DH & sex...need TMI advice & vent
We're down to about once a week on the sexy-time. My last pg I was all about it. This time, not so much. She is so much more active then my son was (!) and I feel her all the time. Sex just isn't very comfortable & even when I do want it, once we start I want it to be done with so I don't really enjoy it.
A couple of weeks ago DH tried to talk to me about bj's. He said he *needed* it. WTF? You need it?! I was pissed b/c he knows that I could barely brush my teeth w/o gagging, much less that. We sat down & talked about sex & I just told him he was going to have to suck it up for a while. He tried the whole "you used me for kids" "we need sex to be close" "why don't you love me" guilt trips (he did the same with our son) and I tried to reassure him while inside I was seething. What are we...16 yr old virgins? You can't peer-pressure me into sex! I reminded him about our son and about how sex tapered off. I reminded him that it took us a while, but once we got back on track (about 6mths after he was born) we started having regular sex again & until now, we've had a pretty good sex life (2-3x a week).
I told him bj's were off the table for a little while and jokingly offered him $50 to take care of his *needs*. Well his bday is coming up and he won't give me any ideas except a bj. I seriously feel like a fvcking prostitute. I know I shouldn't, but why would he push me to do something I don't want to? He just keeps telling me thats all he wants and I keep telling him it's not going to happen. I tried to give him one during the first trimester. After 10 minutes or so, he could tell I was getting uncomfortable and he couldn't finish. After being down there forever we were both frustrated & it was just awful.
Now with my huge belly, I couldn't imagine a position where my stomach won't be in the way and where I could be comfortable. Just the idea of it makes me gag. I told him just a few weeks ago it wouldn't be forever & I though he got it they were off the table until after the baby. Obviously he didn't. The idea of having to do this when I really don't want to makes me want to cry. The idea that he thinks he *needs* it and I should do it to make him happy without thinking about how it makes me feel seriously makes me want to cry. Does he respect me so little? I know sex is important for every relationship, but why can't he see this is short term? I seriously don't know what to do...
Re: DH & sex...need TMI advice & vent
Tell him he's lucky, my poor DH & I have only had sex about twice since getting preg because I'm just too tired & uncomfortable all the time (back probs for the most part). He's just waiting to find out how long after the baby is born before I'm "ok'ed" for sex, lol!
I believe she said that she cant even brush her teeth without gagging. so I am assuming that a penis is bigger then a tooth brush lol
My DH is like that. He wants one for his birthday. Sorry buddy not happening and I find it extremely disrepectful for them to make us feel guilty about it.
I'm fine with sex...I'd rather have that. Short story about the bj's: I gag and I'm fat and uncomfortable. Baby girl is active and in the way. At least with sex, we could do spoon or doggy-style & I'm not on my belly. We've tried hand jobs when I was on pelvic rest, but he could never finish. I gave bj's before w/no probls & promised him they'd continue after baby, but he says he needs it...
I don't like oral sex. Period. Dot. end of story. I have to be in the mood adn usually its when I'm drunk hahahah.
I have the same feelings on sex as you do, I want it but its becoming so uncomfortable and awkward I'd rather go without. I honestly do not know what to do in your position. You've talked to him about, told him your feelings...maybe reiterate? OR you could just fly off the handle about it on him and maybe THEN he'd get it. He's being completely unreasonable and selfish. You have a baby growing in your belly. And no, you're NOT 16 yr old virgins and you don't need a BJ to survive!! LOL. Just keep drilling it into him, and don't let it get to you that he's being a Dbag about this....he's a guy. Good luck hun!
Yeah they are extremely important but I am not going to be pressured into it when I am feeling awful. Sex is something for both of us to enjoy not something to be forced into or just so he can get off. We deal with so much in the months we are pregnant there is no reason why my husband cant take care of himself for a little while.
I'm pretty sure sex is a WANT not a NEED. And I have a lot of wants right now that I don't get.,...I want to feel better, I want to stop throwing up, I want to be off bedrest, I want to not be in pain, I want to feel human again...so that being said, my DH one want of sex isn't the end of the world. He'll be fine. He's a big boy who can take care of it if he needs to. I love him very much and would do almost anything for him. But sex hurts me right now and therefore, even he doesn't enjoy it. If you really love someone, why would you enjoy doing something that hurts/makes them uncomfortable?
she said it makes her physically uncomfortable and makes her gag to give him a BJ. Reason enough not to do it in my book!
OP, your husband needs to grow the fvck up. I can't believe he won't lay off about the BJ, especially after you've told him several times that it makes you physically uncomfortable and sick to do it. I absolutely think it's disrespectful of him to keep harping you about it.
I don't know what advice to give you. Mabe just tell him that the way he's treating you is making you feel belittled and that you expect respect! I am just livid for you. You are carrying his child, for goodness' sake and if he can't make concessions in the sex department for a couple months, that's ridiculous.
Good luck sorting everything out.
yikes, just spit! I never swallow.
And I do care about his needs & wants. If I didn't, we wouldn't even have the once a week sexy time. I think it's important, but I don't think he should pressure me into a bj when he knows I don't want to, given him reasons why & I already told him no. I'm at the point now where if I give him one, it will be totally against my will & just to satisfy him & I'll feel like a prostitute. For some reason, I can deal with having sex to make him happy, but giving a bj just to make him happy feels so demeaning...
...Maybe. I don't think my husband wants are less than mine but sex takes a back seat to pregnancy and I don't give in to my husband every sexual want, I'm not his servant, no woman is servant to her husbands sex drive. And no, you DON'T owe your DH sex...you're in the process of giving HIM a child!
Have you never liked doing that? Just wondering. I like doing it, but I get where you're coming from about the feeling sick ... 1st tri I couldn't do it for anything. If you're still feeling that way, it's well near impossible.
But seriously, that's so wrong of him to say "you used me for kids" and all that other stuff. He's your DH ... you're building a FAMILY. And YOU are building the baby all by yourself ... you don't need to be forced into doing something you don't want to.
And, as enjoyable as sex is, I remember learning in biology class that, out of ALL the life functions, that is the one function that an organism can live without! I'm not saying you're going to deny him all the time, but he does not "need it." Does he give any thought to what you might need (like a little husbandly support)?
GL!
"You can do what I did. DH kept begging for a BJ so finally I gave him one, and when I threw up from gagging while doing it I threw up on him, right on his stomach. He doesn't ask anymore."
lol at the above!
I totally get what you are saying. BJs are my Mr.'s favorite and even in the first tri when I was sick all the time I still managed to buck it up and please him. Maybe there wasn't as much mouth action going on a usual but that's why you have hands to help out...lol Hell a few times I could barely even do that so I let him touch me all over while he jerked off. Whatever gets the job done.
Maybe you can just lick him a little while giving him a hand job? I know you don't want to hear this but just as you have emotional needs related to the pregnancy you husband still has sexual needs that need to be taken care of too.
So sorry you're going through this. I know it can be extremely frustrating, my DH gets like this sometimes. I usually just tell him no, he pouts for a bit, and then it's done.
I agree with pp that sexual acts are meant for both to enjoy, not one person pressured into pleasuring the other.
Sexual wants and needs arent that high of a priority over everyday life, and especially when someone is pregnant and isnt feelign the best.
My DH has been whining a bit too. We hvae had sex 2 times in the past 5 weeks where before it was at least once a week (we have a toddler...lol). With my pregnancy with DD, we had sex regularly up until the day before she was born. This time things are alot different and I am tired, i have been sick, back pain, and taking care of a toddler. I would sit him down and tell him that that is very disrespectful to treat you like that and honestly tell him how you feel. Thats something that shouldnt be pushed aside and ignored. I too would feel like a prostitue.
This is true, but its not like she doesn't want to do it so much as the fact that she can't do it comfortably becuase she'll gag...when you're pg there are things you normally do that you can't anymore and DH needs to understand that.
Here is my very TMI reply...
DH is 46 and I'm 40. This is our first child (at all...not just with each other), and we had trouble TTC. That we are PG, in my opinion, is a miracle (but isn't it always??).
We pretty much exclusively do me on top in terms of positions. I was overweight to begin with (DH is, too), but it works for us. Once I started getting more belly to me, sex became difficult. It was uncomfortable for me and, emotionally, I was terrified of losing the baby (even though rationally I knew it was safe).
Now, I can't get my brain to "allow" me to have sex because I'm so scared. I feel like this is our only chance to have a LO and I just can't relax enough to do it. That being said, I do what I can to satisfy DH...but I also agree it's hard to do a bj in a position that's comfortable for both of us (considering my size/weight). We have tried. So...now we're down to my doing hand jobs and hoping he understands my fears when we talk about it. As far as I know he's been satisfied, though we BOTH are looking forward to regular sex again.
Unless you want to take OP's advice and risk throwing up on him (which, I'm guessing, would put an end to the great debate), the only thing you can do it continue to share with him how you feel and hope he's understanding about it.
I wish you luck.....
HUGS!
He's just being a guy. And to be honest, we have sex every couple weeks which is pretty normal for us.
Why not try something that includes touching and sensuality? Maybe try making him dinner, give each other massages and see where that leads? If nowhere then at least he knows you adore him. He might just be feeling left out. And after that, if all he wants is sex, then you don't want to ignore his needs either. Sounds like you guys just need to discover your middle ground.
i used to want sex all the time, but we've only had sex once since we found out i was pg.
a few weeks ago i really really wanted to, and ended up falling asleep on the couch at 7pm instead.
ah well, if we're spending our lives together, there is plenty of time for that later
DD1 born 5/24/10.
Missed M/C at 14 wks Feb 2012.
DD2 born 5/14/13.
Missed M/C at 9 wks July 2015.
I am team "your dh is being a jerk".
I don't think anyone *needs* a bj and I think if you were giving him them pre-p and plan on giving them post-p , he has nothing to complain about. It's not like he's in a bj-less or sex-less marriage.
I think your dh needs to suck it up and wait until you're feeling better. In meantime, send him to the sex toy store with $100 and say buy what you want.
I've given my dh 1 bj since bfp and we have sex about half as often. Not.one.complaint. He knows and understands that my body is going through changes that aren't the greatest and wants us to both enjoy being intimate.
I think you both need to sit down and talk about this. Try to come up with a compromise - maybe he doesn't feel like the once a week is a compromise but you do - you should talk about that. Good luck.
I feel bad that so many people seem to have much rockier sex lives because of pregnancy, and so lucky that DH and I are on the same page in this respect. Hope things improve for you all, if there's any kind of issue in the bedroom...do talk about it, I think bottling these things up is never good.
I certainly understand being sick and tired and feeling fat and not wanting it at all. But when my husband is still so completely turned on by me, in spite of my rapidly changing body, I love him all the more and want to please him. That said, he totally respects whatever I want to do, which doesn't hurt either. And in return, he'd never beg for a BJ. He'd already be satisfied or he'd keep his mouth shut and his own hand working.
Yes! He's being a cry baby, he will get over it.
wow, I'm shocked at some of these responses. If you or your SO can't handle a brief sexual hiatus then I seriously question the strength of your relationship. Just picturing my husband enjoying something fully KNOWING I'm sick and not comfortable doing right now is creepy as hell. And vice versa.
OP I'm sorry you're being pressured to do something you're not up to doing. I don't think you're pulling the pregnancy card like someone mentioned. Our bodies are changing like crazy right now and that's a fact, not an excuse. Lucky them that they are perfect pregnant goddesses and still up for anything. As for me I was nauseous 24 hours a day and puking every day until 16-17 weeks and right now I feel huge, uncomfortable, unattractive and tired as hell. Sometimes I'm up for sex and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes my husband is up for sex and sometimes he's not. You can't always get what you want when you want, that's life, suck it up.
Have a serious sit down with DH, talk and listen to each other. One spouse should NEVER pressure and guilt trip the other spouse no matter what the topic.
The OP has expressed how strongly she feels about no doing it right now and how bad his insisting makes her feel (makes her feel like a whore), why in the world could I tell her to do it inspite of that?
Don't do it if you don't want to.