- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Single Parents
Just an observation/thought
I read almost every single post on this board. I know how hard it is to go through divorce, to be pg when you are going through a divorce. One thing I have noticed that is a trend on here is the frequent questions about getting full custody of DC and/or trying to declare the BF (or stbx) unfit. I will say that yes, in some cases it is appropriate to seek full custody but have you ever thought that your desire for full custody is selfish and emotionally driven? I speak from experience when I say that I felt that my stbx was an unfit father figure and that my DDs were in harm's way when he was around. However, after dealing with this for over two years now, I have come to realize just how emotionally driven I was to have full custody. I hate to say it but laziness is not a crime. If your DC is at risk for physical and emotional abuse then by full means seek the best for your child. However, evaluate your situation void of emotion. I went through many a heartbreak dealing with this. It hurt when I found out he had another girl around my DDs. It hurt when I found out there was intention of said girl becoming my DDs step mother. It hurts because I felt like they were impeding on my position and role to my DDs. However, with this being said, if the BF is lazy then the visitation schedule will prove this. His actions will prove this over time. In most cases, your stbx's actions and behavior towards you should not be a motivator towards you seeking full custody (please note this is not always the case).
I guess my point is that while we may feel like BF should not be involved, let you DCs make that decision. I would personally would hate if my DDs ever resented me for keeping them from their father. However, his actions will show my DDs just how much of DB he really is.
I know some of you will not agree with me right now or maybe never. I just wanted to throw this out for thought.
**please take note that this doesnt include issues with abuse. Abuse should never be tolerated.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Just an observation/thought
I am right there with you. I would love for my STBXH to come see our DD more often. I have asked him to do that on more than one occasion. I think children need both parents.
With that said, I am seeking full physical and legal custody, but with visitation. My STBXH can't have DD overnight because he only has one room at his place and there isn't a separate room that DD can sleep in (that is required for opposite sex parents here). I want legal custody because sometimes he is hard to reach (he has gone over a week with no communication, even when I leave messages saying it is urgent) and I want to be able to make the decisions that need to be made without hunting him down.
I really like a quote I heard Valerie Bertanelli say: "You have to decide to love your kids more than you hate your ex." Or something along those lines. I think that's a good way to look at it.
The main reasons I'm going after full custody is because the home where DC would be staying is not a safe environment. There are holes in the walls that have insulation pouring out of them, holes in the floor that you have to step over or else you might twist your ankle. Agressive animals. Also there was a babysitting incident that took place a few years back, Josh won't tell me what happened.. He told me it's a family matter and I need to stay out of his business (although we were engaged). Anyways, he is not allowed to see his nephews anymore and his sister gets hysterical when he comes around her and her children.
No offense, but taking this advice would be truly detrimental to a child. I work with some children who were forced to make decisions about which parent they wanted to live with. That decision is far too much pressure for a child. The overwhelming guilt he or she is forced to live with after making such a decision can lead to an anxiety disorder.
Also, maybe I'm in the camp of overprotection, but I'd rather my son not know that his dad is a DB. I don't want him to be exposed to the abandonment, drinking, video gaming, etc., not to mention the unchanged diapers, lack of bathing, lack of interaction, etc. If his dad were to prove he was worthy of custody or visitation, that would be a different matter.
Yep, that's exactly what she said (I saw Ellen while I was in the nail salon). My STBXH is somewhat active in our son's life. While he doesn't call and check on DS as often as I personally think he should, he does try to make sure he spends at least one weekend if not two weekends a month with him. There are times where it angers me that he gets to pick and choose when he wants to be a parent, but at the same time, I am thankful that he does halfway give a damn and that I'm not in this 100% by myself.
The state law here is that if the father has not big activly involved from the beginning they can't get anything but supervised visitation for the first year or two. I would NEVER just let him take the babies and he has no drug problems or anything like that, but I know he doesn't know how to take care of them. He gets 2 hours for 3 days a week supervised visitation. Not, that he does it, but that is beside the point. So I totally understand that. I didn't mean he should get them like that. I just ment he has a right to see them, and in that case with the drugs I don't know if I would or not. I am sorry! I couldn't imagine, but didn't mean it that way.
I have personally seen quite a few post in reguards to xh not coming when they are supposed to and people being concerned that their lo isn't getting to visit with their father.
I personally don't want him coming around for three months,dropping off the planet for five months and then thinking he can pop back up whenever he wants.
H has had the oppertunity to see dd everyday while we've been married, and he comes for 45 minutes 2x a week by choice.
By choice, and without me saying anything, he is giving me sole custody, but we have agreed to a visitation schedule already. It will be up to him, as far as seeing her when he's supposed to.
I think she means this for situations that include infedelity, not working out, etc. Not for when the X is abusive, negligent, a drug user, etc. I kind of have to agree with OP on this one. If the X is willing and at least somewhat capable of caring for his child then yes he should be able to receive visitation. When you are hurt and upset (which you have every reason to be) it's alot easier to point out his laziness i.e video gaming, and use that as a 'negligent behavior' agrument. I understand it is frusterating and the guy may be a total prick as a person but as a father I think it is only fair that he have a chance to prove himself fit.
If he doesn't show up to for his visitation schedule then F him he had a chance to prove himself, but if not and he is wanting to be in the DC's life I think as a mother we kind of have to put aside our feelings and do what we can to keep DC's life as healthy and happy as possible.
Sorry if there are spelling errors, just got a new touch screen phone that is not as 'easy to use' as they claim it to be
I really could not have said this better and I completely agree. Anytime I get mad at STBX because he doesn't pick up DS at the time he says he will or he cancels plans at the last minute, I immediately start thinking, 'that's it, I'm going to file for sole custody.' It is 100% emotionally driven. I try to make it about DS by thinking that I don't want him to have to deal with the disappointment of daddy not taking him to the zoo like he promised or whatever. And honestly, I think his dad sucks as a dad just as bad as I thought he sucked as a husband. When he is with him, he is wonderful. But it's him actually making the effort and committment that is lacking. I just can't relate to how he can go a month without seeing him and not be bothered in the least. Anyway, I'm getting off topic.
I finally decided that it's not my decision to make for DS. If he isn't being abused or being put in a dangerous situation or mistreated, then it's really not up to me to decide that he can't have a relationship with his father. He can make that decision on his own someday, I don't want that kind of responsibility.
ETA: I just read some of the responses, and I didn't mean (and don't think the OP did either) that I am gonna ask my kid someday, who do you want to live with, me or daddy? I would never do that. Living arrangements and other serious issues are things to be decided by adults. I meant that if my child decides later in life that he doesn't want a close relationship with his father, at least I will know that it was HIS decision, and not because I stood in the way of them forming a bond when he was a young child.