anyone with a difficult/rocky relationship with mom?

nursecynthia · January 2010

Anyone else out there with a difficult or rocky relationship with their mother?

How do you deal with it? Its so hard when expecting your first child is such a happy time, but I don't know if my mom's even going to be a part of it.

sleepingbeauty825 · January 2010

My mom has disowned me four times since my wedding, including once on our wedding day. She's nuts, I try to keep a level head and she gets over it. Now that I'm having a baby, I like that she's only hurting herself when she throws one of her tantrums.

baby-86 · January 2010

It is very hard. My relationship with my mother is always on and off. I fear it is only going to get worse after the baby is here. She is going to realize one day that I don't trust her to babysit or do normal grandmother type things.

RickeyandDani · January 2010

Wow that's gotta be hard because I know that one's mom is one person we typically want involved. I personally can't identify, but I can say that you are about to be a mommy and this is your chance to be the mom you always wanted to have. You can't undo the past, you can't make people change, but you DEFINITELY can control what you do in your own life and who's involved in it and to what degree of involvement they have. Just make decisions to the best of your ability knowing that you made the best decision you could for yourself and your family at that time with the given circumstances. You have every right to feel how you feel about your situation. This forum can be a great source of support.

Appro1 · January 2010

RickeyandDani:
Wow that's gotta be hard because I know that one's mom is one person we typically want involved. I personally can't identify, but I can say that you are about to be a mommy and this is your chance to be the mom you always wanted to have. You can't undo the past, you can't make people change, but you DEFINITELY can control what you do in your own life and who's involved in it and to what degree of involvement they have. Just make decisions to the best of your ability knowing that you made the best decision you could for yourself and your family at that time with the given circumstances. You have every right to feel how you feel about your situation. This forum can be a great source of support.

This. 100% this. Very well said.

broomy · January 2010

It has been pretty easy to deal since my mom lives across the country from me. I can only imagine I'd be a basket case if we still lived in the same city!

I have to admit, too, that knowing this LO is a boy has been a huge relief for me. I am terrified of becoming my mother, and even though I wanted a girl, I was terrified that I'd repeat history and have the same kind of difficult relationship with her as my mom and I had/have with each other.

Also, as craptastic as our relationship has been, I'm pretty confident that my mom will be a kick-@ss grandma. My kids will all be lucky to have her as a grandma, and lucky that they don't have to witness Mommy & Grandma fighting all the time because they only see Grandma twice a year. Smile

nursecynthia · January 2010

I am having a boy also and I agree that it does make it a little easier in some strange way, I think I would be more upset if I was having a girl.

I don't know why we can't seem to get along, I feel like I try so hard but it just doesn't work out. I hear so many women talk about becoming mothers and how involved their mother is and its really hard sometimes. That's something that I want so badly. But I don't want it bad enough to sacrifice myself and I have to act on what I believe is best for my family.

I think my mom would be a good grandmother if she chooses. Part of the problem is her husbands extreme jealousy of anyone else who is in her life. He's been verbally abusive towards me and I refuse to stand for it anymore. But I will leave the door open if she wants to see her grandson. I would never deny her that. But I am clearly telling her that her husband is not welcome to come around. I don't know how she is going to react to this, she might never speak to me again. But that's a chance I'm willing to take to stand up for what I believe in.

Its comforting to know that other people have similar issues with their moms. Its not easy, and its especially not easy when you are preparing to become a mom yourself.

coffeeaddiction21 · January 2010

My mom is an alcoholic and we just had to come live at her house for a few months. She's never concerned about anyone but herself.

My mom just showed up at the hospital when DS1 was born. I was in too much pain by that point to tell her to get out. I stayed and labored at her house for awhile since the hospital was 5 min from her house. So i'm guessing when I told her we were heading to the hospital she took that as an invite.

She asked me last night if I had LO on a weekend if she could watch DS1 and I told her absolutly not. She replied "But I'll take care of him" Last time she "took care of him she took him to a bar up the road to have a few drinks with friends 5 miniutes before I got home from work! She hasn't been able to watch him since. So I told her bottom line he's going to the sitters as planned.

Sara8 · January 2010

StarAnnice:
My mom's BSC. I just try to keep that in mind. I frequently think of her as my "other kid".

This. In the nicest way possible. . . i love my mom but shes nuts

marycs44 · January 2010

My mom and I don't have the best relationship either... and it hurts for me to say that. I'm an only child and she raised me as a single mom since I was 10. I wish that I could say that we only got closer since we only had each other, but we didn't. Ever since her divorce, she doesn't trust or like men. So needless to say, she was not a fan of any of my boyfriends and she's not a fan of DH. She's excited to be a grandma.. I know she is. But a lot of times she says stuff she doesn't mean, but it ends up hurting my feelings.

I stated a few months ago the plan I had for when I go into labor. Both sets of parents live approx. 4 hours away - so we'll call on our way to the hospital so they can get to KC. They can get a hotel and visit the hospital and our home during the day on their schedule, but I wanted this time with DH and I to be a learning expereince together and not have to worry about the grandparents in our home.

At first my mom wanted my DH to drive to the airport to pick her up when I'm in the hospital - um. heck no! I'm not letting DH drive 45 minutes to the airport when I'm in labor!! Nor would he want to! I told her she can rent a car or get a taxi if she feels the need to fly. She's an independent woman (world traveler and all) - but so dependent on others to do things for her.

Anyway, a week before Christmas, I called her to chat on my way to the mall. Within the conversation, she said that I'll have to let her know what sex the baby is when it comes. I laughed and said, well you'll find out shortly after we will.. you'll be there and all... her reponse - "Well, I don't think I'm coming up. I don't really want to drive or get a hotel or rent a car." This was when I silently busted into tears, got off the phone with her and returned home without a lick of Christmas shopping completed because I certainly wasn't in the mood.

Since then she is now coming, driving up, getting a hotel... and getting over the fact that although the plan isn't what she wants, if she wants to see her only grandchild, she will have to do what our wishes our for our child's birth.

Emotional roller-coaster to say the least... (sorry for the long post...but it feels good to get that story off my chest and to know that there are other ladies on here that wish for the support from their mothers that they need and deserve during our pregnancy).

bethany_bellino@hotmail.com · January 2010

Sounds familiar! Based on past events I couldn't even trust that my mom would make it to my wedding if she "wasn't up to it" day of (she lives the town over from the church). I thought that I would not have her nearly as involved with this baby but after laying it out a bit she has at least started going to counseling with me and I can imagine leaving baby with her for an hour or so without additional supervision.

Of course I'll have to keep reevaluating how things go cause once she gets comfortable she might not bother putting in the work.... anyway just wanted to wish you well knowing a similar relationship is tough to navigate.

MrsJax09 · January 2010

Sara8:
StarAnnice:
My mom's BSC. I just try to keep that in mind. I frequently think of her as my "other kid".

This. In the nicest way possible. . . i love my mom but shes nuts

Same here!!!!!! We have never seen eye to eye and me having her 1st granddaughter has kicked her BSCness into over-drive. Personally I dont know how my dad handles it.

hollybabe · January 2010

Yes, my relationship with my mom is definitely strained. It is getting better, but last year was absolute hell. Ugh.

I agree, I get envious when I read or hear about other moms being so involved and selfless with their daughters' pregnancies. I honestly think this is part of the reason I keep MIL at arm's length: I resent her for being a great mom who is devoted to her kids because I can't have that with my own mom. I try to let MIL in to my heart, but sometimes it's hard.

ABColeslaw · January 2010

I hear you, my biological mother is a complete nutbag...I've posted on this before. She doesn't even really like me, shes just nice to me because she likes my sister and my sister won't talk to her when shes treating me like crap. But Anyway, when I first got pregnant she didn't even react...nothing, no congrats, no nothing just kinda looked at me like I told her it was sunny with a chance of clouds. So my sister freaked out on her and forced her to act "excited" When we found out it was a boy though, my mother freaked out and all of the sudden she was all about me and Asher and being a grandmother and it freaks me out.

My mother was very abusive when we were little, so its hard for me to picture her kissing and hugging my baby. The vision of it makes me want to grab my kid and run. I know shes better....but mentally its a tough rode block. Anyway, lately shes decided that she deserves more out of my relationship with her than I am willing to give and has started ww10 over it. I don't know what to tell her. "Thanks you ruined my childhood, you're lucky you get to talk to me" and "Sorry, no I don't want you in the delivery room or staying with me after the baby is born" Ugh. Because I won't let her do these things, shes accused me of "traumatising and abusing her" Which are the wrong words to use with your adult child that you beat the s*** out of as a child, so now we're not speaking and I don't know if I will speak to her before Asher gets here.

Married2MrWright · January 2010

My mom lives with us (and has for the past year since losing her job in CA) and we do usually get along, but there is a long history there of her being irresponsible (she is a recovered alcoholic/drug user but still exhibits a lot of the dysfunctional behavior of addicts and suffers from clinical depression too) and many times it's like I am the mother and she is the kid.

Recently, she has pulled some crap that has left my husband and I in a difficult situation (especially financially, as we prepare to have our LO) and it has caused undue stress on me and my DH and tension in our household. If you want all the details I posted a rant on my "local" board:

https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/29770711.aspx

Anyway, I am just doing the best I can to step out of her drama. And it has also reinforced for me that I don't ever want my children to be in my position. My mom is a very loving and generous person, when she wants to be, but there is this other side of her that is very entitled and acts like she is the victim of everything and should be taken care of. It's very difficult to deal with...right now I am seriously debating how long I can have a healthy household with her in it. But I am in between a rock and a hard place. I want her to be in our lives and in our children's lives, but I also don't want her in my house. With no job, I cannot kick her out on the streets. So for now, it's a "wait and see" situation. Thank God my husband is so accomodating and great about all of this.

alacognata · January 2010

I keep my distance... my mom had substance abuse issues... she says she's excited and wants to come help. Because this is her first grandchild I'll let her come as long as she is "clean"... our "relationship" is very strained, it's barely existent. BUT I have a great hubby and some other great "stand in moms" in my life. I won't let her put a cloud on the most amazing moment of my life.

kt&charles · January 2010

my mom and i had a very rough and rocky past.She was a severe alcoholic who wouldnt recall the things she would say to me the next day.

A dear friend told me that it was up to me to :make peace" with her and with how i acted/reacted in all situations with her. So i changed. I would simply tell her i love her and leave if things would escalate between us, and i would ask her to spend time with me sober. Mostly refused, but when she did, it was incredible. We got much closer and even became friends! we talked on the phone 2 times a week, briefly but just to chat.

She fell in her house a year ago tomorrow and suffered a punctured lung and she did not survive. I thank god everyday for the peace and friendship i had with her before her passing. I just wanted to give you the same advice. you need to be at peace with your decision in case you dont get another chance. And even if you have to swallow your pride a little, know its not easy but worth it.

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