother and baby have, they feel left out and purposeless.....especially if you are bfing. I think, in their minds, they picture daddy throwing baby up in the air and chasing them around the back yard, so when reality sets in and baby wants the boob for the 3rd time in 2 hours and WON'T stop crying, they feel helpless because they don't know what to do. But, this hurts their pride, because daddy's are supposed to be strong and they feel weak, because they are unable to figure out baby's needs as quickly and "effortlessly" (I use quotes b/c we all know our "effortlessness is thanks in part to the sheer amount of time we spend with baby, learning their cues). This translates to daddy being a jackhole, because he doesn't want to admit that he feels powerless and doesn't know what to do, so instead he plays the "I need a break" card, so he can justify running away for a while. He doesn't want to be alone with the baby, because he's terrified that LO will end up screaming their head off this entire time, and he won't know what to do about it. It all comes down to being scared, I think. I AM NOT defending this. I'm just giving my opinion based on my own experience.
As for not wanting to be told what to do-- try the "X and Y need to be done. Do you want to do X or Y? That way, he has no room to weasel out and also doesn't feel like he's being told what to do. He has a choice. Maybe that will work for you.
I guess maybe you could try to approach him from the sex angle, surely he'd pay attention to that! Obviously, I know nothing about your love life, but what if you told him that you'd love to have more sexy time, but you are so exhausted and you miss him, but you really need some time alone for a little while to re-generate. Maybe then he'd be motivated to get a clue. This way he sees how this would benefit him, if he's incapable of empathizing with you. When he hears how you feel and how you feel about him getting alone time, all he hears is his guilty conscience and it's making him mad. Sucks. I know.
Things will get better. I'm sure he'll come around, and like PPs said, he'll start getting more into LO, once they are more interactive with him. In the meanwhile, feel free to vent here. We're all here for you!
First, hugs. IIRC, this isn't the your first post like this about you and DH having difficulties. I'm so sorry this is happening. PP had GREAT suggestions and I think a combination of getting out with family and friends for the support that he is not offering as well as leaving him to fend for himself with DH are key things FOR YOU to do. (Also, you don't need to stay because she will only nap for you, DH must learn this too!) However, ultimately this is a problem for both of you and discussion and change are needed and HE needs to step up here. I know time is at a premium but have you considered couples counseling? With him as a student you might be able to find it for free through student health.
It may sound silly but what helped DH through this transition of "holy crap, we're now parents all.the.time" when M was 2-3 mos. was creating a 101 things to do in 1001 days list. This gave us a focused way to talk about what was important to each of us regarding hobbies and what we wanted to prioritize, what we needed to do for the house, where we wanted to be professionally and the type of family things we would like to do. Because it spans 3 years, it helped him start to think about all the fun things M will be able to do soon and the experiences we want to give him and how we envision our family, in addition to showing him we don't need to "give up" certain things we enjoyed from our child-free days but it has to be fair.
{{{HUGS}}} I could have written your post. I've been having a really resentful week towards my DH too and our DS is older than your DD and typically STTN, so I don't have the sleep deprivation. My DH is a lawyer and works LONG hours. Before we had DS, I did literally EVERYTHING around the house except for mowing the lawn and paying the bills (his two loves). Since we had DS, I still do EVERYTHING, plus work full-time, take graduate classes part-time, and do 99% of the caretaking for DS. It's extremely frustrating and he gets angry and defensive if I trying to get him to help me out more.
I don't have any suggestions for you because I really could use a pep talk myself this week. I don't usually feel this resentment towards DH because I love my job and I love taking care of my son and I take pride in staying on top of things and "doing it all." But man, this week was a rough one.
Just know that you're not alone. Hopefully both of our DHs will get a clue someday.
My gosh, I was reading this post thinking "wait, did I write this? No? But wait, DID I write this?"
We went through the same thing and it's only now getting better for us. My husband also hates being told what to do and he also says that he doesn't know how to do things as well as I can, etc.
We also had the arguments about how he'd LOVE to stay home and if I wanted, he'd quit his job and do it and I could go to work. Or if I asked for his help he'd tell me to "hire someone", because he was too tired and stressed from work to do it.
Honestly, it only got better once I went back to work. DH is in charge of picking DS up from daycare every day and has him for about 2 hours alone until I get home from work - that time alone forced him to figure out how to do things and I think gave him the confidence to help.
Now that DS doesn't really eat overnight, if he wakes up I'll nudge DH and tell him it's his turn. I still take 80-90% of the overnight wakings, but he definitely helps more and doesn't grumble about it.
In your situation, for me the deal-breaker would be the hockey. One night a week? Sure! DH had a bowling league Tuesday nights and I had no problem with that. 3 times a week for 6-7 hours? That wouldn't fly in my house. I think then you need to pick one night a week where you get out of the house or take some time to yourself alone while DH "babysits". You need time too, even if it's just to go grab a cup of coffee and read a a magazine. And maybe being alone with the baby will force him to step it up a bit.
Good luck, it's so hard, I know.
This x1000. My husband plays hockey once a week and I don't think that will be a problem when the baby comes, but there was a time when he was playing 3x a week and that was just too freaking much without kids. I had a part-time husband. When he cut down to once a week, I realized just how much I had missed him. No recreational player needs to be playing 3 times a week. Having a baby means sacrifices.
And sadly, I think DH sometimes resents how much time I get to spend with DD.
This is interesting, you would think he would jump at the chance to spend alone time with her if this is the case.Your last paragraph hits home with me, I've had the single parent feeling sooooo many times. I compare staying at home to working away from home like this for Hubby: Going to my old job I showed up, knew what to do, did it, got paid. Staying home with baby is like a guessing game all day, you don't know what they need because they can't yet tell you, and you are so stressed trying to figure it out all day long, and on top of it, you don't get paid! Then my Hubby comes home and expects supper?! I want to just yell at him "Seriously?!"
I also feel like I should be enjoying motherhood more, like every minute should be blissfull happiness and rainbows because of our little blessing, and of course she is a wonderful blessing in our lives that I wouldn't trade for the world. What I've noticed about motherhood for me are big highs and lows. I have wondered about PPD, but don't think I'm that far down in the dumps. I am capable of enjoying beautiful moments but yet I'm also mourning my old, comparably carefree life before parental responsibilities. I get resentful he still has his old hobbies with (seemingly) no guilt or second thoughts about time spent away from our little girl. I suppose my Hubby, and yours, is scared and sad that he might lose all his carefree hobbies and habits from the times before the baby came. Have you told him that you feel this way too? We as Moms make so many sacrifices, (probably more of them, if we're keeping score!), but nobody should have to totally give up on things they enjoyed doing pre-parenthood. If he gets to keep some old hobbies/habits, you should too, of course. If you're not ready to talk to him yet, focus on your happiness a little first so you can 'catch up' to him a little on breaks from baby. Think about what you'd truly like to do for fun if you had a little break from your wonderful daughter, because as much as you love her, YOU DO DESERVE A BREAK. I am in the same boat as you in that most of my family lives out of town. If his family is around, make use of them! I know I don't feel comfortable asking the in-laws for help as I would my own parents, but DO IT if you can, for your own sanity. Or maybe you can ask one of your friends w/ kids if they want to take turns watching kids so you can briefly get away just to take a walk, or shop without hauling baby and all her stuff to and fro, or whatever activity you liked to do pre-mommyhood. If you can take a little break to recharge maybe you will feel more like yourself and ready to enjoy motherhood more, and possibly be able to calmly bring up the conversation w/ your Hubby again. Good luck, I hope I can follow my own advice too now...