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Babies on the Brain
Those with IF, and others, please come in...
So, with my 16th cycle ending today J and I have decided that I'm going to talk to my mom. She doesn't know we're TTC. Without going into the details again (please see my blog below if you'd like), I'm nervous.
Have you been there? Any advice?
TYIA for any words of wisdom.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Those with IF, and others, please come in...
My mom knew about our referral to the RE because I hadn't had a period for like a million years. Talking with her helped. She hasn't been pushy or nosey.
She's your mommy. She might have good insight and offer support. At least, that's what I hope :-)
I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way...
If you don't feel completely comfortable talking to your mom, then don't. Fertility and infertility are not hereditary. Even if she did have problems, they have nothing to do with whether or not you do and what they are.
Having said that, though, I told my mom this weekend I'm going to the doctor and I called her today to tell her when my appointment is. We seem to have a closer relationship than you and your mom though.
If you decide to talk to her, I think the best way to go about it is be upfront with her. Tell her what you've been going through and hopefully she'll open up to you if she had problems. If not, I think saying "I know there's quite a few years between my sister and I, did you have trouble conceiving me?" is appropriate.
Ish, thank you. Thank you so much. You ladies are amazing and I couldn't have made it this far without you. I love you too.
Okay, and now I'm crying.
We told both sets of parents, but it was more for plain sharing purposes than information gathering (my birth mom died when I was 1.5, and I was a honeymoon baby - no suspected problems there).
We just came out with it, but I think the best way to broach the subject, especially if you're doing a one-on-one approach, is to modify what a friend calls the Back Porch Ritual. Basically, the idea is to talk through tough stuff by sitting next to them, not face-to-face. Bonus comfy points if you both have drinks in hand to help distract through awkward moments. A good mod is to talk while driving/passengering.
GL!!!
I don't know if I really have any advice for you. I was lucky (horrible way to think of it but it's true) that my mom, and MIL for that matter, also dealt with PL, IF treatments, and even uterine surgeries. I knew my mom would understand and when we finally spilled the beans (didn't tell either set of parents until after the second m/c) I didn't have any doubts that she'd be there for me no matter what. If you have serious doubts about telling your mom, then don't feel bad about keeping it a secret a while longer until the time is right. ::hugs::
I hope that by telling your mom you'll be pleasantly surprised and have another avenue of support during this process. Either way we will all be here for you no matter what.
I'm sorry if my post wasn't clear. My mom and I are actually pretty close now. I do want to tell her, I'm just scared. I'm not as concerned with whether or not she had problems, but just wanting her to know this fairly large part of my life.
While we were ttc, I told my mom. I went into it not really expecting her to understand since she's never had any issues getting pregnant. It actually went really well and she knew some people who went through the same treatments I was starting and it worked for them which made me feel a little more optimistic. I don't really know why I was nervous in the first place.
Oof, sorry about that. I wasn't able to read your whole blog entry (I have the attention span of a goldfish right now) so I kind of just skimmed it and apparently hit all the right places to make the wrong assumption.
I agree with what Jen said. That's basically how Buckin and I sit all the time when we talk about this stuff, and it's much easier to fiddle with my coffee lid while I fight back tears when she isn't sitting across from me and looking straight at me. Most of the times I have talked to my mom about TTC, I have been sitting beside her.
I think when you are in the moment, you'll know the right thing to say. And because she's your mom and you're close she'll understand if you cry or can't finish what you want to say. I was scared to tell my mom too. She can be a little judgemental sometimes, but I know if one day my daughter has problems (I hope to God she doesn't) I will want her to tell me so I can be there to support her, you know?
I never came out and told my parents.
When I found out I had to have surgery last summer, I told them I was having surgery and explained why. My mom came down for a few days afterwards to help out around the house because DH had to work.
I slyly mentioned that I thought the surgery would affect my fertility, but I left out everything else - never telling her that I had been diagnosed with PCOS, Endo, and lazy ovary disease. {She knew about the Graves. I was diagnosed in high school.}
It wasn't until we got pregnant that I confessed everything.
I was just never comfortable with it. I'm a pretty confident person, but I really struggled with that whole side of me. It made me very insecure if I talked about it. I did not handle the "when will you have kids?" conversations very well.
I think if you are going to say something to her about it, then you need to be ready for follow up questions when you have appointments, meetings, etc. I don't know how close you are, but I know I emotionally couldn't deal with the questions about the state of ute from anyone other than DH or my doctor.
If you need to chat please feel free to PM me. I don't know if in retrospect I did the right thing waiting to tell, but I am pretty sure I did.
ETA: My mom is a PA so there is a good chance she knew all along just from what I did tell her...she just never told me if she did or not.
Thanks, Prep. You know, I'm beginning to think there is not 'right' or 'wrong' time. If it felt right to tell her when you got pregnant, then that was the right time for you.
Now feels right to me. That doesn't make me any less scared to have the actual conversation, but I think the time is right. I know my mom has been through some tough stuff in her life and I think in the end I will be comforted knowing she's on my side.