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Attachment Parenting
xp: my husband has started to pressure me to wean - long
from the start, we both went to the breastfeeding class while i was pregnant so he knows how beneficial it is. although, i have always felt from the start that while he is okay with it, he was never a huge advocate. he told me he felt that it was a burden to me because i needed to be around for feedings in the beginning and then nights out were limited because i wouldnt want to really drink or stay out too late so i could be good for night feedings.
well, i was adamant about nursing for the first year. his mother asks every time we see her "how long are you going to breastfeed?" and i tell her that as long as it works for both of us. she usually adds a comment, "till kindergarten?"
now my husband has been starting to ask the same things multiple times a week. and i tell him that my new goal is till 2 yrs, but i'm not going to wean purposefully and will let it happen naturally. i also remind him that the WHO recommends nursing till 2 years. then he comes home from his therapist appt today - for depression - and weaning comes up again. i asked if his therapist mentioned it and he said yes. so his therapist is saying or helping my husband feel that nursing is ruining his night sleep and mine and our relationship. ugh! i'm half tempted to call the guy and tell him some facts.
anyways, i'm having some issues feeling unsupported. fortunately this will not push me to wean sooner, and just strengthens my will to succeed. one last comment he told me was that he doesnt know anyone else who breastfed past one year (when asked who he meant, he said 'other ladies' at his work)
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Re: xp: my husband has started to pressure me to wean - long
Big hugs to you. We are at 20mo of BFing. I always said 2 years, but with DS's 2nd bday coming up, I'm not sure that it has to be such a hard deadline. I'm ok with taking our time. It's one of those things that you can't really figure out until you're there.
I am actually reading "How Weaning Happens," which I checked out after our LLL mtg this week. It's more about how it gradually happens at your child's pace than it is about abrupt weaning. Can you get support from a local LLL group?
Also, DH and I were in marriage counseling. I really respected our counselor, and still do. However, she made the comment, "Babies don't die from crying" in response to me not wanting to CIO and in response to having DS in bed with us. DH is happy with our son co-sleeping, actually ---but the therapist thought it was blurring the boundaries or something like that. To echo what the PP said, there are MANY counselors and psychologists out there who are not familiar at all with the benefits of extended BFing or attachment parenting. [Aside -- I'm also reading "Hold on to Your Kids" which is another great AP book that many counselors aren't aware of].
Anyway, I said I couldn't see that counselor anymore. I asked our local AP group if they knew counselors open and supportive of BFing and AP. I had DH look over all of the therapists people had mentioned and we found someone who helps us and is not partial to me or "against" DH, if that makes sense.
Do you think your DH would be willing to switch therapists? If you don't have a local AP group to help you find someone whose views are aligned with AP, I would get a list of those around you and cold call to see how they feel about those issues.
Anyway, sorry if none of that was at all helpful, but I just want to say you are doing the right thing. I would justify DH's feelings by saying you understand how he feels it is hurting the marriage, but that there may be many underlying issues present too.
FWIW, DH and I each bought a copy of "The Seven Principles for Making Marraige Work". It has one of those cheesy titles that I usually avoid, but it is helpful. It was recommended to us by the former counselor we saw, but we still find this useful. It justifies a lot of each of our feelings about issues. We work through it/read it together weekly. I think it's great. There are some negative reviews of it on Amazon, but I don't think those people actually read the entire book...just my $.02.
so his therapist is saying or helping my husband feel that nursing is ruining his night sleep and mine and our relationship. ugh! i'm half tempted to call the guy and tell him some facts.
I'd be shocked if this were so. The fact that the therapist knows you breastfeed and that it has come up in session with your husband is because it matters to him.
I'd schedule some family time in therapy as I believe you're working through some communication issues and he's struggling on his own. When one is living with mental illness a lot isout of control. If he's not feeling heard on this issue it will just pile up.
Good luck.
this. maybe it would be helpful to talk together ab the breastfeeding issue w/ a therapist if it is causing problems - which it seems like he is having issues w/it if it is coming up in his sessions.
This
I also agree with Lanie here. Obviously it's something your DH feels strongly enough about to bring up in his counseling sessions. He's feeling pressured by his mother as well, and that's only adding to the problem.
It's possible that your DH is feeling left out of the family dynamic - you seem to be giving him a really minor say in a major part of his life for the next year. Breastfeeding until 2 might be really, really important to you, but he obviously feels that it's negatively impacting your relationship. And that's something you need to be concerned about, IMO.
I think you might need to step back for a bit and reconsider what's best for your family as a whole. Balance.
thanks for the feedback. my husband did say he would bring in info on extended breastfeeding for his counselor or at least look it over so he could pass it on to his therapist b/c he felt the therapist probably wasn't aware of the current info.
my feeling is that my husband is blaming poor sleep, strained relationship, etc on me nursing. without getting too much into it, he wakes up most every night at least once with back pain and goes downstairs and watches tv or plays video games on the couch. he'll take medicine etc, but wont exercise or see a dr/chiro related to the pain- which he told me was also suggested by the therapist. i think the therapist said the back pain could also be stress related, which was then linked to alex not sleeping through the night d/t night nursing.
My MIL used to ask that. After a few times of answering, "Yes, if that's what she wants.", she stopped asking.
Besides night time, is your nursing actually effecting your DH? Mine didn't even know I weaned DD. One day, probably a month later, he says "she hasn't nursed in a while, has she?" Completely clueless. (She was 3y2m.) It wouldn't hurt to talk to him about why he thinks you should wean. Ultimately, it's your decision.
My DH would make occasional comments about weaning, but really, it wasn't effecting him. I think he was more worried about what other people thought. As soon as we weren't nip anymore, it wasn't as big of a deal. There were a couple comments at home when she was over 2 yrs that "Shouldn't you start weaning her?" "Nope." And he let it drop.
Good luck! I'm sorry you're not getting the kind of support you deserve.
Charlotte Ella 07.16.10
Emmeline Grace 03.27.13
You, good sleep can be really important in fighting the disease that is depression, so I could see his point if breastfeeding was causing an issue. have you had a long discussion with him on WHY he wants you to wean? And if he were to feel strongly enough about it, I think you'd have to remember that this is his child too, and while you obviously don't have to just cave completely to his choice, maybe a compromise would work? Like extremely partial weaning (maybe just a night feeding?)
Or, he could just feel very overwhelmed, as depression tends to make people feel that way, and he's trying to just focus on the one or two things in life that he feel he has some say over. I also think that a family therapy session may be beneficial!
Clomid Cycle #1: 50mg = BFP
=Beautiful baby girl born May 23, 2009
TTC#2: BFP Cycle #1, no fertility meds!
Oh, and Im sorry about your MIL. I wonder, next time she asks, if there is some way you can nonchalantly point out that she asks this every time . Maybe by pointing it out she'll stop doing you? You can only hope!
MIL: "So when are you going to stop breastfeeding"
You: "You ask this every time! It's so great that you're so interesting in my breastfeeding patterns! To answer your question, I'm aiming for two years or maybe even more"
MIL: Speechless.
Personally, nursing a child over the age of one wouldn't be as comfortable for me (unless I lived in a country where it was a necessity, of course), but there is no way in heck I would question a mother about her choice. That's just rude. And quite a personal thing to keep asking about!
Clomid Cycle #1: 50mg = BFP
=Beautiful baby girl born May 23, 2009
TTC#2: BFP Cycle #1, no fertility meds!