talking about loss with dh

darkskyy · January 2010

Do you and DH ever talk about your loss?

DH NEVER brings it up, and when I do all he says is that he hopes I don't freak out when we get our next bfp or start trying again.

It was an early loss and he never had a chance to "feel"like we were prgnant the way that I did, but he practically acts like it never happened. It's been 4 weeks today, and it hasn't really crossed his mind in probably 3 weeks.

Just feeling a little bummed today... (maybe i should stop watching teen mom!)

Scout05 · January 2010

a) STOP WATCHING TEEN MOM RIGHT NOW!!!!!

b) I'm so sorry today is hard. My DH and I do talk about our losses, but then - I am the type that brings up things all.the.time. We're just really chatty, as people.

We decided to go see a grief counselor after our third loss, and it has been so helpful. I was just telling another lady on MC/PL that I cannot recommend it enough. If your DH is even slightly willing, and you think it might be something you are interested in, it can be such a helpful tool in recovering.

You need your DH and he needs you. It's just hard, when your own personal grief (and believe me, his too) is so overwhelming.

Good luck!

kona08 · January 2010

I am sorry for your loss. Men just handle these situations differently. Have you told him how you feel about his comments, or lack thereof? I am sure he does think often about the loss, but maybe he is trying to be strong for you.

Hugs

I didn't fully answer your question, sorry. My hubby was more concerned about my well being the first two weeks. I was a mess. He does talk about our baby frequently and we have found a good place. With that, he does not mourn the loss as I do, it is just the male nature. He feels the need to be strong when I am not.

californiastars · January 2010

Oh hon, I am sorry you have to go through this.

My DH still doesn't really recognize anything about the loss. Since my loss (a year ago) I have gone through mood swings and an emotional rollercoaster. I warn him that I am in a mood and he says ok and leaves me alone.

That is pretty much the extent to acknowledging the loss. Right after the m/c for the first week he didn't talk about it at all. He was just really worried about me.

I think it is hard for guys because they don't feel the instant bond that we do. He is probably just worried about you and what the loss has done to you emotionally and physically.

I wish I had the answers for you. (((HUGS)))

mlmtgg · January 2010

I would for sure stop watching teen mom.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I know that for my DH - in the beginning, while he wouldn't talk much about it - when he did, he was so focused on how I was doing physically and emotionally he never centered on himself. I learned that I needed to ask him more and be more open with him about how much I was thinking about it, etc- then he would open up about it more too.

everyone - including our DHs grieve in different ways.

big hugs.

KelzinBoston · January 2010

I feel like in many cases it's harder for men to understand. DH doesn't bring up our loss very often, and when he does he says he's more concerned about how I'm dealing with it and he's scared that I'll be hurt like that again. I always remind him that it was his baby also, but I think it's harder for men to be emotionally attached to something until they can see it and feel it.

I'm sure he does think about it more than you think...but he's trying to put on a strong front for you. You never know, down the road he may open up more.

EmKo0210 · January 2010

My DH rarely brings up our loss. I finally talked to him yesterday about it, and he said he didn't want to bring it up because he didn't want to upset me. The thing is, I want to talk about it...so it was just a lack of communication. Have you talked to your DH about how you feel?

darkskyy · January 2010

Thanks ladies, you make a lot of sense sometimes!

Slowly backing away from the remote control and heading to the gym now.

It's nice to have found a place where I can be open, and everyone else understands. THANK YOU.

JenPVH · January 2010

Warning TMI here!

DH doesn't really talk about it and almost says the same thing you mentioned your DH does... but mostly it because he is freaked out by it and does not want to admit it in fear of "Not looking strong enough" for me.

However, when I was going through my loss, it was past midnight and I had violent cramps, diarrhea and threw up 2 gallons when I dropped from passing out. Baby finally passed and DH had to get it out for me. Later we both held the fetus together and talked about what we were seeing. So we had closure and while he never talks about it after that night, I am pretty sure he was traumatized. It was totally unexpected considering I was "early" and no one else will ever believe what we gone through. It is undeniable that he knows the depth of what happened.

I normally get violent cramps/and time to time passed out from AF since I was 11 so that has a lot to do with why my loss was bad for me.

petrpn1313 · January 2010

I'm sorry for your loss and that you are going through this. For me this is how it is with my ILs, they didn't call to check on either of us so my dh got together with them and explained that this isn't just about me which is basically what they thought and that we needed space. My dh has learned through our loss to be very open about his feelings. He is dealing with it differently then me in that he wants to hold babies and finish working on refinishing the crib. He really has stepped up and taken care of everything around the house and my every need. I understand most people say men deal with things differently and I normally will agree with that but I look at that now and see it being the same "norm" society has put on men along with what society's view of miscarriage is-hush hush.

denise_m · January 2010

Just a couple of times, but he's a "bottle it up" kind of guy

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