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Blended Families
Should I call MIL out !!?
I am glad to join this board and hope to get some useful advice. My SO and I have been together 2 years. We?ve known each other for 6 years. He was recently discharged from the military back in June and we were really able to start our lives together, living together for the first time.
We are truly a blended family. I have an 8 yr old daughter. From his previous marriage, the BM has not gotten involved in their children's life (girls age 4 and 2). She calls every weekend to talk to them and that's about it. My problem lies with the MIL, she had the girls for about a year and half while DH was deployed in the military. Since then, we moved to another state and things have been great.
I have always been apart of the girls life even while they lived with MIL and helped care for them (MIL is confined to a wheelchair). The girls have been calling me 'mommy' for the past 4 months and I'm fine with that. We went home for the holidays and they visited with MIL for the entire stay (10 days) and the 4 yr old came back calling me by my first name. When I addressed it, she had nothing to say. I remember the MIL calling me by my name to the kids and I just thought that was so disrespectful knowing that we are really trying to make this work. Why not let them make their own decision and respect it? I've talked to SO about it and he refused to address it. I'm ready to make that phone call to MIL and call her out not only on this issue but all the things I've been holding back for years now.
What should I do?
Nikki B.
"My life consists in my being content to accept many things."
Ludwig Wittgenstein
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Should I call MIL out !!?
Does the MIL know that the girls call you mommy? Those girls are young so being around someone calling you something other than mommy might have been confusing to them. I would just talk with them about it and let them know they can call you whatever they are comfortable with, either by your first name or by mommy. I wouldn't force it on them or force it on the MIL, if anything you could mention to her that they have been calling you mommy and let her know it's ok for her to refer to you as that to the kids.
Ugh, I had a long reply and my computer froze!
You said, "Why not let them make their own decision and respect it?" So follow that. You said that she called you by your name, she is not your child so that is how she should address you. If you said that she told them not to call you Mommy I would have an issue with it but that is not what you said happened. They called you by your name 4 months ago and now again today, I do not see a huge deal...I do see a big deal with you telling them to call you Mom because even though BM is not involved and you are playing that role and hope for them to see you that way, it is up to them and they will likely call you Mom again on their own terms.
I know why you are upset but I honestly think you are wrong, especially given that she raised them for so long when they are so young. If you have other issues with her then address the real issues. Oh, and FWIW, making it work is not dependent upon what they call you but how you all feel about each other. And I was a custodial SM for 6 years with an uninvolved BM, my SD is older and now living on her own.
I don't think this is something worth getting upset over. Not to be super old fashioned, but it sounds like you're not married, and it might be hard for your MIL to really see you as mommy to the kids already.
If you and your SO would like to encourage the kids to call you mommy, that's kind of a nuclear family decision. If it's what you both want, then I think maybe a phone call or face-to-face talk with her to explain your decision is okay. But I don't think it has to be an emo or angry talk.
My H is still Firstname half the time and Daddy half of the time to my DS. I let my parents know that DS had asked to call him Dad, and they try to respect it. But he's still Firstname half the time with them too. It's not a big deal to any of us.
I agree with this. I 100% think that what the kids call a step-parent should be left up to the child to decide and it's ok if that waffles and sometimes you're "Mom" and sometimes you're "First Name." If the kids came back and told you MIL wouldn't let them call you Mom, that might be an issue to discuss with MIL, but just the kids changing what they call you isn't even if it does coincide with time they spent with her.
THIS!
And for FWIW, I've (sort of) been where you're coming from. The cliff's notes version: BM dropped out of SS's life at 6 mos. old. DH was discharged from the Marines and moved from Va. to In. and in with his parents. MIL was the childcare provider for SS and DH and him lived with my IL's for a while after DH was home. DH then was called up as part of the IRR in 2003. He had to leave SS with my IL's. I came into the picture about 6 months after DH was home from being called back. DH and SS were living with my IL's (again) until they moved in with me when we had been dating for about a year. SS was 4 when they moved in.
It was a tough transition. SS asked all the time when they were 'going home'. He only wanted daddy or mamaw and papaw. There were a lot of tears, etc. because he was 4 and didn't understand. I just backed off as much as possible and let DH handle it.
Did it get frustrating? Yes. Was it hard to clamp down on my tongue and emotions? You betcha. But I had to respect what my IL's did for DH and SS and respect that relationship. I still do, to a point.
I'm happy to say that 6 years later, SS loves me and I love and adore him. He refers to me as his mom and he knows that DH and I are his parents. He still calls me by my first name, but whatever. At the end of the day, he knows what I mean to him and what he means to me. That's all that counts.
Besides the fact that you aren't the Mom, it's lame to bring up years worth of anger at someone, I think you said hash out other things that you are mad about from over the years. If you don't address something as it happens, don't save it for later. That's so childish.
I want to know how many 'years' this has been going on. The youngest child is 2. The BM at least had to have been around through her birth...right?
Thanks all for the comments. I have not told the kids to call me mommy. I understand completely that I can never be their "mother" just as I would expect that SO can no replace my 8 yr old's father. I have always allowed them to make their own decision about how they will address me. I do understand that children this age are very impressionable. I was taking care of them for more than the few months we've been living together. They were with me 2 weeks out of the month while he was on deployment to give MIL a break. The BM left them at his mom's when the youngest was 6 months old. This is not brand new. SO and I were friends long before we were a couple, so I knew the situation and wanted to do what I could for his children since the mother was not around. There have been many instances that MIL has said or done wrongly towards me and I said nothing at all. This was just the one time that I felt she needed to be addressed.
We were friends before they had children and remained friends during that time.
Not trying to be snarky. Just being honest here.
You're not married. You're not his wife, therefore she is not your MIL. You are not their mom.
You say that your boyfriend's mother has wronged you in the past before, but THIS is what you feel is so out of line that it needs to be addressed? Why? With the information you gave, I side with your SO's mom. I don't think they should be calling you mom, and I don't think you should be calling your SO's mother out at all when I think this is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things.
I think it's great that you have filled this role as mother for these children, but they still talk to her weekly. This still has potential to be very confusing to these kids as they grow older.
Don't push it. As you said, let these kids call you whatever they want to call you. Mom, or by your first name. It doesn't matter what they call you, as long as you are a good mother FIGURE to them.
I am NOT trying to be snarky, but until you are married you really need take a step back.
By your own admission, you have only been a Physical SO (ie being a couple infront of teh kids) for a very short period of time.
They don't need to have your SO's Mother to say anything to be confused, the whole situation is confusing - especially when they have someone else in their lives that they call mommy (even if it is just a phone call a week).
And here is the other thing, even without the other issues with your SO's mom, I doubt she would address you as the kids mommy since YOU ARE NOT THEIR MOM.
So, if you have other issues with this woman, address them. And do it before your baby arrives. But learn to separate the real ones from the non-issues for the sake of all of the kids and your relationship.
Forget the MIL, you have a more pressing issue. Believe me if my SO expected me to live with him and raise his children as if I was their mother he could dame well produce a ring and make it official. You would be better off talking to him about your situation.
If you bring it up to the MIL she will tell you that she will not encourage the kids to call you mommy because if her son was serious about making you the mother of the household you would be married already. She is basically just following his lead.
Also why would you expect your SO to call out the woman who raised his kids for 1.5 years. Personally I would expect him to be forever greatful to her.
Thanks again for all the comments. So the girls call their mom by her first name. Not being married to my SO is not 100% his doing. I have a part in that also. I did not know that marriage defines the relationship you have with children that are not biologically yours. I keep trying to emphasize that his mother (since I can't call her MIL) did not raise his kids during that 1.5 years alone. I was helping out ALOT...financially and spending a lot of time with them while he was gone. I was her right hand man when it came to the girls since there was a lot of things she could not do for them. I cherish those moments.
Once again I'll say that this is not brand new. I do not care what the children call me. I understand that I am NOT their mother, but I do not tell them things to confuse them. I allow them to decide on their own. I am upset that his mother tells them what to call me instead of letting them decide on their own. She is confusing them and plays these psychological games with them. Them calling me mom is because of the relationship we've built and because they feel confortable doing so, NOT becuase I tell them to or want them to.
I almost feel as if you all are suggesting me to leave my relationship with my SO and forget about his children due to the fact that we're NOT married!! I have put a lot into this relationship with his children and him. I just sometimes feel that his mother will do anything to sabotage that for her own self issues with me and will use the children to do so at any expense.
Think about the sermon you all are trying to preach. I know my boundaries and have stayed well within them. I am not one to attack another without full comprehension of the situation. I am not selfish in my relationship, I really want what's best for the children. I really hope that you all will understand that and cease trying to make me out to be "The hand that rocks the crade"
I dont think any of the ladies were telling you to leave your relationship, but instead to think about it.
You are not married - therefore HIS mother is not your MIL - HIS children are not yours (regardless of helping out)
I would continue the relationship that you have with the kids, and continue to bond with them. Imagine how good it must feel to them knowing that they have a woman caring for them - doing it because she wants too. That is showing them love. As far as calling you "mommy" it could be an age thing. A 2 yr old may view you right now as her mom, whereas the 4 year old may have her your SO's mother say "oh you have to get ready to go. YourName will be here soon!" and thats why she has resorted to calling you YourName.
OMG...Get off your damn high horse!
* No one told you to leave your SO *
What we did say was,
1. You are only a SO. There's no engagement/marriage in the picture. For that reason, you are not legally tied to your SO, and even less so to these children. Therefore, there is technically no permenancy to your position in their life.
2. These children were raised, for all intents and purposes, by your MIL for 1.5 years while their father was deployed and their mother had no part/interest in their lives. She took care of them full time. Yes, you helped out, but she was their primary care giver and mother figure.
3. They are 4 and 2! They may call you mommy one day and your first name the next. You can't expect them to be consistent at such a young age. And 'addressing' this issue with a 4 year old?! It makes you sound pushy and that you are forcing yourself on these children.
A lot happens in a child's life over 10 days. I can't believe you wanted her to 'remember' why she dropped calling you 'mommy'. Who knows why and why is it so important?
4. Wanting to 'call MIL out' over this is ridiculous and petty. Several people told you this.
5. Wanting to dredge up past slights/issues/etc. is also ridiculous. If you have a problem with something, bring it up when it happens. Don't stew on it and wait and wait and then jump on someone for 10 things at once. You'll come off looking childish and maybe a little crazy.
6. YOUR SO doesn't want to address this issue.
It sounds like you only wanted us to validate your feelings and tell you to go after your MIL with a pitch-fork and torch. And now you're throwing a fit because we didn't agree with you.
If you don't want feedback, write a blog and don't allow anyone to comment. Jeez!
I am not arguing with any of your comments or disagree with any of them, BUT I will not allow you to address me as if I'm a NOBODY to his children because there are no legal ties. I posted the question for advice, NOT to be attacked. I have accepted all comments with respect but you on the other hand have taken this much further than necessary. I am not looking for any validation for speaking to his mother on the matter.
If you read my comments word for word, you would recognize that I understood EVERYTHING you all had to say AND it was not rejected in any of my responses. ME thanking everyone for their comments was very sincere because I understand that I may have needed to be 'checked' on my thoughts and behaviors about the situation and his mother (thank you again), otherwise I would not have asked the question in the first place. You don't know me or where my heart is and to think to call me crazy is absurd, rude and very childish on your end. Seems to me that you have taken this all too personal.
I didn't call you any names. I explained that if you wanted to take it to the point where you were wanting to take it, 'to make that phone call to MIL and call her out not only on this issue but all the things I've been holding back for years now'', you would come off as all those things and maybe worse.
You're not a 'nobody' emotionally to those children, but legally is another thing. Also, from what you're saying (which on a public message board, we can only respond to what you type), you ARE trying to insert yourself as their mother. Again, you are only a GF...You have NO LEGAL standing. (Hell, as a SM, even though my H has permanent legal and physical custody and I'm married to him, if something happens, death or divorce, I have no legal claim to my SS.)
There's *nothing* stopping you or your SO breaking up tomorrow. I'm not saying that's going to happen, but it could. So, that is why people took issue with how you state that you are approaching your relationship to his girls.
Believe you me, I'm not taking this personal. I enjoy message boards and giving my opinions on what people post and receiving opinions on what I post. But it's not keeping me up at night.
I'm changing my answer. Go confront your MIL. I think it's a great idea. Go have it out with her and tell her how it's going to be and tell her to quit undermining you.
Let us know how it turns out. I'm dying to know.
At the end of the day, you're totally right!! Hard reality but true. It does bother me what would happen tomorrow since it's not gaurenteed. Thanks again. You've given me a lot to think about. His mother IS the least of my worries. Thanks again
This. Exactly!