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i know im not the only one

Somethingclever25Somethingclever25 member
in Stay at Home Moms

serious complaint coming your way..... :)

I am so sick of being lonely. I am bored and stir crazy. My hubs works, and when hes not working hes golfing, and when he not golfing hes drinking, and when hes not drinking, hes sitting his butt on the couch, and the list goes on and on and on. I do EVERYTHING alone. from morning till night if it involves the kids or the house i do it all. I have no friends i have no life. I am SUPER blessed to be the one who stays home with the kids. I love love love my job. I am just sad and tired of being the only parent. i am sick of being thought of last. I need something to change and i dont know how to get it. i have exhausted all options and nothing is helping. AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

thanks i needed that. now im going to sit on the floor and cry in my hands.

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Re: i know im not the only one

  • MAprincessMAprincess member
    You need to have a serious talk with your DH.  when you had children BOTH of your lives should have changed.  You didn't become the slave.  I am lucky that my DH takes the kids for a bit when he gets home from work and also gets up with them on Saturdays and lets me sleep in.  Actually, I am not "lucky"- he should WANT to do those things and he does:-)  A good father should want to spend that time with his family and help raise his children.  I am sorry you are feeling like you are but your DH needs to hear this.
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  • PinkMnM26PinkMnM26
    I agree with PP. Before your dh gets any more time to himself you need to get some time to yourself where you can take a bath or hang out with your friends or go shopping or something. Once he spends some time with the kids alone he will realize what you do and will appreciate you more. He only does all those things b/c you let him get away with it---I'm sorry, but you do teach others how to treat you, you need to speak up or it will never change.
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  • Somethingclever25Somethingclever25 member

    Thanks ladies for the advice. Sadly I have told him how i feel I have told him many many many times. He always says things will change he will be better he will try harder. We always end up back in the same spot. When I say I have tried it all I really mean it. I have tried wording things different, making a mom night, and so on. Things just always come right back to here. the point where i am exhausted of trying and confused as to how he thinks its ok for him to do whatever the hell he wants with no regard for the family. I just keep hoping things will get better but its always something else. And its hard to keep bringing things up without suddenly being the nagging wife.

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  • cp760cp760
    In a two-parent household, there should be two parents parenting...not just one! Find a reason to leave dh with the kids for a few days alone and I bet he'll get a swift kick in the behind to how hard it is and that it is a shared responsibility. I hope one day he'll see how much you do and will start helping out.
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  • ariel06ariel06 member

    Is there any way you guys can try to schedule time for you as a couple and time for the whole family to spend together?  Or is there any part of your kids' schedule that can be something that daddy does with them? Dh just started to be the one that reads DS a story before bed and does most of the bedtime routine. 

    Maybe just try to change things in baby steps.  I know my DH let me do pretty much everything because I like things done a certain way.  I've really  been trying to do a better job of asking him to help me in very specific ways.

    Also is there a place for you to meet some mommy friend for support?   I know I would be lost with the other moms (and dads) that I have met from MOPS and ECFE. 

     

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  • Somethingclever25Somethingclever25 member
    i like both finding a reason to be gone for a few days it would have to be a super good reason though. i also like baby steps. if i could start a couple things at a time and be consistent in having his help maybe it would stick and he would be more involved. he complains about having to help with bedtime routines because he says its my job im the stay at home mom and he has been at work all day he just wants to relax. the whole time im thinking when do i get to relax? but if i start small maybe i could get him involved without realizing it. so frustrating. thanks ladies for all your ideas.
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  • lms_bridelms_bride

    Heather, hang in there... sorry to hear you are having a tough time.  Your husband does sound like he needs a bit of a reality check, but in some ways I know how you feel.  My husband is definitely around the house plenty after work and on weekends, but he does leave most of the kid duties to me in terms of baths, bedtime, meal preparation, etc.  He helps out on the weekends, thank goodness, but he is definitely not as generous with helping as some of the husbands that are mentioned on the bump so I don't want you to think that you have a horrible guy on your hands, or that he is an anomaly.  As your subject line suggests, you're not the only one: the degree of a husband being involved just seems to vary significantly between couples, from what I have observed.

    After seeing the other posters' responses, I like the baby steps idea too.  I think the best one you can do immediately is find something for you to do 1-2x/month where you HAVE to leave the kids with him in the evening or part of a weekend day.  Make sure your husband knows the day/time and that he is going to be in charge, etc and go do whatever you have scheduled.  And the other baby step is to schedule a family activity every week for same time/same day (whether its movie night, zoo trip, walk to the park, whatever).  Scheduling things will probably help your baby steps.

    Last but not least... have you considered going to a marriage counselor with him?  NOT because you have major problems but because having a mediator and impartial third party could be a huge help to both of you to see what the other person sees and feels.  (Honestly I think about this sometimes too for various issues we have...)

    My response ended up being way longer than I intended but I hope this helps!  Hang in there... 

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  • Mc_NewlywedMc_Newlywed member

    I agree with the other ladies.  I just wanted to add that sometimes talking about the issues without a clear game plan doesn't work for some men.  When he says "I'll try harder" that makes you feel better but then one, two, three weeks can go by and he hasn't made any offerings or anything so you get frustrated all over again.  I think it has to be very structured - you say "this day and that day I'm doing xyz and you'll have the kids".   Doesn't matter what you do when you're out as long as  it's relaxing to you.   Even if you just go sit at your local bookstore and have a cup of coffee - it's out and it's a chance for you to meet & interact with people.  

    And definitely try to find some kind of mother's group in your area.  It helps SO MUCH to have someone to commiserate with!   

    Being a SAHM is hard.  And until you do it, it's hard for people to understand what it's really about.  I'll bet your husband just doesn't get it.  But the more he's home with the kids alone the more he will!  

    Good luck!!  


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  • wheelsonthebuswheelsonthebus member
    I could have written this post, sadly. You are so not alone.

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  • jnksmomjnksmom member
    You are not the only one...I could have written your post as well. And just like you I have talked to DH MANY times about this and he says he will do better and nothing ever changes. We have also talked about marriage counseling for other issues as well but he says that one day and the next changes his mind. BUT things are really bad right now so I am going to bring it up again and we are going...no changing our minds again.  GL to you.. I hope you find something that works for you.
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  • Princess_ArielPrincess_Ariel member

    As you mentioned, you need some time to relax from your job just as much as he does.  But then, he needs to give you a hand.

    To "force" his hand in this, perhaps without him even noticing, start off one evening by giving him a choice between two things such as, "Honey, would you like to get the kids ready for bed or clean the kitchen?"  That's a small task that can continue, perhaps with some variance, every day.

    A larger step would be to divide household & childrearing tasks between the two of you.  Let him pick which ones he wants, but be sure that they're not essential to you.  You can remind him once what needs to be done, but that's it.  If he doesn't do it, it doesn't get done.  If the kitchen stays dirty, or the lawn doesn't get mowed, or the children go to bed in their (non-flammable) day clothes, it's not going to kill anybody, but it will become a nuisance, at least.  If he complains about any of these things, gently remind him that it's his responsibility to do something about it.  I say gently, but I find myself yelling at DH, "So get out the vacuum cleaner & vacuum!" after he complains for the fifth time.

    GL!

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