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Single Parents
Question about becoming a single parent
I am currently still with my BF. Our son is 11 weeks old. I still live with my parent's because I am still in college and I can not support 5 people. I'll explain. My BF has 2 other children that he gets on the weekends. He does work but 51% of his paycheck is gone in child support since he owes back on it. So he has NO money. I have done everything finacially up to this point. Paid all the hopital bills, our son is on my insurance, I buy clothes, diapers, ect. He hasn't helped much because he really cant. I understood in the beginning but I feel like my son is being jipted. He provides for his other 2 kids through child support and what ever they need when they are with him. My son gets nothing but his time, if even that. He doesn't get up with him in the middle of the night when I do stay with him and we dont agree on much when it comes to him. I was surprised he didnt argue with me about who was going to claim him on our taxes. Of course, I claimed him because I am his PRIMARY care giver! But Im at a loss. I dont know what to do. I still love him, but he is not helping me and that makes me find him less and less attractive every day. He does play with him and talk to him. But, to be a parent you can't just take the "fun parts." Not that it's not all fun but come on, help me! Granted, I dont ask for a lot because I dont want him to feel bad that he can't help as much as he might like to. But, a little something might help. All i find ourselves doing is fighting because I dont live there or that he doesnt get to see him enough. Which I take every open oportunity of my day to make sure he gets to see him. I dont want our son to grow up and see us fighting and think thats normal or okay. HELP! I dont knw what to do.
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Re: Question about becoming a single parent
Communication is key. If you can't sit down and tell him exactly how you feel and what you need, your never going to get through this. If you talk to him and he's not willing to try and make it better, then I would consider leaving.
If hes not willing to work on things to make them better you need to discuss visitation, or go to the court house and find out what it is that you need to do in order to get child support and visitation set up.
If you do still love him, I would try to make it work, as long hes willing to try and make it work. If you can't make it work, you can't make it work, but at least you can say you gave it a chance, and didn't just give up!
Good luck.
Thank you for your advice. Sometimes I think that he thinks I should be paying for everything because I make more money than he does. I ahve tried to sit down and have a cival conversation with him but he usually get deffensive and shuts the conversation down. He says I always make all the decision for our son, which he right. For the most part I do. But he is always with me. I should have the right to do so. Hopefully this will all work it self out. Im emotionally exhausted and I dont want to put my LO through anything he doesnt have to. I want his dad to be in his life.
Gyped (not jipted) is an offensive term. Please do not use it.
How old are you? How old is your boyfriend?
Honestly, I think I'd dump the mofo - your post is riddled with all sorts of red flags here. Do yourself a favor and file for child support and visitation.
And just maybe, one day, this guy will learn to double-bag that sh!t before he gets someone else knocked up.
Let's see, this oxygen thief has probably been behind on his CS since you've known him (because these things don't happen overnight) and you really expected him to man up and be an active, responsible father to your kid?
Dump his ass and spend the next 18 years raising your kid and not dating. Clearly you can't be trusted to make wise decisions in that realm. Otherwise stop complaining about the mess you willingly put yourself and your 100% innocent child into. That's my advice.
Might I ask why you squeezed out a kid with some bum who 1-)already has 2 kids and 2-)is good for nothing and 3-)can't provide for the kids he already has?????
THAT'S your main issue...desparate for a guy. What a paragon of virtue HE is.
What college is this that you attend? There are no such words as dont, thats, ect and jipted.
And you were seriously considering supporting FIVE PEOPLE.
Dear, life is too short to waste on a bum...that's what your beloved is: A BUM. He cannot provide for his kids, he doesn't seem to believe in birth control, he sucks as a father (he's way behind in child support payments) to name a few.
AND you've got no future at all with him.
Correction: He won't provide for his kids and he refuses to use birth control.
I love how all the b!tchy responses are from people who don't belong here at all.
I really don't care if people lurk but this really gets on my nerves. I don't go on 0-3 and start posting my advice on how to care for a newborn even if I lurk there sometimes.
Don't belong here? This is a public message board, pumpkin. Anybody can post here. You aren't the internet police.
it maybe in your best interest to be a single parent.
He does not sound like anyone who is a quality SO/DH. You will most likely get more finacial support if he is forced to pay child support. Your child needs a real role model and he is not it. There are way too many red flags that WON'T get better with time, so run NOW away from this hot mess before you get in even deeper than you already are. There are tons of great guys out there capable of being a good step parent and a good SO.
As soon as it is medically feasible for you to go on BC (i don't know if you are still or are breast feeding), i would do that. you don't need another child while you are in college. complete your degree, get a good paying job and support your child and be a good role model for them because he sure as heck isn't ever going to be.
Also..next time, try for guys who 1) have a good job 2) don't have kids they can't afford 3) are actually mature enough for an adult relationship. Don't sell yourself and your kid short.
Me: 34, DH: 32
TTC Since September 2012
Dx-PCOS, Anovulation, highly irregular cycles
March 2013 Comid 50 mg+ TI #1: BFN
April 2013 Clomid mg + TI #2: BFN
IVM#1 Aug 2012: BFN
20 FEB 2014: CP
IUI #1 Clomid 100mg 24 FEB 2014: BFN
IUI #2 Clomid 100mg 21 MAR 2014: BFN
IUI#3 Follistim & trigger 21 May 2014: BFN
IVF #1 Follistim & Menopur: 14R, 9M, 7F, transfered 2 day 3 8 cell embies
Beta #1: 7/30: 41 Beta #2 8/1: 96 Beta #3 8/4: 796 EDD:4/9/15
All WelcomeGee what did you do? Draw, like, a boundary around this board or something like that?
We will post anywhere we wish. Try and stop us.
Seriously. -shakes head-
Why not try being supportive. People are so quick to judge.
They're posting their advice..
I hate when people pull the "so quick to judge" card. People post here for advice and love it when they get what they want to hear but the moment someone drops the truth on them everyone gets defensive...what next..."you don't know me?"
Maybe some of us who lurk and are posting now are single parents or have been a single parent. I for one have been a single mom and there are SO MANY red flags here as PP remarked on.
Sometimes being supportive includes people saying "You know what? This isn't healthy for you or your child. It really is OK to dump the guy. You don't need a 'good enough' reason like cheating or abuse."
I woould consider myself a regular on this board and I have to say I agree with the "lurkers from other boards." In fact I was going to ask if you were involved with my stbxh...
However, while I am not one for puppies and rainbows, she does not need to be attacked and certainly does not deserve the snark.
To OP, kick him to the curb. While I will blame love goggles on the fact that you thought he would change for you and your child, chances are he will not. At least if you file for CS he will have to provide your DC with whats due him financially. If you don't want to give up on the relationship, lay everything out on the table. Tell him you want him to make an effort to help with the childrearing and you want him to work harder at paying off his back CS so you can make a family together eventually. Unfortunately, I have a feeling his efforts will be slim to none. Don't fret though, you are more then welcome on this board..
You mean why not just pat her on the head and say "There, there. You just hang in there, girl. Everything will be all right"? While that may be telling her what she wants to hear, how is it helpful?
That's the difference between support and advice. Support is being told what you want to hear (and nine times out of ten serves no purpose at all) and advice is being told what you need to hear.
Since it never occurred to OP before she allowed him to shoot his sperm into her unprotected eggs, she needs to realize now that he is a deadbeat, he's always been a deadbeat and he always will be a deadbeat and that the best thing she can do for herself and for the completely innocent life she helped to create is to DTMFA and walk away. There is nothing that makes her kid more special than the other kids he refused to support (until the law made him is my guess). She is nothing to him but a warm, willing, stupid hole who is actually considering supporting him and his other children because she is just that desperate to have a man -- any man -- in her life to define her.
To the OP: how much did you know about this guy before you got seriously involved with him???
You had to know about his lack of monetary support for his kids; if you did, you should have RUN LIKE HELL the second you got the news.
If you did not know? Pretty bad: what do you think -- love will cure all? Not gonna happen.
Maybe there were other aspects to the story -- maybe he lied to you and said he was current on support and that he saw the kids often, blah blah -- or you thought he was okay with CS -- but now that you know he's a deadbeat dad, the only thing to do is run like hell and then chalk this up to experience.
AND make sure that you know who you are dealing with FIRST before you get PHYSICALLY INVOLVED...and oh yeah: USING BIRTH CONTROL and CONDOM is prudent, too!
I strongly suggest lots of therapy and calling a dating moratorium for about 3 or 4 years.
And retaining an attorney and going after him for CS: KEY. (and good luck with this one being that he's got 2 prior kids he cannot and won't pay for, evidently...sad)
I'm not saying to go all P&R on her, but she needs advice. She doesn't need the snark remarks.
Love will not cure all, I had learned the hard way. But there might be more to the story here. He could of lied to her in the beginning, and by the time she found out she might have had deep feelings for the guy.
You don't know how her childhood was either. I will use myself as an example. When I met my baby's father he straight out told me he only had one child, and I was fine with it because I didn't think we would get serious. But once we got serious he told me he had another child. I was taken by surprise but I was okay with it. He told me he paid CS and stuff. So I only knew what he was telling me.
But Mia's father showed me a lot of affection and attention that I needed in my life. Because my dad was never really there for me. He always chose work or gambling before our family. So when this person came into my life and showed me all these things I needed, I stuck to him like glue. Was it smart? No, but it's what I needed to feel and hear because it made me feel good. It filled up the spot where I never had it in my life from my father.
I didn't plan to get pregnant, but I though we were safe before he would just pull out every time. Apparently that was a total idiotic thing to think on my part and especially on his part. Once I knew I was pregnant, I didn't expect that my child would differ from the other children. But in Mia's own way she would have a place in his heart. But he doesn't do anything for Mia, he hasn't even met her ever.
All I'm saying is that she could probably do less without the snark, even though I know what you guys are saying. And I agree, cause from my experience I learned.
To OP, you need to talk to him definitely. And if that fails on his part, then tell him he either steps up or he's out. You shouldn't have to support yourself, the baby, him and his kids. No way. And to make it fair, he needs to step up for everybody, not just your child, but the others too. Just because he is a 'good dad' to YOUR child, doesn't mean he should lack parenting on the other two.
From experience, like PP said, love will not cure all. You can have the 'hope bubble' that things will get better, but in all honesty it most likely won't. His track record already says it all there for you. Maybe a wake up call is exactly what he needs, he might be the very FEW people that can actually change and get his *** together.
If it's meant to be it will find it's way back to you. For now, he needs to grow up.
This guy lied to you. Why the heck did you pursue a relationship with a liar???
The OP clearly is desperate for a man -- apparently she finds nothing wrong with seeing a liar and a deadbeat. This is somebody who needs intensive therapy and stat. And this is somebody who shouldn't be permitted to date: we cannot make wise and knowledgeable decisions.
The father of the OP's child isn't going to change. If the OP thinks so -- or you think so -- forget it. Not gonna happen. A person is what he is RIGHT NOW.
Like I said, by that time he confessed about the other child I was already in love. A PP said something about "love goggles" that's basically what happened to me. And this is probably her position in the situation as of right now. & Like I said before, he showed me the things I needed, he filled the space I was missing from what my dad never gave me.
I agree with you that she should leave him, because he is not capable of changing as of right now.
It took me a while to 'wake up' and leave him, after things got really worse between me and him. All we can do is give her our advice though. One day after she has had enough, she will leave.
Let's hope it's before her son learns that men don't have to be responsible for their actions and it's okay them to treat women like nothing more than bank accounts with vaginas.
The only ones I feel sorry for here are the kids. They didn't ask for selfish, irresponsible parents but by God, they've got 'em and they're stuck with them.
Wow, just wow! Of course this is a public message board and ppl have the right to post if they want to, but I find what a lot of ppl posted offensive. This board is a difficult place to be to begin with. It takes a lot of guts to be a single mom and the last thing the OP needs is to be ridiculed the way some posters have done. Why the snark? Can ppl honestly say they have never made a poor decision in their lives when it comes to loving someone? Most of us have been guilty of this at some point in our lives. It really bothers me when posters come off with a "holier than thou" approach. Putting the OP down and telling her to go on a "dating hiatus" for several years isn't beneficial. That isn't what she is asking about. Stick to the question and if you don't have positive or useful advice perhaps it's best to move on to another board. We who post here regularly are dealing with enough without being attacked for asking for advice.
To the OP. I do agree that there are some definite red flags. You are not living with him so this is a huge plus. Do not settle for someone just because he is the biological father. I would venture to say there is probably a lot going on that you don't know about with his other children-especially considering the fact that he owes back child support-red flag! Take it from someone who ignored a lot of red flags, it isn't in your best interest. At least seek counseling to see if your issues can be resolved. But above all, be the best mommy you can be, single or not. Good luck, and you are WELCOME on this board anytime. Do not let the snarky comments deter you. Most of those ppl are not regulars on this board and were likely lurking for drama.
You are completely rude and your responses are out of line. Why don't you move on to wherever you came from and leave your negative comments for another board?
Must be Dr. Laura posting here....only she could think of something THIS idiotic as waiting until the child was 18 to date. Because of course we all should have NO life at all except for to be a parent. It would actually probably be better if we were just banished to a deserted island specifically for single moms, with no men, no running water, and only the basic necessities needed to do nothing but raise our children. It would be the perfect punishment for marrying or having a child with someone who turned out to be not at all who we thought they were. Better to get us out of the way so that we won't be allowed to pollute the population and reproduce again!
give her a break.
this. i don't like posting much here cause one wrong word and then Flames!!!! It's like everyones' pent up anger and animosity vomits out on the OP. and the grammar police run amuck. yep. that is misspelled. you type with a baby asleep in one arm.
shiit, son.
OP, i don't know what to say except that since you are questioning your own moves, you know you may be doing something wrong. listen to that, and do what you feel is right. you don't have to drag him and your baby through the mud- but have some time way from him to get a different perspective. GL! Love goggles gotta come up for a minute...
I'd just like to add something myself. The OP was asking for advice on something on a board labeled for people who might have actually BEEN THROUGH something similar. If she weren't being a responsible parent, she wouldn't be trying to fix it.
the snarky trolls need to take their D0ucheb@ggery somewhere else... or is talking about your perfect family and house with a white picket fence starting to bore you?