Miss you all.... and feeling down recently...

roxyttandme · January 2010

Hi! I have been away for so long... I miss you all dearly. Since DH doesn't want to try right away- I have to pull away from the bump to remove the constant reminder. It became just too much for me.

On another note, I have been in the dump (obvisouly- not the bump) recently. I have been crying at least 3 times a day about Haleigh. I should have a happy and healthy 3 month old at home w/ me right now. I should be struggling w/ the thought that maternity leave is over and I have to drop her off at childcare.... but, I am not. Instead I have a urn in which my baby lives. A cold, empty box - much like my heart.

I asked DH if he still gets upset (cause I haven't seen in cry over Haleigh in like 7 weeks!) and he said he thinks about her a couple times a week. A couple times a week?!?!? I think of her a couple times a hour!!!! I just don't feel like he understands or gets how much I am still suffering from having to say goodbye. It feels like a huge hill that everytime I start to climb it- it grows larger and larger. (I quit my Zoloft - perhaps that was a mistake). In turn- I just don't feel like I have the support from DH on this. Everytime something on TV shows clips of Haiti, or other people going through mourning, I have leave the room cause I start crying.... and then of course DH looks @ me like I am crazy and asks: "Are we going to living in misery forever?" (My mind = you @sshole!)

I guess I feel like I only have you to turn to. My friends IRL are pretty tired of hearing about it... and in turn I feel like a burdon.

Love you all....

Elizabeth

trendymom · January 2010

I am so sorry Elizabeth. I think about you often. I cant imagine how hard things are for you but I truely feel for you. I hope you find some healing soon.

babygirlpriest · January 2010

oh sweetie!!! Smooches and giant squishy hugs-till-you-can't-breathe!!

I'm so, so sorry. I wish I had great words of wisdom but I got nothing. Just wanted to say we're still thinking of and praying for you.

HUGS!!!

Scout05 · January 2010

I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now.

ETA: I just re-read and saw that you are weaning off the Zoloft. Could that be adding to what you are feeling right now? And are you still seeing your counselor?

DoingItRight · January 2010

I am so sorry for what you are having to go though. I cannot imagine what it would be like. I hope that your husband starts supporting you!!

maritzburggirl · January 2010

hugs Elizabeth....you have been through more sadness than anyone should ever have to deal with....please don't ever be scared to ask us (or other people) for support. thinking of you.

Ginaincali · January 2010

Oh sweetie I have missed you too and wondered how you are doing. You cross my mind at least once a day. I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. It must be in the air right now.

I totally understand why you needed to take a bump break. I know when I'm having a baby time the constant reminders are too much. And as happy as you are to hear about BFP sometimes they are so hard to hear as well.

I don't know what it is about our husbands. I never ask Bryan how much he thinks of Bryanna because I don't think I could stand to hear the answer. Just remember that you have us when you need us. We are always here for you. I hope you start feeling better soon. Those tears are rough...some days you wonder if they will ever stop.

CLAYLIOVER · January 2010

::hugs:: i am so sorry you are going through this.

sevenonesix · January 2010

I am so sorry about everything you're going through. It's so hard getting past any loss, let alone when you feel like youre alone in the journey.

I don't think DH means to say that it isn't as important to him as it is to you by only thinking about her "a few times a week". Men just go through grief much differently.

Have you been through any grief therapy yet? Also, did you take yourself off Zoloft or did your doctor progressively lower your dosage?

At any rate, I hope you find the support you need from your DH, can you have a conversation with him about it? Thinking about you and your family. *hugs*

denise_m · January 2010

I am really, really sorry.

I do believe that men suffer differently. And for many, the first year is more like a year of shock and the second year after the loss is much harder for them once reality sets in.

You are entitled to grieve as much as you feel you need to for as long as you need to. The average recovery period is between 1-3 years, and even then you don't get over it, you just get used to the new you.

The pain of waking up every day missing a part of your family is not something that can be cured in 7 weeks. Acknowledging the loneliness of not being able to hold, cuddle and raise your daughter is not something that would or ever should be shamed.

Lots and lots of big hugs

ade2be · January 2010

HUGS Elizabeth. I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. You have been through a lot already. I agree with PP, that if you're not already seeing a counsler, you should.

Our husbands greieve much different than we do. I hope you guys can learn how to support each other through this. We're here to support you however we can, but I understand you needing to take a break from thinking about it too.

You'll be in my prayers.

roxyttandme · January 2010

ambrandau2:

I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now.

I want to say this in a way that sounds supportive, so please forgive me if it comes off any other way:

I really am worried that you are dealing with a real depression right now (not just grief, but something deeper and harder to grapple with.) I know you were seeing a counselor, and I hope you still are, but have you given any thought to seeing an actual psychiatrist and maybe exploring anti-depression meds? I know, that sounds really extreme, but depression runs heavily in my family, and I know from experience that sometimes, you just need someone to help you get through the storm.

We are here for you whenever you need to vent, but it sounds like the sadness is just worsening for you, and I hate seeing you like this. We all know you never "get over" your loss, but I want you to be able to move forward in some way at the same time.

I'm so sorry if that was overreaching on my part, and I know you will do the right thing for you. It just breaks my heart to know you are so sad.

No, I don't think you are overreacting.... I think I am dealing w/ some depression. I was on Zoloft and quit- cause I really didn't see how it was helping me. I have slept w/out sleep aid the past two nights in a row (which makes 5 times total in almost 6 months) - so there is at least "some" improvement. Sleep has been a huge issue w/ me.

I was seeing a psychiatrist for a while... but, quit that too. After a few meetings, I felt like we talked about everything we could talk about. I didn't feel like it was getting me anywhere also. I have never truly believed in therapy "for me," and therefore, my walls were always up to some degree.

I guess I just don't know how to let her go. How do you be a mother w/out a child? I just can't wrap my brain around it. In addition, I think I have real issue w/ the amount of suffering that my baby endured. I can't comprehend how terrible her life was. I know she knows/knew that she is loved... and I like to think that she felt the same bond I did w/ her... but, she suffered so much. People try to tell me that at that gestation- babies can't feel... but, the fact of the matter is... even Dr's don't know when sensation begins. If she felt the pain associated w/ amputations... I just don't know how to get over that.

Thanks for the kind thoughts, hun. I so don't take offense... I know you are speaking from a place of care and consideration.

Love ya'!

pepomntpat · January 2010

I hope you will reconsider the therapy and medication. Please realize that you don't have to stick with the same person. Shop around until you find someone you click with. Really, talking to a therapist should be like talking to a friend that can give really good advice. {{hugs}}

kona08 · January 2010

I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain you feel. I am so so so sorry. I wish I could give you a huge hug. You are not a burden! Your feelings are 100% real. HUGS

CLoughry22 · January 2010

I was just thinking about you the other day. Im sorry you are feeling so down (you have ever right to feel this way), and Im sorry that DH isn't being as comforting as he should be (men are weird). Lots of big hugs to you. And, you are not alone in crying....I can't listen to the radio anymore because almost every song makes me cry. You will never be a burdon to us, come talk, cry, vent whenever you want!

redstars93 · January 2010

I am so sorry I think of you often and just wanted to send you BIG {{{hugs}}}

RE: the meds/treatment: Have you tried switching? Every med is not for everyone. Please try to give it another try. It took my mom 3 tries before she found the right type and dosage and it has made a huge improvement for her.

OCIrishBruin · January 2010

(hugs) Everyone has to heal at their own pace. Don't feel bad if your pace is slower than your DH's.

denise_m · January 2010

roxyttandme:

I guess I just don't know how to let her go. How do you be a mother w/out a child?

To be honest, you don't. She is a part of you and when she left, she took a piece of your heart that you will never get back.

You are still so early in your grief journey and I promise you that over time, the tears will be a little less frequent and you will gain better control of your emotions. Of course, for a while that will lead to guilt, but it is completely and totally normal.

It is really, really hard to accept the fact that your child is not with you. There is this quote/picture that always makes me cry:

"While I dreamed of teaching you about God, He is instead teaching you about us."

The loss of a baby or a child is something that no mother should have to endure.

We go to the cemetery every Sunday. One of the most heartbreaking things to me used to be seeing the grave markers for still born and premature babies from the 50s and 60s whose plots are still tended to on a regular basis. I would see their parents there still weeping for their lost child and it would absolutely break my heart. It was so hard to think that they had lived the last 40-50 years in so much pain and misery. And I was so scared, I just didn't know if I could do that. But then, over time, I realized that it wasn't that they lived in so much pain and misery as they had so much love for their child that they still thought about, loved and cared for them decades later.

Your life will never be the same and I am truly sorry for that. With us, it's hard knowing that once we have another LO, we will never again have a family picture with the entire family in it. We will always have a Christmas stocking that doesn't get ripped open right away.We will always be missing a part of our family and that rips my heart apart. But, I will always love him, he will always be my son and I will always care for him. And I am getting used to that.

One of the best things I've think we've done is keep his name alive. We walk for the march of dimes every year and we do things in his memory. We talk about him and remember him.

90% of marriages that lose a child fail in the first year. I do not want that to be you, keep the lines of communication open. Keep a journal and let him read it, tell him how much it still hurts.

I am really sorry I wish there was someway we could have magic wands to go back in time and "fix" things.

tarynhd · January 2010

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice, just wanted to say that I think of you often.

ihearteddieboo · January 2010

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sending thoughts, prayers and hugs your way!

rabstbmom · January 2010

Please forgive me for butting in without much introduction (I was on here a couple months ago but right after introducing myself I got a BFP, which resulted in another loss so I've been lurking here again the past few days). I had actually read your story a while back and I just read your post about not feeling like therapy was really helping you. I'm not sure if you were seeing (for lack of a better term) an all-purpose therapist or someone who deals specifically with the issues you are facing.

The reason I ask is I work as the fundraiser for an organization that provides counseling specifically for domestic violence victims. It's not uncommon for us to have clients who have already gone to counseling elsewhere but the counselor they saw was more focused on "marriage counseling" (like both parties are trying to work at the relationship) or just doesn't have the expertise to recognize the abuse, etc. Once people come here, they finally get the help they need.

I know in my city, there is at least one woman who specializes in helping families dealing with issues more related to what folks on this site are dealing with. Her whole focus is on supporting women through their journey towards motherhood, so her work consists of everything from providing counseling to women/couples after a miscarriage to providing pre-natal yoga classes. As a result, she probably has experience and a perspective different from other counselors. Other therapists might deal with depression or grief even, but dealing with someone who is grieving over the loss of a parent or spouse, say, would be different than someone who has lost a child, and that difference really does need to be recognized.

I'd be happy to PM with you about this a bit more, if you'd like. I just hate to see you give up on something that I think could really help you, but sometimes you have to work a bit to find someone that will really listen and be able to provide the right kind of help.

sinisterkat01 · January 2010

I am a little late to reply, but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are feeling this way lately. I think it is completely natural, and I wouldn't expect someone to be "back to normal" in 3 months. From what I have read on these boards, and from my own DH, they do not seem to experience the same level of grief that mothers do. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be in your situation. I hope that you start feeling more like yourself soon. Very big (((HUGS))).

Erin RN · January 2010

I'm so sorry (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

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