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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
aforst
member
I REALLY need help! Please! (long)
aforst
member
I went to pick DS up from daycare today. He's goes to an in-home daycare. I was told by our dcp that DS has been biting. She said it's not everyday, but it has been more frequently lately. He bit the same little girl twice today, even after he got in trouble/time out the first time. She said one of the little boys parents complained about being bit. She told me that she is putting him on probation and if his biting continues, he we not be allowed to come back to daycare. She said that she is sure that we have not seen him biting at home b/c we don't have any other kids here. So, basically, there is nothing we can do to try to fix the problem at home.
It took all I had not to cry while I was talking to her. I fully understand that the other parents are upset that he's biting. I guess I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. It's hard being told that your sweet little boy is bad and may not be able to come back to daycare. He used to bite us when he was younger, but hasn't done that in a long time. There have also been several times that I've picked him up from daycare and he's had cuts or brusies from someone pushing him down, tripping him, whatever. To me, it's just part of daycare. I have never heard of anyone else being on probation.
To make matters worse, I called my mom to tell her what happened. She basically told me that she didn't blame the other parents for being upset. She basically told me that it's my fault b/c I won't spank him. She thinks we are too "easy" on him. He gets timeouts, we get upset w/ him, he gets put in his room until he cools down, etc. I cannot accept that spanking him is the only form of punishment that will work. He does have a tendency to hit when he's frustrated, and now, he's biting at daycare.I also told her that he's not doing it at home. So, what am I supposed to do, spank him for something he did 5 hours ago? That makes no sense and will do nothing to correct the problem. Is there really no other way to correct these issues? Oh, she also thinks I should call his pedi and tell them he's been biting and see what they suggest. I think it seems a little silly to call the pedi and tell them that my 2 y.o. is biting. Again, I am not with him when he's doing the biting, so I can't correct it.
So, I have basically had 2 people today tell me how bad my little boy is. It's breaking my heart. Does anyone have any suggestions? Anything to make me feel that I'm not doing a horrible job raising my son?
Thanks if you got this far, I appreciate it.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I REALLY need help! Please! (long)
DD has had issues at an in-home daycare with biting as well, but luckily the only kid she bites (so far, knock-on-wood) is her cousin.
I don't really have any advice, but I understand what you are going through. She doesn't bite at home, and it's not like I can reason with a 2 year old after I pick her up for something that happened several hours earlier. She won't remember!
I do "talk" with her at night when we're winding down for bedtime. I'll rock her in the chair and talk about how teeth are for food only, etc.
I understand how other parents get upset when their kid come home with a bite mark, but they need to understand that it's a natural reaction for a frustrated toddler and get over it.
First, I'm really sorry that you're dealing with this. I can imagine how hard it must be to have people telling you that your kid isn't perfect (since that's how we see our kids). Try not to let them get you down.
As for your mother's spanking suggestion.. not a good idea. All that will teach him is that it's ok to inflict pain on someone when they do something wrong or that you don't like. Which is what he is basically already doing. Most likely, he is biting these other kids because they do something he doesn't like. Spanking him will only perpetuate the problem.
I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't. I am half tempted to call my mom and ask her, because my younger brother got kicked out of 2 daycares/preschools for biting at that age. He is 16 now, so I'm not sure she will remember how the problem was solved, if it was.
Again, I'm sorry. I really hope you can get this worked out.
Honestly? this would annoy the hell out of me. They need to help you and explain more. When does it happen? Do they try and prevent it? what do they do specifically to discipline?
My DD bit her friend on the face a few months ago. DCP (in-home also) wasn't really upset because she has been doing this for 20 years and has seen a lot of kids go through phases that when corrected, go away. She was upset she missed it and sad the other girl got hurt. I, of course, apologized to her friends mom but its because we are friends so I got lucky! She didn't bite again for months and did recently. I talked to DCP about how she disciplines/what I think will work, etc. She has been keeping an eye on it and if looks like she is going to bite, stops her before she does it.
Another suggestion- can you spend a day there? watch in action and see what is going on. Worth it if he might get kicked out.
as for your little baby, he's just a baby and they need to learn things. Don't listen to your mom- that's crazy.
Put yourself in the other parent's shoes. It's pretty hard to come pick up your baby and see a bite mark. That parent feels horrible that his/her child was hurt. And I disagree that it is a normal part of being in daycare or being a toddler. Not every child bites and it should not be treated as a normal occurance. Human bites that break the skin can cause serious infection.
When I have looked at daycares, I always ask about the biting policy. Most daycares I have talked to will dismiss a child for repeated biting. That said, I know that I could very easily become the parent of the biter.
In that case, I would try to understand what triggers the biting and perhaps have to look for childcare arrangements which better suit my child.
We are going through the exact same thing! My son is 19 months. He also used to bite us when he was little. He has alway been orally fixated. Still puts everything in his mouth. He is extremely verbal and the other kids in his daycare are not. I think that might be part if it. I consulted a behavior therapist. She was very helpful. It is totaly developmentally appropriate for them to test the waters and explore. We do firm time outs following the same routine. We also worked on emotions and now when he does something he says, " mommy sad, or mommy happy" . I also got a book, called tails are not for pulling. and one for biting. Eventually they will learn what is accepted. The behavior therpist explained that he is clearly thriving on the negative attention his teachers are giving him. My son's teachers should acutally have been interviening and catching it before it happens. You can usually tell when it is about to happen. It is also so important for the teacher to praise him almost constantly at this point when he demonstrates a good behavior. Biting is not our only issue- he is also hitting. I totally understand how you feel. It is the worst feeling in the world to walk in to pick up your baby and then you are met with a laundry list of his wrong doings. Your son is good boy, he is just in different situation at daycare and probably feels threatened or bored. I know it is hard to think of finding another placement, but you might want to find one that knows how to handle typical behavior issues. You are right not to spank. Also, don't bite him back (many websites and books say this is ok to do) It acutally completely reiterates this behavior.
Hang in there! We can email if your ever want to chat about this some more! Mommies of "Chompers" needs to stick together!My email is sharirose629@gmail.com
Good Luck!