The Parenthood Test — The Bump
Northern California Babies

The Parenthood Test

A friend emailed this to me... Hilarious!  (Sorry- it is long)

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN:

THE MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

 

THE TOY TEST

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold.  Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

 

THE GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop.  Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

 

THE DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag, making sure that all the arms stay inside.

 

THE FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug.  Fill halfway with water.  Suspend from the ceiling with a cord.  Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

 

THE NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 7:00 p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.  Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m.  Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.

 

THE INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton.  Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.  Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

 

THE AUTOMOBILE TEST

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon.  Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.  Get a dime.  Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat.  Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There ...perfect.

 

THE PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months.  Now remove 90% of the beans.  Leave it on for the rest of your life.

 

THE PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store.  Set your wallet on the counter.  Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.  Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.  Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

 

THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners.  Suggest many ways they can improve.  Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.  Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

 

Re: The Parenthood Test

  • Ha - too funny! I'm surprised there wasn't a "diaper test" or a "toilet?training test" - I'd love to see what they?would?suggest to get ready for?that!
  • Bwahahaha!!!!!
    - Rene
  • Awesome!  I am so ready! I do that stuff daily already! Wink
    TTC #1 w/ PCOS since 7/08
    7 cycles of Clomid, 2 SA's, 1 HSG
    BFP 8/09! M/C 10/09
    Back on the TTC Roller Coaster since 2/10
    Metformin and TI is current TTC plan
    BFP 2/21/11!!!
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    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers


    The Super Secret Blog (at least from MIL)
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