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ArcticFox
member
I need help w/the kids, what to do?
ArcticFox
member
My DH started his Executive MBA program and he is swamped. He thought it wouldn't be a lot of work, and of course I expected from the very beginning that it would be a ton of work.
The problem now is I get up 7-8am with the kids, and I watch them all day long until I get the baby to go to sleep around 11pm. Then I end up staying up until at least midnight doing things like showering, bills, catching up on e-mails, etc.
About 99% of everything falls on me- house work, laundry, cleaning, dishes, even all the meals. DH usually makes a pizza or something on weekends and runs to the grocery store, but that doesn't change that I can't keep my head above water.
Besides being thoroughly irritated (DH can't even tell me what he wants to eat, even though he is a really picky eater, so I always have to decide and go shopping anyway), I am exhausted and unhappy...
I don't know what to do. I don't think I want to do preschool with my DD yet (and besides, we missed those deadlines), I definitely don't want to do daycare. I am thinking someone to help watch my toddler, and/or someone to help with housecleaning. DH doesn't seem the most receptive to either idea, but he gets to go to work and do what he wants all day, and although I love being a SAHM, all I do is housework and watch the kids. I live in fleece pants and sweatshirts, I cook and clean, scrub toilets, do laundry.. I have no life and I have no "me" time (except for hopping on the internet for short intervals, which is really not relaxing with the kids hanging on me).
Sorry so long.. any suggestions would be appreciated.. my DH is not a jerk but he doesn't get how I feel, basically like a single mom with 2 kids plus the responsibility of taking care of a husband who you basically never see.
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Re: I need help w/the kids, what to do?
I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed. A few things popped into my head. First of all, have you thought about finding a playgroup/moms group that would allow you to have some adult interaction with other moms? That's the sole things I attribute to my love of being a SAHM. If I didn't have them, I'd be so lonely. Do you have a close friend nearby that could help you out? Come over for a couple of hours and let you run errands alone? Get a manicure? Grab a coffee and read a book? (That may also come with the playgroup - I joined the group back in July, and starting in November, one of the other moms and I had become so close we now trade off babysitting days.) And I definitely think finding someone to help you with housework, etc is worth it. You can find a "mom's helper." Someone to come over, help do some of the cleaning, play with your toddler while you and the baby nap, care for the baby while you spend some time with your older daughter.
I hope you find some happiness soon! Email me if you want to chat
I'm not close enough to help out, but I'll listen!
Please know that I mean this in a "take it with a grain of salt" sort of way...
Not to LOL but isn't that kinda what a SAHM does?
Did your husband help out more before the kids? I guess that I ask because it seems like you 2 need a long talk. This isn't the 1st time you've posted a similar vent. I honestly don't mind reading the vents and I feel your pain but I don't want to see you stressed anymore
My husband always reminds me that with guys you have to spell out what you need- they (well most) aren't good on picking up on hints.
Yes, somedays I feel burned out/under appreciated and exhausted but I knew what I was "signing up for". DH likes to sleep in til 9:00, works 10-7:30 most days and 3 days a week he is is part of group in an online game that plays 8-midnite. When I quit my full time job I feel like I agreed to take on the house and any kids full time. Sometimes I have to remind myself that. To say that your DH "gets to go to work and do what he wants all day" isn't really fair to him- unless he really does have some piece of cake job.
MrsWhite is dead on - BUT I feel the same way as you do some days....oh, a lot of days. I wish I could share in her mentality!!!! I know I should focus on how lucky I am to stay home...instead of focusing on how lucky DH is that he gets to go to work and out to lunch, etc.
I'm holding off for now - but I will probably get a mother's helper at some point. Just a young girl - maybe in college for teaching or something - to stop by around/in between classes...and just help out. Even if just a playmate for Evan while I'm cleaning or starting dinner. Maybe she can watch the baby while Evan is napping so I can catch a few zzz too.
I consider SAHM as a day job - like we all have our 9-5, and then we should share parenting in our free time.
I don't consider SAHM being the equivalent of being a single mom. I literally watch the kids 7 days a week 24/7. My expectation would be that DH and I would share our time watching the kids on evenings and weekends.
I basically feel like I run a hotel and take care of everyone else. I plan, shop, and cook all the meals (except for maybe 1x every other week). I pick up after everyone, etc. DH leaves dirty dishes upstairs and dirty laundry on the floor = I pick them up.
I have no social life any more, because I can never go anywhere with the two kids by myself. I am exhausted from taking care of the baby 24/7 which includes getting up in the middle of the night. We are talking drop-dead exhaustion in the beginning, where I felt dizzy and lightheaded from not enough sleep and having to watch the kids all day on my own on like 3 hours sleep.
I literally have no free time and no independence. By free time I mean maybe like 20+ minutes where I can devote time to doing something.
Nest Bio ~ ~ Baby Food Blog
I am not in your situation so I don't know how difficult this is on you and your family. However, it might be best to explain your expectations to your husband, making sure that you are very clear about the roles.Make sure that you also listen to his expectations and see that you can come to an agreement of household operations. Provide a timeline to allow for an adjustment period. During this conversation also establish an alternative plan if the agreed plan isn't working out. A key to this working is that the expectations have to be realistic based on all time constraints.
EX. DH I need X from you. I would like to see these changes by X date. If by that date the changes aren't made then I plan to do X.
Be directive of course but not demanding.
Also, you agreed to allow YH to take on an MBA program this is almost a second job and will require an adjustment period as well as patience. In doing so you also agreed to take on more of the shared responsibilities around the house because his time demands are being pulled further away. This doesn't mean that it is an excuse for your husband to neglect you or the kids and he should provide some support.
Finally, you may want to talk to your dr. about help. I good counselor friend of mine once offered this advice - "You don't have to be sick to get better" Maybe counseling or some other medical intervention might be helpful until you get your routine back on track.
I can relate to where you are coming from, but I only have one LO, so I know that you are probably twice as exhausted! I moved to Florida to support my husband's career and I moved here knowing that I was leaving all of my friends and family behind. I used to have a career, but the only way that I agreed to move was to become a SAHM.
My DH works 70+ hours a week and goes out usually 2 nights a week. We have been here close to three months and we've only had a sitter for one night. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping and he ocassionally watches our LO while I run to the gym or the store.
I joined a SAHM play group which helps with being lonely and I have me some great moms and LOs for my DD to play with. I just have to remember that I made this choice..esp since our LO is going through a crazy clinging to me phase and wants nothing to do with my DH and does not want to sleep at night unless she is touching me. I definitely don't want her in daycare, so I just try to remember how lucky I am to have this opportunity and think that I would be missing out on all these wonderful moments if I wasn't home, you know?
First I want to say...vent when you need to, that is the great thing about this board.
I have learned, especially after becoming a Mom, that what works for one person might not work for another and we need to do what we feel is best for us....hopefully without judgement from others.
Taking that into account, I will let you know what has so far worked for me. I am back to work 3 days per week. I have realized that I need that work/home balance to be happy and to be the best Mommy to E that I can be. I am blessed that with my DH's schedule, that he can be home with him those days. I am also blessed to have a job that let's me do this and a boss who is completely in tune to the work-life balance, so all of this makes our situation work. I need the adult interaction, intellectual stimulation of what I do, the satisfaction of performing my career to be happy...but I absolutely love my time with E. I think that working outside of the home for the time I do, makes me appreciate and savor EVERY second I get with him when I am home with him. I LOVE being a Mom, but I realize that being a full time SAHM would not be the best choice for me...does this make me less of a good Mommy...I do not think so, I know what is best for me and my family. Also, I was resenting my husband for having a "break" by going to work, and I realized that was not fair. With us both working and both taking care of E, we are in a total partnership with both.
I have also learned that guys definitely need to hear EXACTLY what we need...they are not good at reading minds. We just had this discussion this morning about that.
I am not saying at all that working outside of the home is an option for you or something that you would even consider, I am just letting you know what works for me and has made me happy. Sorry so long.....I hope that things get better for you/
There are days that I could have written this same post. Even trying to get out of the house can be more stressful then staying home. The last time I took the kids to the library, we all left in tears, the library lady was rude to Tyler by not including him in activities like she was doing with the kids who are 'regulars'. He got so upset and started trying to line up the kids chairs (controling his environment), then the baby started crying, everyone started staring as I tried to bundle them up and drag them out. Then the library lady comes over and starts getting at Tyler telling him to stop crying and leave the chairs alone which sends him into a tantrum. Two moms with older preschoolers come over and tried to help by consoling Brianna in her carseat. I was so ashamed, I ended up whispering a quick thank you to the moms trying to help me, grabbed Tyler kicking and screaming under one arm, our coats and Brianna's carrier in the other and running out of there. I cried the whole way home. I can't tell you how many places I have had to leave with Tyler under my arm screaming because something isn't going his way. So getting out of the house with the kids doesn't make things better. Though I have on a couple occasions gotten so fed up that I have given Ty his comfort items (which he doesn't usually get during the day) and packaged them up in the car just to drive around and not go anywhere. I haven't left the house without at least one kid in tow in over 6 months because no one will stay home with them both. DH doesn't even like to go anywhere as a family because it is too much work. I have to whine and give him a guilt trip just to go to the mall for things we need. So believe me, you aren't the only one having a hard time.
I would put her in preschool. I can't wait for Ty to go to preschool. I know the deadlines have passed but you may be able to call around and find some openings from kids who may have dropped out.
First of all, don't be afraid to vent. People vent about their jobs all the time, and being a SAHM is a job just like any other. There are days where I've just about had it and would gladly go back to work. You're overwhelmed, and I can totally see why. If you had a regular job where you worked 7am-11pm, you would be burned out, and I think it's no different that you're at home.
There are lots of things you can do- preschool is one. We're planning on putting Rosie in a little program 6 hours a week when she's 2 or 2.5. If you can't do that, I think a mother's helper is a great idea. I'm sure if you posted something on Craigslist you could find someone fast.
Also, something that a friend of mine does is have one night dedicated to herself. Every Thursday night she goes out and does whatever she wants for a few hours. It's always every single Thursday, so her and her husband don't have to negotiate which day it is, and he knows he always has to be home. Maybe you can't have an entire night, but I would tell your husband you need your own time. I wouldn't even make it a debate- just tell him you need it and he needs to figure out when it would work for him. Oh, and I would just cook whatever you want... that's the rule at my house. I do the cooking, so I pick what we eat. If DH wants something specific, he can cook it himeself.
I understand where you coming from. You need to let some things go. Start doing some automatic payments of bills online, the ones you don't have to be a forensic accountant for.
You CAN leave the house with two children. You need to stop telling yourself you can't. Is it always easy? No. But it gets easier each time. Start with small easy trips. Do not include the grocery store as one of them to start with. Use a Baby Bjorn or sling for Hailey, Natalie can be in a cart or use a double stroller. Of course there are bumps in the road but it is possible. We miss you at playgroup, so come. Make things easier by storing every occasion items in the car. Keep diapers, wipes (they do freeze if your car isn't in a garage), water some formula, change of outfits. If I can do it with 3, you can with 2. Promise.
Join a MOPS or the Y. The Y has daycare, just so you can take a class or read in the lobby LOL. Also Fun4Tots has a MMO that would be good for Natalie.
What Robin suggested is great!