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3rd Trimester
S/O: "If you go digging for dirt, you'll find it."
How do you ladies feel about this statement in your current lives/situations/relationships? I'm not naive. In fact, I'm a realist. I'm well aware that many people lie/cheat/etc., but if I thought this were true with DH, we wouldn't be where we are. Also, even if DH wanted to go "digging" into my internet life or elsewhere, there would be no dirt for him to find.
I guess I just don't buy that this is the case with all relationships.
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Re: S/O: "If you go digging for dirt, you'll find it."
DH and I have each others passwords for everything and actually have our fb and emails set up that you just type in our name and the password pops up. I have nothing to hide and if he ever wanted to look it wouldn't bother me in the least. Same with him. I don't go "digging" but I will be like hey can I look at your email for that note from the dog trainer etc.
I could never be with him if I didn't trust him even a little. He is my other half and what would be the point if I had to worry about what he might possibly be doing?
Yep, it doesn't apply to me. There isn't anything for me to hide. And I really don't believe that my DH could hide anything. He doesn't even have a Facebook account.
I agree. I think there's a difference between checking your SO's email for information and snooping when he's gone just to "make sure" there's nothing you need to know about.
I've definitely had my share of dating untrustworthy guys. I trust DH 100%.
This. Word for word.
i agree with this completely. i will add however that when i've followed my need to snoop on DH i found things that i would have preferred not to find... the only problem w/ snooping is that it makes bringing up the issue a bit difficult and makes you want to snoop more.
DH knows and has complete access to everything of mine and i'm fine w/ that b/c i dont say/do anything i would need to hide.
I don't have my SO passwords for things like e-mail. I don't feel that i need them. I trust him, however i have had this conversation since my ex-husband did cheat on me and that's why we got divorced that if for some reason i wanted to look at say his e-mail account or phone i expect him to let me even if he thinks i'm being silly or petty. I'm not perfect and i have my moments of insecurity. But i don't feel like if i went digging i'd find something. He doesn't have my passwords either but since it works both ways i told him he can have them whenever he wants. No matter how much he searches he won't find anything, not because i sneaky but becasue there is nothing to find.. i love him wholeheartedly.
I learned the hard way not to go digging. When we first started living together, I started getting paranoid that he was up to no good. I googled a couple of his screen names and came across an old blog. One of his last entries was from when we'd first started dating and had just "declared" exclusivity; well, his blog proved that my intuition at that time was right and he hadn't exactly gotten over this coworker of his by that point, and they had gone out the two of them on one occasion when I remembered he specifically told me he was going out with a group from work.
So, yes, I did find dirt when I went digging. HOWEVER... in the 24 hours I gave myself to think about things before reacting to them, I decided to go digging for my OWN dirt. If he looked into MY everything from that same month, what would he find? Turns out, he would have found a bunch of emails telling my sister that I wasn't sure becoming exclusive was the right step for us, I was having second thoughts about dating him at all, he was getting on my nerves, etc.
I guess my point is that between the "dirt" and finding the dirt, our relationship had changed so much that it wasn't even important anymore. Granted, I was paranoid & snooping, but I know that that insecurity totally stemmed from issues with my previous boyfriend, which I've sinced worked out. I admitted to DH what I'd done, what I'd found, we talked everything out, and I have never snooped since, and he has never snooped on me either (even though we do share passwords). We completely trust each other now (wouldn't have married him otherwise).
Fvck, this is long. In a nutshell (lol): everyone probably has something their SO probably doesn't want to find (even just notes to friends or bump posts, venting about DH). I think most of it is, essentially, pretty harmless, and I don't think it's all a cause for alarm, divorce, etc.
We have each others' passwords etc...not because of trust or anything, but because it's practical, and we've been living together for over 4 years now, so things are libel to break/not log in/need printing/etc. It's just life--we trust each other, and it's easy.
But dirt? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'd find a lot of smut on his computer! But porn isn't threatening to me, so it's no biggie. I doubt he'd even try to hide it, and I haven't gone looking--but it's there, I'm sure.
I would agree with you. My DH and I both come from homes where our fathers cheated and the marriage failed. We have used their mistakes to help us with ours. We have an "open book" policy. I don't care if DH snoops because I have nothing to hide and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. The same goes with DH. My DH really doesn't want to be like his father, who was the equivalent to Tiger Woods, so he is completely honest with me about girls that flirt with him, his ex-girl friend sending e-mails (yet again) and other things that might possibly come up in our relationship.
I trust DH I don't feel the urge to ever check his phone, email FB (he doesnt even have one actually LOL) I really don't like that saying though I mean if you feel you NEED to go digging you probably will find dirt but I assure you if you went digging for dirt with DH and I you wouldn't find it.
Frankly, I think that finding out that your SO had lied to you and gone out with another woman, and had been in love with someone else at that time, after you'd decided to be exclusive, would be a dealbreaker. But that's just me.
I think that if you feel the need to look, then you already know something is amiss. Even in the instance where it was the guy lying and being in love with someone else in the beginning, it's still something that was affecting the dynamic of the relationship in the present, hence the need to snoop.
I don't know if this is in response to what I posted earlier... but I just wanted to clarify that DH was not "in love" with this other woman. She was a coworker that he had a crush on before we ever met. They were never romantically involved... He crushed on her and she asked him out for drinks one night. I knew from his blog that nothing happened, but, yeah, I know he lied to me about it and it was a total breach in trust.
If I had known at the time that he was lying and went out with this girl, it would have been a deal breaker. But finding out months and months after the fact, after so much had changed between us and we had fallen in love and become much more serious, I felt I couldn't dump him over a mistake he made at the same time that I was having second thoughts about making our relationship exclusive, too. We decided to become exclusive pretty early on (too early, for both of us, in hindsight).
The thing with the coworker was over by the time I found that blog (in fact, it never went further than that one night of drinks). Like I said, my insecurities that caused me to snoop were totally an issue about my ex, not DH.
To the OP: My inclination is to say, not necessarily will you find dirt, but I think if you feel the need to look, it's probably because you sense there's dirt to be find. Also, if you are digging, and find nothing, you'll keep digging because you think there's something to find and you just haven't found it yet. That will eat away at the relationship eventually.
JMO.
I dont agree. I wouldn't go digging for anything because I do trust Nate but if I did, I am positive I wouldnt find anything. He doesnt have time to have another life that I wouldnt know about. Poor thing. If he went looking, he wouldnt find anything either. I've always said that a relationship is based off trust. If I thought that I couldnt trust Nate, we would not be here right now. It's the foundation of our relationship.