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Postpartum Depression
Traumatic birth story (long)
I'm still in the hospital right now.
My water broke at about 6am on Saturday, January 16th. We had been planning a home birth and for a long time everything went relatively smoothly. On Monday, January 18th, I still hadn't delivered. I was at 8 centimeters and 90% effaced, but the baby would not descend. Her heart rate was good, my blood pressure, temperature and other vitals turned out fine. We were also doing IV antibiotics so infection was not a major concern. The problem turned out to be strictly positional. DD had her arms in a chicken wing kind of position that kept her from descending. We spent a few hours trying herbal tinctures and I had one chiropractic adjustment to try and correct the issue, but at 3pm my midwife team, DH and I decided that we needed to go to the hospital.
Since there was no emergency for DD (just didn't want to risk one by allowing labor to continue any longer and thereby risk one developing) we decided to drive to an out of area hospital. We did this because I had had several bad experiences with our closest hospital, and the out of town hospital was also more natural birth friendly. They have a midwife group in their L&D and we all felt they would give us a better reception.
When we got to the hospital everything went well up until DD was born. They admitted me and I was assigned a midwife who had previously worked with my home birth midwife,which made me much more comfortable. I was given a low dose of pitocin to nudge DD's descent along. In the end I also ended up taking the epidural. I had been in labor so long at that point that I was running out of strength to push. DD arrived at 8:52am on Tuesday, January 19th.
The whole birth is a blur to me. I remember DD being handed to me but they took her and gave her to DH almost right away. I still do not fully understand everything that happened, and I get the impression that I still haven't been given all the details.
I know that the reason they took DD from me so quickly was that I started hemorrhaging almost immediately while delivering the placenta. I woke up in the ICU late Tuesday night and was told that I had had an emergency hysterectomy. The hemorrhaging happened because my placenta had grown attached to and merged with my uterus. It could not be separated. I'm told the condition is called Placenta Increta. There was no way to predict that I had any risk for this condition. It occurs in less than 5% of women according to what I was told by the surgeon. A hysterectomy was the only option.
Since I got out of the ICU I've found out that I had to have 6 blood transfusions. I apparently lost about 7 pints of blood from the hemorrhaging in less than an hour. Later I learned that I went into a coma at one point, and that I had to be resuscitated several times as well (from the way the resuscitation was described I'm pretty sure I flat lined on the operating table). I had 4 IVs placed when I woke up. One in each hand, one in my right arm and one on the left side of my neck. I also had a central line placed on the right side of my neck, and a catheter. I haven't had a shower since Sunday night and I'm still on basically a liquid diet at this point.
Yesterday, just as my mom and dad had gotten in to see me, one of the anesthesiologists who was on my surgical team burst into my recovery room and said he had to see me for himself. He was obviously shocked that I was alive, let alone recovering. I've had at least 2 nurses assigned to me 24 hours a day and I know that isn't standard either.
I was released from the ICU and transferred back to L&D late on Wednesday afternoon. I finally got to see DD at that point.
As illogical as I realize this is, I feel like a total failure as a mother right now. I can't hold her. Even though the IVs have been removed (I just have the central line in my neck now), my hands are swollen to about twice their normal size. I'm barely able to move my left arm at all (I was given several intramuscular injections while I was still out of it). I just don't have the physical strength. We tried to just lay her on my chest but I couldn't tolerate that either because it put too much pressure on my incision (I'm told it had to be done laterally because there wasn't enough time).
I only just started to pump colostrum for her this morning. I'm upset that she has had to be formula fed up to now because of what happened to me. Fortunately they at least had soy-free formula (I have severe food allergies and soy is one of them).
DH has been incredibly supportive. I can tell he's exhausted but he's stayed the whole time and looked after DD. He's been cup feeding her so that I don't have to worry about her getting confused when I do (hopefully this week) start breast feeding her.
I'm not even sure how I feel right now. I'm very grateful to even be alive but I'm upset that I can't do more for my daughter, and I'm sad that DH and I will not be able to have more children now. We had both wanted a large family (4 or 5 kids ideally). I know we can adopt but the idea that I'll never have another baby is still hard for me. I'm thankful that my surgeon, even though time was very short, still left my other reproductive organs intact. I'm told that because of this any problems I have with hormone levels, sexual arousal, etc will at least be minimized. I'm worried about how this will affect my health insurance premiums (we have COBRA now but its running out and expensive so we have to by private shortly) and I'm in pain since we started to try and reintroduce solid foods. I want a shower more than anything, and of course I still can't have one because of the central line in my neck.
I asked my nurse to get me a psychologist or counselor to speak with. I think it would help me to talk all this through and I'm hoping they'll be able to fully explain what happened to me. I think in the long run all of this will be easier for me to accept if I know.
If you got this far, thanks for reading. I just really needed to get this off my chest.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Traumatic birth story (long)
Wow, I'm not even sure what to say first. That is a horrible situation that you are in. First and foremost congratulations on the birth of your daughter! That is such a blessing.
I'm so sorry that you ended up having a hysterectomy, that has to be a devastating feeling for you and your family. I know that you are grateful to be alive after that situation, but it doesn't take the pain away. That is just going to take time to heal from, it is a grieving process. You are grieving the loss of your uterus and future babies. Take all of the time that you need to heal and don't let anyone tell you how to feel.
Once you get home and are ready I would recommend contacting the hospital and your home birth midwife and request your medical records. Make sure the hospital includes everything. When you go to the hospital and have an emergency like that you see A LOT of doctors and you want to make sure to get the records that include all of them. For example you want the surgeon's report, the pathology report (they usually do one anytime something is removed from your body), blood test results, anestheisiologist's report, the attending doctor...etc. Just make it clear to them that you want everything related to your stay.
Then when you are ready you have your records there and you can read them and process it all. You will have everything there in black and white, no personal opinions and no details forgotten due to lack of memory on the doctor or nurse's part. I really think this might help you to heal.
The idea to see a psychologist to talk to is a great one. Try to have your family search for someone in the area and it would help if the psychologist has experience in counseling women with postpartum depression or similar situations. Also don't forget your midwife has been trained in counseling women and she was there with you. She would be a great person to schedule an appt with just to sit and talk with her and process the event and all the million zillion feelings that go with it.
I know by reading your story that you are a fighter and you can work through this in time. You are a strong woman and you will get through this. It is not going to be easy, but you've already been through the worst. There is no where to go but up from here...in your own time.
Please continue to try breastfeeding your baby; it will help with bonding too. The two of you haven't had much of a chance to bond since she's been on the outside of your body and you need that time. Maybe the nurses or DH can bring you the baby and then leave the room for 15-20 mins and give you two time alone, together. You are a great mom, you have already proved that! You fought tooth and nail to be with your daughter and now you are. That is something that you need to be really proud of. Heck, I don't even know you and I'm proud of you for that.
Ask to have the hospital's lactation counselor come visit with you and have a family member look up your local La Leche League group, maybe you can attend a meeting in the future when you feel better.
Don't forget there are hospital chaplains if you are religious/spiritual and need to talk to someone right away.
Feel free to PM me anytime that you want if you would like to chat. Cry when you need to, get angry when you need to, be happy when you can, love your baby and your family always and try to laugh once a day.
Good luck!
How scary for you and your family. I don't think there could be enough words to express how sorry I am that you had to go through all of that. It is wonderful to hear that you will be able to speak to a counselor in the hospital. Hopefully that will bring you some understanding, peace and closure. Remember you will have the support of the ladies on this board. Best of luck to you for a speedy recovery. I hope you can have that baby in your arms, soon.
((Hugs))
wow. I'm so sorry, that must have been scary. I hope you get someone to talk to today...but you are NOT a failure at all. You are an incredibly strong woman to have made it through that, and you will be a great mother.
Let us know how your recovery goes!
You are NOT a failure. YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!! and u have already proven that!
Congratulations on your baby!!!!
First, I'm incredibly happy to hear that you are beginning your healing process (physically). I'm sure you're exhausted by all that's happened. I, too, had a very traumatic birth experience and want to tell you that you will get through it. You won't ever get over it, but it will be something you accept in the future.
I'm really proud of you to recognize you need counseling. That is a big step in healing. I also just want to mention that there is a possibility of PTSD with traumatic births, which happend to me (PTSD I mean). I am obviously not a doctor and wouldn't begin to try to put a dx on your situation, but this might be helpful to speak with the counselor about. There are some therapists out there who treat that.
Again, so happy to hear you're still with us and I truly wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted.
I am so sorry that you had to endure that. It is a scary story and you are reacting totally normally. You have been through so much. Please feel free to lean on us. I promise things will get better when you physically start feeling better, but the psychologist is the right choice. Anyone would need one after that birth.
Enjoy your new sweetheart though!
First, Congratulations on your new baby! Secondly, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been trying to PM you, but for some reason it's not sending. I have a very similar birth story and wanted to let you know that I truly understand what you are going through. If you want to talk please feel free to PM me.
Best of luck and wishing you a speedy recovery.
Chuppa -- I'm so, so sorry. You posted on MM that you'd had a difficult delivery, but I had no idea.
I thought I'd had a difficult delivery, but it was nothing like yours. I think you are absolutely doing the smart thing to ask to see a counselor. Push them if they don't get you one asap, and make sure you have someone you can see once you leave the hospital.
I really can't give you any advice about mourning the loss of future children. I can't imagine how shocking that would be.
But one thing I can say is that after DD's birth, one of the things I regret most is that I didn't document it the way I wanted to. I'd brought the video camera, the regular camera, extra batteries and chargers because I just knew I'd want to capture every second. But, once I started fainting and things started going a bit wrong, I forgot all about all of that. I have 2 pictures of me in the hospital, and only because my MIL took them with her phone. So, even though you feel like total crap and you don't think you're going to want to ever look at a picture of yourself the way you look now, get someone to take a picture of you and your daughter. Even though you can't hold her, she can be held up by your face, she can maybe be set on your chest.
Also, if you're the type of person that processes things by writing, write out your "birth story." No, it won't be anything like the happy ones you read on the Bump all the time. But it's yours and your daughter's. And even though it was totally crappy and horrible, it is your experience, and (believe it or not), one day you'll want to remember all your emotions and experiences. Like how much you loved your daughter and wanted desperately to hold her and be with her no matter how much you'd been through. That alone is something your daughter will treasure one day.
What I try to tell myself is to focus on my daughter and how wonderful and perfect she is, not on how the birth wasn't what I imagined.
You are such a fighter. You're incredible for already pumping. Don't worry at all about the fact that your daughter had formula. That's why they make it -- so that babies whose moms can't nurse them are still able to eat and thrive. If you do want to continue nursing, get a LC to see you stat (keep bugging the nurses if you have to). She can help you with positions once you're better and able to nurse and also with pumping.
One last thing (if you're even still reading this novel). After a traumatic birth, it's common to have trouble bonding with the baby. If that happens to you, it is totally normal, and you shouldn't beat yourself up. I felt like a horrible mother for a while because I didn't feel like Iwas bonded enough to DD.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
You got great advice and good for you for asking for a counselor.
The fact that you are even worrying about your baby shows how strong a mother's instinct and love can be. Don't feel guilty. I know that is easy for me to say but you have just undergone 2 extremely major procedures- have a baby and having the hysterectomy. You have the rest of your life with that sweet little girl- that is what you can focus on. You will be there when she smiles, coos, goes to dance class, graduates from high school- etc.
(((hugs)))