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Attachment Parenting
When the attachment is for us
I had a very thought provoking conversation with a friend of mine who is very AP and has older children then me (S is only 3 months old). It boiled down to is there a point where the AP style of parenting is more for the parents then the children. Put another way, can a child "outgrow" AP?
We were talking about how S is really quite an independant (and sometimes fabulously stubborn) baby. She has set herself onto a routine without DH or I doing anything. She is an amazing sleeper and actually sleeps so much better in a co-sleeper than when we bed-shared. She nurses very well and is incredibly efficiant about even that! I say all this knowing that things may change but so far nothing has really thrown her a curve ball for more than 1-2 days.
My conversation with my friend was about how I am a bit sad that she is already so independant. I would love to have her still in our bed and to night nurse once or twice a night.
The question we really started to talk about was at what point is it the parents who are yearning for the attachment? She has two children and one is Miss Independant and always was. Her son is still needing much more reassurance, night time parenting and constant attention.
Is there a point with more independant children where we need to back off a bit- of course while always letting them know that we are supporting their needs? Is this an age thing, a maturity thing, or a personality thing?
Just some food for thought...
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Re: When the attachment is for us
An independent newborn? Really?
Meh, I'm not even convinced i know what AP is or care. But I do know that being in tune with my kid means learning her cues and workign with her. That means when she's playing with her dolls, I need to step back. When she needs space, she needs space. When she needs to be held, i hold her, etc...
I don't like using the term "independent" with a newborn or toddler because, yeah, no they aren't. But I do realize some kids need more "me" time than others. And that some have more defiant personalities than others. Learning what to do in those situations is always good. And I don't think that any of them "outgrow" a parent who works with them to find what works best.
I actually struggled for a word to express just that! I think that is a better way of saying what I was trying to imply.
Totally, and Sadie sounds like Jo was, even then. It's fun to watch. And you get so proud when they toddle on up to the kindergym teacher and say "hi, my ball?"
No fear that one.
It's exciting and something you can embrace.
I think that when the idea of attachment parenting is only being "attached", then there's a problem and it's where a lot of AP stereotypes are made. I see AP not as being with/holding my LO all the time but holding him when *he* needs it. To me, this meant a lot more holding than other forms of parenting in the new-newborn stage, but as M grows, it means factoring his needs into our decisions as well as making sure the "independence" he is given is developmentally appropriate and what *he* needs instead of what DH and I want to force him into. I think if your idea of AP is not ever setting your LO down even when they developmentally need it, you're doing them and AP a disservice.
I think wanting to snuggle when your LO doesn't, or wanting to bedshare when your LO wants to move on is normal for all and maybe stronger for AP parents, but it's not actually attachment parenting, if that makes sense.
I'd agree with this. I don't think kiddo's outgrow AP; we just change our responses to them. For example, as kiddo grows older and more independent, I don't wear him nearly as much as I once did - he makes it clear when he wants down and down he goes.
Even with older kids, we can still listen to their needs and respond accordingly. I'm not going to be wearing or bfing kiddo as he starts school but that doesn't mean I won't be a responsive parent.
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Very well put.
Re: independent 2 month old - I think I have always had a strong-willed child, right from the womb. She has created her own schedules, slept better in the PNP than in our bed, etc. She is a Capricorn just like my mom and sister and I swear she is like my sister's personality twin in many ways.
I used to REFUSE to say I was AP because I wasn't a mom who wore her baby 24/7. We don't bedshare or even cosleep any more. We let our child watch TV sometimes, we vac, she has things like Jumperoos and walkers.
But AP isn't just about wearing your baby, sharing a bed with your baby, choosing to not vac, not circ and not CIO. What it is about is being connected to your child - listening to your child, understanding your child as a human being. Realizing that your baby DOES really sleep better in a crib instead of a bed, or DOES want to go to bed at 7pm even though you were trying for an 8pm schedule. That your baby may not be super snuggly now (though they get more snuggly as they get older and realize when you're away and now back), but that your baby, even at two months can tell you what he or she needs and wants and that you listen and respond.
Exactly. Very well said