Feeling detached

Dochas · January 2010

Hi - I thought you ladies might understand this better than others. I'm in my 11th week and I'm still thinking about the pregnancy in an abstract way. Im not even sure if that's the way to describe it. Everything is still an "if" to me. I don't even like any names anymore! My NT scan is 2 wks from today so I hope things will change after that. I'm planning to actively make myself enthused then. I don't want this whole thing to gy by and feel like it didn't really happen. Has anyone else felt like this. Is so, did it start to go away on its own? I know people tend to read and not respond, but I could really use some friendly words or advice. Thanks.

TheSkimmy · January 2010

I see that you've had some m/c like myself. I think it's our defense mechanism. We are trying to protect ourselves from being hurt. I know that I finally felt better when I felt kicks and then I felt better after the big u/s. I know for me I wanted to find out what we were having so that I could become a little more attached than had I not. You can't force yourself to feel something- but before you feel anything it's hard not to let it feel real. I hope it gets better for you but I'm sure over time it will!

EastCoastBride · January 2010

It took me quite awhile to really get "in" to being PG. It was very surreal for me and I just could not muster the excitement that everyone around me was showing. Honestly- I think it was close to 6 months before I really started getting into it and having fun w/ it.

On some level, i enjoyed the whole thing. But the full reality just didn't seem real for a LONG time.

susan1017 · January 2010

I was feeling EXACTLY the same way. I had my NT scan yesterday and my whole attitude has changed!

I have a dd but I was scared to death something would go wrong and I would have to explain to her. It was overwhelming my thoughts and actions. I had no appetite, wouldn't talk names and wouldn't connect myself to the pregnancy. The second I saw the baby on the screen all of the dread and fear fell away. It was like a huge weight was lifted.

I'm sure as things progress your attitude will change. I agree with PP that it is prob. a defense mechinism since you have suffered some losses (sorry).

I think everything we feel during pregnancy is 'normal'. Please dont be too hard on yourself. I'm sure it will all be fine.

:-)

kjcullen · January 2010

Hi Dochas... I am just a few days ahead of you and have really felt exactly the same way! I think a huge part of it is trying to protect myself from getting attached and then losing 'it'. Only the last few days have I in my mind started to think of 'it' as a baby! We just had our NT scan yesterday and it looks like a little person. That really helped- we are starting to let ourself get excited. We are switching from using the word if to when...

I have been very reserved about this pregnancy. I have only told my mom- and 1 close friend. I am starting to think about telling others in a few weeks, and hope that it doesn't jinx it. I know that there is nothing you can do to cause m/c, but I am older, and with several recent late first tri losses on this board, I am just so nervous!

I bet what we are feeling is normal, especially with the path that led us here. Wouldn't it be nice to be naive and just expect everything to be sunshine and roses from day 1?

Anyway- you are not alone! And I bet that your next US will amaze you! I can't believe that there is a baby looking thingy inside of me! So THAT is why I can't button my pants anymore...

Cassian · January 2010

I am sort of going through the same thing. We lost twins 2 christmases ago from an FET. This pregnancy is all natural, and everyone keeps telling me that the two are so different, that this one will be healthy, etc. etc., but after a loss, or multiple losses, it is hard to just let go and enjoy early pregnancy with reckless abandon. I know that I have kept myself reigned in despite repeated good news from my OB. I haven't wanted to talk about names or plan or talk about the nursery or anything because of just this. I have felt that if I let myself really truly believe that this pg will result in a baby, I would fall that much harder if it doesn't. I agree with PP, it is totally a defense mechanism.

I don't know if you have a strong faith or not, but for me, I prayed a lot in the early weeks, where I spent each day terrified that I was losing the pg, for God to replace all the fear in my heart with peace. To take away all my worry and replace it with faith. And it worked. Not entirely, as I still always had that wall up in the back of my head, but it freed me of the heavy worry. It made it so I could get excited when my friends and family were excited. It gave me the understanding that no amount of worrying would change the outcome of my pg, whatever it may be, and made me realize what a blessing it was to even be pregnant, and that I didn't want to waste one miraculous minute of it worrying about something I couldn't control. I was allowing myself the freedom to be HAPPY about every single day that I woke up still pregnant.

It is alot easier now that I am beginning my 2nd trimester now too, to really start enjoying it. Having the ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat this far in of couse is great reassurance. Due to going through IF, I don't think the worry will ever truly be gone, but its all about allowing yourself to let go. And I know how hard it can be.

BeccaLandes · January 2010

I definitely felt cautious and reserved about my pregnancy. After my NT scan we announced to the world at large that we were expecting, and all I could think was, "Oh, well, now we've jinxed ourselves." But gradually I have come to believe that I will actually have children at the end of this. I have not enjoyed my pregnancy the way I think "normal" pregnant women do. My SIL is pregnant with her first, due 3 weeks after I am (no IF for her), and her simple joy and pleasure in being pregnant is vastly different from my caution and worry. We have only really chosen one baby name, we have not prepared a nursery, I have not chosen bedding, I have not finished my registry. My MIL can't understand it, but I can't get into it when I am so worried about possible disastrous outcomes.

So, yeah. I hope you can worry less than I do, and let yourself enjoy the pregnancy. I think the fear will lessen with every week. And we're always here for support.

qtpa2t · January 2010

What you're feeling is natural. When TTC has been such a source of stress, we're conditioned to feel like something is wrong and find fault or reserve our emotions. I was on eggshells through my first trimester and really until I could feel the baby moving. I didn't show until really late, and so I waited for every OB appointment with bated breath - is the baby *still* there? The feelings will fade. Depending on the intensity of what you're feeling, it may fade sooner or later, but you can be conscious of allowing yourself to enjoy it intentionally, even with a little fear lingering in the background. It's all you can do. And now that I'm just a few weeks from delivery, I can tell you it goes by so very fast.

Ke11y · January 2010

Your feelings are totally normal. Like the pp said, after suffering through IF and miscarriages, it's only natural that we want to guard our hearts. I was very anxious until I started feeling movement and until we had our big u/s. Once DH and I saw our baby moving around looking cozy, and were reassured that s/he is healthy and normal, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I realized that while I do need to be cautious, this may be my only pregnancy, so I need to enjoy it. Constantly being anxious and worried will not change the outcome, it will just make the whole experience tedious. SO, I hope that when you have your NT scan you can feel a bit better. Hang in there and good luck!

pinkcallalily · January 2010

I completely understand what you are talking about. Even being 6 months along I still feel like that a bit. I didn't let myself get excited during the first trimester because I was terrified of m/c, then I had bleeding in early 2nd tri so I continued to be very reserved. I finally got to the point where I thought I could let myself be excited and then we learned about a kidney problem at our anatomy scan. Our baby has one kidney that is working fine and everything should be ok, but we have to see a peri for monthly ultrasounds to make sure the good kidney continues to work properly, if it doesn't the baby wouldn't be able to live. Even though I know there is a very small chance that something will happen to the good kidney, I'm still having trouble letting myself believe that we are really having a baby. We still haven't bought anything for the baby, but I think we will finally buy the furniture in the next week or two. I'm just so afraid of preparing too much and having the worst happen. I think it's normal to feel detached because we've all worked so hard to be at this point and the thought of something going wrong is terrifying. I really see it as a defense mechanism, I never let myself believe I would get pregnant and now that I am, I'm having trouble letting myself believe it's real. Once you start feeling the kicks it will become much more real and exciting - I love being able to feel my baby move and that is what makes it most real to me.

sasa625 · January 2010

I felt the same way during my entire pregnancy. I would get excited, and then think I just jinxed myself. I just couldn't imagine that such an amazing thing was finally happening for DH and I. And I didn't have nearly the struggle you did, so I can't imagine how you are feeling. Just try your best to let yourself enjoy the pregnancy... it did get easier for me after a couple of u/s and especially after I could feel her move.

Congratulations!!

skoorbnibor · January 2010

totally normal... little milestones slowly help... NT scan, feeling movement, then the anatomy scan, big kicks, etc.

But many of us don't relax until we are holding our outside babies... and then a new set of worries begin...

Dont be hard on yourself... bonding with your pregnancy takes time and really matters so much less than bonding with your baby

mmeeccee · January 2010

I'm having the same problem. My husband forced me to tell co-workers and the rest of the world yesterday. I was really upset. I felt like if I told, something would happen. I have felt some sort of relief after the NT scan and the good results. I hope to feel more confident after the anatomy scan on 2/10. I think this is just the result of infertility and what we had to do to get here. It's so cruel.

Dochas · January 2010

I'm in tears reading your replies. THANK YOU all so much. It helps me so much to know that I'm not just crzy or doomed to be an ice princess. I would really be ok going to sleep for a few months and waking up when he/she is here. We haven't made any decsion about finding out the sex. My DH is leaning towards being surprised and I kind of feel like I've had enough surprises! I can see how knowing would help if I'm still feeling this way. wed - I'm sorry you have this added stress but I'm so glad they can monitor everything closely. Thanks again - I'm sure I'll be posting more paranoia along the way lol

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